Question …
Hey Chris.
I just have a quick question for you.
How do you stay outcome independent with girls?
I know that you are supposed to have a life purpose, and that gives you un-reactivity, but if your job is being a coach, how do you stay non-needy to their reactions/responses?
How do you not have your entire sense of self worth riding on if you have a good or bad night?
I ask because my main focus in life at the moment is improving with girls.
Thanks a lot!
[hr]
Ok,
A few things come to mind.
Firstly and most obviously, I think that it’s different for everyone, so don’t try to live up to anyone else’s standards of what you should or should not be feeling. You’re feeling what you’re feeling because this is your path, your life lessons. We all have different psychological make-ups. Your upbringing, parents, siblings, bio-chemistry, beliefs, life events – it’s all different to mine or anyone else’s, that’s what makes us who we are, that is why we excel, struggle and deal with things differently. There is no right or wrong, only what is best for you.
Secondly, I think the whole “outcome independence” thing went a bit far in the dating and pick up community. You will always care what some people think of you, you will always want the best outcomes, you will always feel disappointed when you don’t get what you want – feeling this doesn’t make you needy, it makes you human. Now of course, it needs to be balanced, and I won’t insult your intelligence by assuming that you weren’t aware of this, I just think that it’s a good thing to remind ourselves of regularly.
I know when I first got onto this path myself, I was never as interested in one particular girl as I was the whole process, I just wanted to be awesome. By that I mean, happier in myself, more confident, more chatty – simply, a man who was successful with women. Not for any kinda of validation, but for my own personal freedom. And I was blessed to realise early on that the value of the lessons that I would have to go through, good and bad, would far surpass what I would get from just meeting a girl. And more, I knew that wouldn’t happen overnight. So the girls that I spoke with or met during those formative years were merely stepping-stones for me. What was more important to me was that I WAS out approaching and interacting. Their opinions of me mattered very little because I knew that I was on the right path, that I would never please everyone, and that my lessons would come in due time. It sounds like one of the significant lessons (byproducts) of this path for you will be learning to let go of unnecessary concern of what other people think of you – an incredibly valuable life lesson with ramifications extending well beyond just dating.
So I think I was more outcome independent than perhaps others because it was about a journey for me. I could get shut down or be flaked and go “Righteo, nice work Chris, next!” or have a shit night out and think “Well, next weekend is only 5 days away!” Don’t get me wrong, I had countless nights where I went home disappointed, and a few of the flakes or girls that didn’t work out had a sting, sure – being “on a path” doesn’t make you immune to this – but it was ALWAYS in perspective to me. I had days where I just wanted to bail on the whole thing, but it only ever lasted a day or two because really, what else was I going to do? I’d moved to Melbourne to improve this area of my life, was I just going to buy myself a big flat-screen and sit at home eating microwave dinners and watching movies? Erm, no. A lot of why I wasn’t outcome dependent was simply because I just didn’t have the choice to be. There was a fire in my stomach that wasn’t going out, regardless of any shit date, or shit night, or shit interaction. I could only ever ignore it for a day or so before it would flare up again, reminding me of what I REALLY wanted.
Again, I think personality makes up a fair bit of it. For better or worse, I am the obsessive type, so you need to find the paths and processes that ring true to you. This isn’t for everyone. I like that you mentioned lifestyle, but I don’t like the flippancy in which you said it. Your lifestyle is HUGE in determining how much you react to other people, it’s not to be overlooked. That’s not to mean that you have to be rich or jumping out of bed with glee every morning – you just need some kinda drive, something pushing you to move forward, something to give your life meaning, something to look forward to so that there isn’t a void in you that you feel that you need to fill with women (or the opinion of others). Otherwise, what is the point? A girl won’t make you feel better. Or at least not in the long run.
I would say that I am much more outcome dependent now because dating for me isn’t my top interest. Business and my future is. Maybe it’s an age thing (I’m 33), but that area has replaced what women and dating and hooking up were for me for the last decade. So now I will likely get obsessed with that for a few years haha. So if I approach a girl on the street and she doesn’t talk to me – pfft! So? Who gives a shit? I’m working on something much greater – my fucking life! My goal before I die is to be a shining example for anyone anywhere who doesn’t quite feel right with ‘just existing’ and following the norm. That’s what is important to me. I just stopped dating the best girl I’ve ever met for personal reasons, and more, I’m more interested in my lifestyle, businesses and my future than I ever have been – so do you think I give a fuck what some girl on some street on some Tuesday in 2014 thinks of me? There will be about 2 billion seconds in my life, and she made up, hmmmm – about 30 of them. THAT is outcome independence. You see where I’m going with this right? It’s a liberating day when you stop thinking “I hope they like me” and find yourself thinking “Fuck I hope I like them”
I think an over concern of what others think of you is directly related to how you think of yourself. It’s simple – you care what they think of you because you’re not a huge fan of yourself. You need external validation because you can’t validate yourself. Yet. Maybe this is a childhood thing, maybe a chemistry thing, I don’t know, it’s an area beyond the scope of my expertise, but all that you need to know is that it can change it. Again, finding balance. You live in the highest class of living in the world. You are never going to die because someone didn’t like you. No tribal leader is exiling you from the social group or stoning you to death. I would even encourage you to go out and dive head first into experiencing people not liking you. Go out, approach, get shut down, speak your mind, repeat. Think of what the realistic worst case scenario would be, accept that in advance, and proceed. And pay attention to what comes up inside you! This is a priceless glimpse into where you’re at in your relationship with yourself.
There are two people in the world dude – those who give up and those who don’t. Those who dabble and those who try to dominate. And it’s a choice. It’s a choice to be persistent, a choice to battle on through the shit, or not. That’s it. If you’re frustrated – good! It means you ain’t happy where you are, nor would you be if you stopped, and you’re in the middle ground, the killing field, no mans land. I think any kind of discomfort is just a warning from your body, brain or emotions that something isn’t right. So pay attention, and do NOT quit something because it is too hard. It being hard is proof that you need to work on it. Nothing kills my soul more than some lonely guy going out to meet women, and giving up after one pissy little shot. Learn to value your frustration – it’s just growing pains. And frustration precedes something better.
As for the coaching part of your question – a good question. But for me it’s easy – I’m incredibly open and clear about what getting into this game involves – and that is, a lot of approaches, a lot of interactions, some great times, some shit times. It’s all just part of the ride, and it’s all about attitude. 8 out of the 10 girls that you meet, nothing will happen with. They will have boyfriends, they won’t be your type or you won’t be theirs, they won’t like you, you won’t like them, or for whatever reason it just won’t click. But those other 2 will make it all worth while. Do you think I was thinking of my thousands of rejections when I was laying in bed with an amazing partner, or even just when I’m having a captivating conversation in a bar? Nope! (Well, only when I’m recounting some of the stories). I tell clients this. None of this “get any girl you want” shit, or “get rid of approach anxiety immediately” rubbish. Anyone banging that shit out, theorizing from their mum’s basement has not hit the streets and will last about a day in the reality of it. I always joke about how my first few approaches of a Mega Workshop really count, especially when I’m with a guy who has no idea of the type of cold approaching that I do. Imagine paying $3 K and coming to some dude like me, and watching his first approach go horrible! But hey it happens! Rarely, but yes on occasion it does. In fact it can even be beneficial because this guy goes “Hmm, that didn’t effect him at all! He just moved on, interesting” – a healthy attitude that in time, he will adopt. I cover myself by being honest with people from the start. That is the nature of the game. It’s how it is in the real world, outside of the bullshit hype that people try to sell you. And if you can’t handle that, then you should stick to your fantasies cos you certainly can’t handle the type of girl you likely want.
That rant turned out way longer than I’d anticipated, but I hope that has helped a little. Ultimately, you are human. You WILL care about what people think of you, we’re wired that way. But as long as it’s in perspective, it should never outweigh what you think of yourself. And ironically, you learn more about yourself after a rough night out than you do on a great one. I feel that is 100% true. When you hit the deck and start questioning things, you get a look at who you really are, what you really want, where you’re really going and why the hell you’re really doing (or not doing) any of this. That goes for dating, business, relationships, anything. And pondering that kinda stuff will change your life, not just get you a girl.