Don't Overthink Dates

I just thought I would share some thoughts on a question that I see a fair bit. Paraphrased from a dating forum – “I’m getting good at approaching now, and getting numbers, but I’ve been on two dates and have not heard back from either. They seemed quite interested when we met, but on the date – even though I used good conversation tactics, kept them interested by talking about interesting things, I understand and use body language, use good kino and touch often, but still can’t find my hook point. And neither of the two dates I’ve heard back from. Any tips?

My thoughts …

1)   To start, it’s only 2 dates. Dates are just like approaches – some work, some don’t. Lots of guys seem to have the belief that a date automatically means that it’s on – that she must be keen and that the date is just a necessary stepping-stone to the bedroom, when in fact – it’s really just a level up from the approach. It’s the next compatibility test. It’s like a video game and levels – sometimes you wipe out on the approach, other times in the follow up (texts/calls), other times on the date, other times the sexual front, etc. And when I say ‘wipe out’, I don’t necessarily mean something that you fucked up, I just mean that you simply didn’t click (or maybe you did, but she didn’t). Wipe out, nothing personal, start again.

But you really need a higher number of dates before you can conclude that you are in fact shit on dates. Think of what your own advice would be to a new guy who said “I’ve approached two girls but they didn’t work out – what am I doing wrong?” You could sit and analyse every little thing, but that fact is – it was just two approaches, and the one thing that’s going to help him the most is to just get out there and experience more approaches. You might actually be rough on dates (see next point) or you might just have had two dates with girls who were feeling open at the time that you met, but when it came down to it, just didn’t click with you (conversation doesn’t necessarily mean clicking). The more dates that you go on, the more comfortable you will be on them. And the more comfortable you are on dates, the more success you’re going to have on them. Onwards, upwards, next. You won’t even remember them when your dates start clicking and you’re seeing great girls.

2)   Mostly, it sounds like you may be over-thinking and trying too hard on these dates. Forget body language, forget kino, forget eye contact or anything else like that – it could actually be all of this that IS fucking it up for you by making you act weird, calculated and unnatural. Learn to just let go. Relax and enjoy yourself. You’re likely wiping out because you’re too concerned with trying to ‘play’ the date rather than just flowing with it. Your dependence on the outcome of the date (i.e. NEEDING it to go well) is likely shining through and making her feel unsettled, maybe even just on a subconscious level. She is feeling who you are and how you’re feeling WAY more than anything that you’re doing or saying, and if you’re desperately trying to maintain eye contact, touch her, maintain good body language, use an array of conversational tactics so that she will like you – well, that just doesn’t sound very pleasant, it sounds more like a chess game. The vibe will not be of a cool, relaxed date. YOU will not be cool and relaxed. Chill. Develop faith in yourself and the dating process – that you will click or you won’t. There will be chemistry or there won’t. What if I told you that you are enough without all of that shit? A girl perfect for you, will click with you, even if you’re fumbling or nervous.

Talk about things which interest you, ask her about things that you would like to know, flirt if you feel like flirting – not because you feel that you have to. Find the genuine curiousness about her within you. Then conversation will be easy. All of this comes from your own self-value. That is the blood running through every limb of the date. You’re busy trying to manipulate the date because you feel that you’re not enough as you are. You’re overcompensating.

Chill, relax, and let come what may. When you’re too outcome dependent, it’s evidence that you’re not flowing with, nor accepting the process. You’re still in the learning phase, allow yourself to learn – the lessons that await you on this journey are worth more than a quick ring-in girlfriend anyway.

3)   How are you dressing on these dates? Dress for dates like you would a night out. If she is attracted to you, her ‘buying temperature’ (so to speak) will be much higher. We humans tend to warm more to whatever is in front of us, if that thing is pretty and shiny. Sad but true. And you don’t want your great personality being overlooked cos you look like shit. Also for what it’s worth – breath. You can be as charming as you like but if your breath stink, she is out of there.

Hope that helps.

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