25 Tips on How To Approach Women
1) Look your best
This is an obvious one, yet it is still largely overlooked. If you’re overweight, or are really scrawny, or could use a tone up, spending time at the gym will get you much better results than just approaching, approaching, approaching. If you wear old “comfortable” clothes, buying new clothes and dressing better is THE quickest way to improve your interactions. If your hair is nothing special, go to a stylist and ask their opinion. The second that you approach a woman, she will scan (consciously or unconsciously) to determine if she likes what she sees, and how you look speaks louder than any opener. Often guys who are putting in the time but getting no results have simply overlooked this key point.
2) Think long-term every single approach
Sure you’re meeting girls, but what you’re also doing is learning to conquer yourself, and learning to deal with that fear that stops you doing so many things in your life. Every approach makes you a better, stronger person. You need to condition yourself to see each approach as one thread in a great tapestry. Don’t go out for five hours a day for two weeks and then give up when you don’t get great results. It takes time, dedication and commitment. Condition your mind to think this way, and reward yourself with good emotion and self-praise after ever approach, regardless of the outcome.
3) Learn to be your own boss
There is one person who really cares if you get what you want – you. You need to discipline yourself as would a boss. You need to commit to yourself, for yourself. You need to not accept your own excuses. Would a boss let you lounge around and do nothing when there is stuff to be done? No. Be responsible to yourself and learn to give yourself the respect that you would any other authority. If you want this, YOU need to make it happen. Stop your whinging about your tough day at work, stop your complaining about not feeling motivated, stop trying to convince yourself of your own bullshit. End the victim mentality. No-one owes you anything. Dream it, plan it, do it. You want to get better at approaching? Then do it. Simple.
4) Designate time to go out and practice
Yes, the ideal place to be is where you can randomly talk to that cutie in the supermarket while you’re shopping, and you can get out a “Good morning” to the gal on the train platform (and actually enjoy it!), however, for most guys, incorporating a natural ability to talk to women as they go about their lives takes some time and practice. And the best way, I believe, of getting to that place is to designate specific time to practicing at the start. Even once or twice a week. Don’t wait for motivation, that will come once you take that first step.
5) Day game
Women are everywhere, don’t limit your approaches to bars and clubs. You’re just as likely, if not more likely, to have a pleasant interaction with a lovely lady on the street, in a park, in a mall, at Uni, etc. as you are in a bar. You just need to break the assumption in your head that meeting hangzhou girls this way is not possible.
6) Be genuine
Every approach should count. Every woman is unique and special so every approach should be the same. If you’re plowing through 20+ sets each time you go out, and they’re all blending into one, and you’re getting bored of doing and saying the same thing, I personally think that you may need to shift your aim. You’re not feeling each and every girl. It’s about quality of interaction, not quantity. One real genuine approach is better than five half-arsed approaches in my book. Be real with women. Don’t be lazy. Don’t say the same thing over and over. Invest emotion into every second of every approach. I promise you that your approaches will go better if you do.
7) Accept approach anxiety
Work with approach anxiety, not against it. It is not going away, it’s not changing. The thing that you can change however is your ability to work with it. Use it to your advantage. People pay big money to jump out of planes because it is exciting. This ‘anxiety’ is a raw emotion very similar to excitement. The more that you just accept that it is there, and the more that you feel ok with feeling it, the easier it will be to deal with. Don’t ever hate yourself for feeling anxiety, you will spiral downwards.
8 ) Play within your field, at least for now
A very common thing that I see out is guys wondering why every single girl they approach blows out in seconds, when it is clear as day to me that they’re 4s out there approaching nothing but 9s and 10s. Sure, respect for the effort, and I’m definitely not saying that it’s not possibly, however for the most part, the best way to get a 10 is to be (or become) a 10. And if you’re a guy who has no women in his life, has not yet developed his appearance to its best, no real social skills, and not much of a lifestyle, you will simply not be pulling that quality of women. Funnily enough, those same guys mentioned, I very often see later down the track with a girlfriend well suited to them, whom they’re madly in love with, and no longer want anything more. The best cure for the rockstar-lifestyle-hype is the love of a great woman.
9) Get her attention before you talk to her
Don’t approach a girl and just start talking. I’ve seen confused women literally look behind them after an approach where the guy just started spitting words 100 miles an hour. Take your time, be sure that you have her attention before you start talking to her, give her a moment to register that you’re there. I recommend “Excuse me” and asking how she is before you continue with whatever it is that you are going to say.
10) Your opener is often in the environment
Direct game is growing in popularity. It is still my favourite type of approach for a variety of reasons that I will discuss in the next point, however, don’t become the Direct Machine. Don’t run up to every girl that you see going “Hi you’re cute!” – “Hi you’re cute!” – “Hi you’re cute!” There are very often fantastic conversation starters right there before you, you just need to look out for them. If a girl is wearing something that stands out – a funky hat, bright dress, cool jewellery – comment on that. If something is happening around you, comment or ask about that. If she is looking at something of interest in the supermarket, say something about that. Sure, don’t stay on this friendly level or your conversation will likely go nowhere, but these situations are very common and are much more normal, less pressured, ways of meeting strangers.
11) Be direct
In contrary to the above point, oh direct game, God I love it. If you approach directly, i.e. be honest with a girl about why you are talking to her and what you like about her, 8 out of 10 girls will respond well (if you do it correctly). No canned opener, no faked confidence, no hypothetical situation, just a sincere compliment/comment about someone. You’re a man, you’re attracted to beauty, don’t be ashamed of it. Contrary to popular Community belief, there is NOTHING wrong with showing interest in a girl. It takes a man with integrity to sincerely feel and express this. It’s the natural way of things. I find the key points to successful direct game are: 1) Genuinely FEELING what you’re saying, not just going through the motions and words, 2) Intending to make her feel great about herself if nothing else, 3) Making each and every approach unique, spontaneous and random, 4) Getting to normal conversation ASAP so that she feels no pressure from your initial directness – “So what brings you out on this lovely day?”, 5) Addressing the unusualness and forwardness of the situation (“I know that this is incredibly forward of me ….” Etc.). A simple example in full would be: “Excuse me … *she looks at you* … *you smile* Hi how’re you? … *await answer and get a feel for her vibe… “Listen I know this is incredibly forward of me, but I just really wanted to come back and say hello to you quickly, you look utterly lovely” … *await response* … “I’m Chris anyway, what brings you out today?”
12) Be socially intelligent
“Approach any girl, anywhere, anytime” – the mantra of the social moron. If a girl is clearly hurrying, let her go. If she is in a group of friends, let her go (many will disagree with that, just my personal opinion). If she is loaded up with shopping bags, eating with a friend, deeply engaged in a conversation – let – it –go! If a woman is clearly just being polite to you, looking uncomfortable, tells you that she has a boyfriend, is not interested in you – walk away! It takes a wander around the City on a nice day to see the abundance of women before you, so why be the annoying guy who just “doesn’t get it” when the girl around the corner could be perfect. Like it or not, there is a social etiquette and not seeing that will have you out before you’re even in.
13) Proximity Game
Much like the above point, just be normal. I think new guys tend to be consistently in ‘approach!’ mode often when it is not even necessary. Quite often, simply positioning yourself near a girl, or group of girls, is enough to initiate conversation. If there is a group of girls in a bar, you don’t have to bee-line towards them and burst on in. Simply getting near them will most often present a “Hey guys how’s it going?” opportunity. If a woman is sitting in an open court with a lot of people, and there are spots to sit near her, sure you can get in there directly, but you can also simply take a seat near her and take it from there. I highly recommend this for night game.
14) Give a reason for talking to her if you’ve stopped her
The first thing that a person will think when approached is “Why is this person talking to me?” This is another reason why I love direct game – “I’ll be honest, you just look freaking amazing, I thought I should run back to say hi quickly” – on some level the girl knows why you’re there as well as your intentions. If you approach and just start talking about anything – “Hi, what’re you doing today?” – she might not relax, wondering if you’re selling something, what you want, perhaps even considering her own safety. Even if I get chatting with someone whilst standing around, I like to tell her what I’m up to – “I’m just waiting for a friend”
15) Introduce yourself
Ever found yourself stuck in a situation where you’ve opened about something random, let’s fruit and veg in the supermarket, then it runs dry and you wonder where to take it? I’ve found simply introducing yourself gives a normal, friendly interaction a new, more intimate feel.
16) Make normal conversation
Approaching is not typically very common. Sure men hit on hot women indirectly all day, every day, but to sincerely man up and approach – it happens a lot less than you’re lead to believe. Since it is not a usual occurrence, if you add on top of that weird conversational techniques or bizarre topics (thinking they’re “interesting”) it will likely all just seem too weird and/or scripted. Make normal conversation ASAP. Smooth over an unusual occurrence with something that conveys ‘I’m not mental, I’m totally normal, I’m just ballsy.’ Simple questions and comments – “What are you up to today?, “So what do you do with yourself?” “I love your necklace, that’s awesome” – don’t ever think normal, simple conversation and questions are boring. Topics are not boring, people are boring. An interesting, enthusiastic person will not come across as boring regardless of how mundane the topic is. Remember, you approached her, she was just going about her day, she owes you nothing – it’s up to you to make the conversational effort. If you run out of stuff to say, go back to these basics.
17) The first approach
It has been said/debated before many times, but if you’re designating time to go out and meet women, that first approach will always be the hardest. Once you get that out of the way, regardless of outcome, you will feel a lot looser and the next one(s) will be easier. Know that that first one will be your biggest hurdle, it’s all a lot easier from then on. On a night out, I recommend making conversation with someone ASAP, then you can relax.
18) If you’re talking for more than just a few minutes, shift to number mode
If you’ve approached a girl, she has responded well to you, you’re chit-chatting – ask for her number, or at least decide that that is what you intend to soon do. You don’t have to wait a specific amount of time, you don’t need any specific signs, you just ask. It doesn’t mean the conversation is over. Both day and night. What good is approaching women if you never get to see any of them again?
19) Throw yourself in the deep end
This is my #1 rule. You develop inner strength, comfort and confidence, and conversational ability by throwing yourself in the deep end repeatedly. I.e. just doing it – no over-thinking, just approach and talk. If it lands, great, keep talking. If not, end it and move on. I personally have no idea what I’m going to say to a girl until after I’ve said “Excuse me” Jump in the deep end enough times and soon you will be swimming. You won’t even know how, it will just happen. Just do it, and keep at it. Do you run out of things to say? Keep jumping in the deep end and splashing around, keeping your head above water, until you can swim. It will happen, you just need to keep jumping in. Stop looking for magic bullet techniques. Just do it, and repeat.
20) Rejection is just incompatibility
If I asked you to go out and try to befriend ten guys, how many do you think you would actually get along with? I’m going to say five, maybe. Would you then see the other five as rejection? We just do not get along with some people, God knows why, maybe it’s a deep subconscious thing, either way it’s irrelevant. Why is it that we can accept the idea of not getting along with some people in general, but not beautiful women when we meet them on the street or in a bar? Yes, if you’re getting shut down consistently, you need to work on your game and/or your appearance, but if you’re getting 50/50, maybe even 75/25 – that’s just human dynamics. If you compound your positive turn around, and allow it to snowball week after week through your dedication, you will have a life loaded with women in no time.
21) Allow your approach to not be perfect
Own your nervousness. Accept the awkwardness. Be confident in your clumsiness. Girls will find a sense of nervousness endearing. It means you’re real. Courage and confidence is not the absence of fear, it’s pushing beyond fear. Fake confidence is very see through, generally coming across as either insecure or arrogant, and will likely make girls wary of you (or just pity you). Not to mention it can make the girl feel that she is just another of your many approaches for that day. It’s ok to be nervous, it’s ok to stuff up – it just makes your approach more natural, spontaneous and real.
22) Accept that much of your result relies on her
If she has a boyfriend, if she is not interested in meeting anyone at that time, if she is just not feeling it from you, there is little that you can do. Next. Stop trying to plow every girl that you speak with, and stop grilling yourself when a girl tells you that she has a boyfriend. Attractive women have boyfriends – simple.
23) Don’t sweat the small stuff
Technicalities such as eye contact, body language, etc. are all just about balance. Too much eye contact is creepy, however too little is awkward. Too much animation makes you look like a clown, however too little make you look stilted. Speaking too fast makes you seem hyper, however too slow makes you seem robotic and boring. Don’t focus on these things unless you’re definitely at either end of the spectrum. It will likely just take your attention away from the most important thing going on – her.
24) Be positive
When you approach, just be light-hearted, positive and enthusiastic. This doesn’t mean jumping around like a clown and grinning like an idiot, it just means making the choice to take it all light-heartedly, to lighten her day and as well as yours.
25) Have something other than women going on in your life
Yes it relates to approaching cos simply, the best way to be attractive is to be happy and enthusiastic about life, and if you have nothing going on in your life, it will definitely reflect in your interactions.
Extra: Flattery
I couldn’t leave this off. What is it about her that stands out? What is it about her that you like? Something in her appearance, something that you’ve discussed, there is nothing more beautiful than watching a girl smile and go giddy about something that you sincerely feel about her. This in NO WAY takes away your power, or makes you seem beta (blah blah blah). Women want to be charmed. They want to be wooed. It takes a real man, a strong man, a man of integrity to step up and go “Damn!”
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