Book444

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Contents.

Chapter 1: How To Use This Book + Some Motivation…………………………………………………………. 5 Chapter 2: Why These Skills Are Important + More Motivation. …………………………………………. 12 Chapter 3: My Story. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………… 20 Chapter 4: Key Elements Of A Successful Mindset. ……………………………………………………………. 27 Chapter 5: The Average Timeline Of Improvement……………………………………………………………. 37 Chapter 6: Improving Your Appearance. ………………………………………………………………………….. 42 Chapter 7: How To Find & Use Wingmen. ………………………………………………………………………… 49 Chapter 8: Designating Time & Planning Your Outings. ……………………………………………………… 53 Chapter 9: Understanding The Path To Success. ……………………………………………………………….. 59 Chapter 10: Meeting A Lot Of Women. ……………………………………………………………………………. 63 Chapter 11: Confidence, Courage & Congruence………………………………………………………………. 69 Chapter 12: Dealing With Approach Anxiety & Common Excuses. ………………………………………. 76 Chapter 13: Warming Up & Why Most Men Can’t Approach. …………………………………………….. 89 Chapter 14: Dealing With Rejection & Knowing Your Value. ………………………………………………. 94 Chapter 15: Meeting Women During The Day. …………………………………………………………………. 99 Chapter 16: Day Openers / What To Say When You Approach In The Day………………………….. 102 Chapter 17: Day Approaching Situations – Street, Shops, Seated & Groups. ……………………….. 118

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Chapter 18: Conversation – What To Say After You Approach During The Day. ………………….. 134 Chapter 19: Getting Phone Numbers & Instant Dates. …………………………………………………….. 144 Chapter 20: Meeting Women In Bars. ……………………………………………………………………………. 153 Chapter 21: Night Openers – What To Say When You Approach At Night. …………………………. 157 Chapter 22: Socialising…………………………………………………………………………………………………. 169 Chapter 23: Approaching Women In Groups In Bars. ………………………………………………………. 174 Chapter 24: Getting Her Phone Number & Taking Her Home……………………………………………. 180 Chapter 25: Texting, Calling & Following Up Phone Numbers. ………………………………………….. 196 Chapter 26: Using Facebook For Dating. ………………………………………………………………………… 205 Chapter 27: Flakes – When Women Don’t Text Or Call You Back. ……………………………………… 210 Chapter 28: Dates. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………. 216 Chapter 29: Escalation, Kissing & Sex. ……………………………………………………………………………. 228 Chapter 30: Being Patient & Secure In The Dating Process……………………………………………….. 244 Chapter 31: Choosing The Right Dating For You………………………………………………………………. 252 Chapter 32: Casual Dating & Open Relationships…………………………………………………………….. 259 Chapter 33: Monogamous Relationships. ………………………………………………………………………. 272 Chapter 34: Final Thoughts. ………………………………………………………………………………………….. 286

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Section 1

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Chapter 1: How To Use This Book + Some

Motivation.

Hello and welcome. You’ve made a great decision to invest in this book, because you’re investing in yourself – and that’s the best thing that you can invest in. So well done. If you put what you’re going to learn into practice, and you stick with it, I’m sure that you’re going to do some incredible things. Your confidence is going to grow immeasurably, and you’re going to learn a hell of a lot about women, dating and yourself. And I’m really happy to be the one helping you along this amazing path. To start, I want to give you few important points to help you get the absolute most out of this book.

1. Take Action

Some of you are reading this book to just get some insights into women and dating, without any real intention to go out and put it into practice. That’s completely fine. I hope that you still get a lot out of it. But if you want the most out of this, and you’re wanting to really change your life, please don’t just read it and then move onto the next book or course, hoping that that will be the easier ‘magic bullet’ solution to your situation. I’m confident in saying that this book has everything that you need to become much more successful with women and in dating. But in order to achieve that, you’ll need to implement the information. Courses, books, products, videos, etc. can all be somewhat dangerous by giving people the feeling that they’re doing something, when really, if they aren’t implementing what they’re learning, they’re not actually doing anything.

I myself am constantly listening to YouTube, podcasts and audiobooks, so I certainly do appreciate the consumption of knowledge for its own sake – so if that’s what you intend for this book, great! Again, I hope it’s a good read. However, if you’re struggling to meet women (or the women that you’d like to meet), or if your self-esteem is low, or you’re feeling hopeless in dating, or even if you just want that little bit more success with women (and people in general), then more information without any action will not help you. The information in this book will probably contradict the last information that you read (in fact, I’m certain that it will), and the book that you read after this book will probably contradict what I say here. Excess

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information clogs up the brain and makes taking action even harder than it already is. I believe that the correct path is to consume some information, then implement it, then consume some more information, then implement it – repeat. If your cycle is just consuming information, then more information, then more information, without taking any action, then nothing is going to change for you anytime soon.

Yes, you do need some guidelines on what action to take, especially in the area of approaching and meeting women because many of you reading will have never done it before. And that’s my aim for this book. I want to give you the essentials – a simple framework – to get you out there and actually meeting women. I’ve been coaching in the men’s dating industry for a long time (since 2008) and in that time, I’ve seen a lot of guys who have spent months or even years reading books, buying products, watching videos, but who still can’t approach women and who still have no confidence. Why? You guessed it – because they never took any action. They didn’t implement and test any of the information that they were consuming. Often guys get addicted to the hunt for that one trick that’ll make it all easy, especially in this area because it is bloody hard. So many guys go looking for an easier way. They go looking for that one thing that just must be out there that’ll get rid of all their approach anxiety and fear around dating. And marketers are more than happy to cater to this. “Never get rejected again!” – “Destroy approach anxiety!” – “Get any girl you want!” – if you’ve dabbled in this area before, then you’ve surely heard statements like these. Sorry, it’s all bullshit. You know that deep down. You will get rejected, you will always have some degree of approach anxiety, and you will never be able to get any girl that you want.

The ‘magic bullet’ doesn’t exist, but nor would you want it to. Then you’d be skipping the whole process. And as cliché as it sounds, it’s the journey that’ll grow you into a much better, more confident, more attractive, more abundant version of yourself. You’ll never be perfect, or free of insecurities or fears, regardless of how good you get with women. You’ll never have it all figured out – I’m talking dating and life. But with the right information and the right amount of action, you will be much better than average, and you’ll be in a significantly better place than you might be right now.

Ironically, for a personal development coach, I don’t think that you have to be “taking action” for the rest of your life. Life is to be enjoyed, and relaxation is key to that. But if you do want change in your life, then you do likely need to bash it out hard for a while, until you get to a place that you’re happy with. Then you can relax more.

To make taking action simple, I’ve outlined exactly what I want you to do at the end of each chapter of this book. Regardless of how small or unnecessary some of the exercises may seem, I suggest just doing them. At the end of each section, I’d also like you to go out and actually talk

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to women. I know that that may be daunting for some of you, but don’t worry, I’m going to guide you through it.

2. The Homework

Most of the homework activities will just be simple written activities. But don’t let that fool you, they’re intended to help you change the way that you think about dating, women, life and yourself. If you change your thinking, you change your behaviour. And if you change your behaviour, you change your life.

Since most of the homework will just be theory exercises, you’ll need to start a journal. This will be your very first homework activity. Some of the homework however, will be you going out to approach women, both during the day and at night. This is where you’ll really need to make some tough choices, the first of which will probably be to let go of the excuses that you might be clinging on to – “Oh that sort of thing is just not me” “Yeah but I’m shy” “That would never work for me” “I’m too old for that” – “Yeah but I don’t know what to say”, etc. Where you are now and what you have now is all because of your mindset and your past choices. New thinking and new choices will be hard, but so is anything worthwhile.

This practical homework (approaching women) will require patience, work and commitment. You’ll have to teach yourself the priceless gift of self-discipline. You’ll have to be your own coach. And a key factor in that is not waiting to feel motivated. Motivation comes only after you begin, and it often only stays after you start seeing results. So motivation cannot be relied on to get you started, or to keep you going. Only your commitment and self-discipline can do that.

Approaching women will be very tough for some of you – probably for most of you – but if you think only about how hard it is, you’ll make it much more difficult. You’re not here just to meet women, you’re here to grow as a person. This whole book is actually about your internal growth. It’s about you becoming a better, stronger version of yourself. And it’s this process that’s going to help you do that. It’s the process that will change your life, not just meeting a nice girl. So you need to be thinking about your growth just as much as you’re thinking about approaching is. There’s much more at stake here than just talking to women.

The information in this book is the core of my teachings. It’s the foundations of everything that I’ve learnt in thirteen years (at the time of writing this) of doing it myself. So really commit to the homework, absorb all that you can, and then implement it as best as you can/want to when you go out to implement it. For some of you, a lot of the homework will be easy, maybe even unnecessary if you’ve been doing this already for a while – so feel free to use what’s useful for

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your skill level. If you’re new however, and you’ve never approached a woman before, I really do encourage you to get into the homework activities as much as you can.

3. I Want For You What You Want For You

I really want to stress that what you want in dating, is what I want for you too. I’ve tried to write this book to give men the overall skills and beliefs to be able to approach and interact with women whenever and however they want to, while leaving the end goal up to the individual reader. If you want that one amazing girlfriend or wife – awesome. If you want to meet and date a lot of women – awesome. If you just want to be more confident with women (and people) in general – awesome. I’ve tried to write this book to cater to everyone. So regardless of what you want at the end of this journey, we’re all going to embark on the same path together. So don’t at any point feel that you’re being swayed one way or another. If I mention ‘picking up’ and you’re a relationship type of guy, just discount that part. If I mention ‘relationships’ and you’re a casual hook-up type of guy, just discount that part.

I’ve also tried to write this book to cater to all ages and experience levels. I’ll use the word ‘woman’ as much as I do ‘girl’ because I know that some of you reading will be in your 20s (or younger) and some of you will be in your 50s (or older), with of course every age in between. If you’re a total newbie in this area, this book will outline all that you need to know to get started, and to keep on the path. But if you’re already experienced with approaching and meeting women, then I’m sure that you’ll find some fresh information and helpful tips to get you to that next level of success, whatever that may be for you.

4. Take What Works For You

As I tell all of my clients – take what resonates with you and discount what does not. Everything that I say in this book is just my opinion. I talk about what has helped me and my many clients. But it’s not the be-all and end-all. You’re entitled to disagree with me. I don’t have all of the answers, nor will I ever say that I do. No-one can have all the answers in this area because the beauty of human interaction is that we’ll never understand it entirely. This’s what makes truly connecting with someone so intoxicating.

Even my own opinions change rapidly. It has taken me a long time to write this book because I kept added a little more here and there, and I found myself re-writing parts where my opinions had changed. Some things that I did out there ‘in the field’ even just a year or two ago, I now do

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not. Some things that I swear by in this book, in a year or two, I may not. Our opinions and perspectives change as we do, and if you grow quickly, your ideas change quickly also. But rest assured that the core of this book, I believe, will stand the test of time. I’ve been doing and teaching essentially the same things for a long time, and even though my thoughts on some minor things change and evolve, the fundamentals remain the same.

So take what works for you. Everyone on this path is actually just learning to be more themselves. It’s not really about becoming someone else (which is why I actually hate using the word ‘change’), it’s about being more confident, comfortable and accepting of who you really are. That guy deep down inside of you is already great with women, it’s all the bullshit piled on top of him over the years that makes him struggle. Everyone on this path, I believe, is just re- discovering his true self – the self with less fear and less self-doubt. So my mission is to not make you a clone of me, but to motivate you to get out there and develop yourself, using the information in this book as a guideline.

Now, having said all of that, I do ask that you stay open-minded. Just because something may be hard to hear or hard to do, doesn’t mean that that’s not exactly what you need. I have a very good reputation as a coach, and I’ve done what I teach thousands of times myself. I learnt from hitting the pavement for years on end, not from reading books. I don’t hype guys up and promise them bullshit, I simply explain how I personally see all of this, based on my experience and observations. I tell guys how they can improve, even if some of that information is hard for them to hear. And this book will be the same. Again, it’s about meeting women, definitely, but it is also about improving who you are, how you think, and what you get in life. And for that, you’ll have to be open to doing new things and thinking new things.

5. Liability

What you learn in this book MUST be used with respect. I didn’t write this book to teach dickheads how to become bigger dickheads. I don’t want men running around harassing and pestering women, nor manipulating them or intentionally hurting them. So please have some consideration and social intelligence when you practise what you read in this book.

Also, I must advise that I can take no responsibility for any physical or emotional suffering that you may face along the way. But rest assured – at the time of finishing this book (2017), I’ve done all of this myself since 2004, approaching easily over 10,000 women in that time, and I’ve never once found myself in a real physical altercation from it. In all that time, I had only two close calls – one of which was my own fault when I jokingly called a girl a name that her boyfriend didn’t appreciate, and the other time I hadn’t noticed a drugged-out guy who didn’t

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like me talking to his girlfriend. But both times calmed down in about a minute with no trouble. So, that is only two close calls out of thousands of approaches. That’s an extremely low figure. People are much friendlier than you think if you’re a decent person to them.

I like to think that I’m socially intelligent and also quite respectful, which is why I’ve never had a real issue. So please do so also. It’s not hard to be a nice person. But if you take what I am teaching you and apply it inappropriately or in an uncalibrated fashion – unfortunately I cannot take responsibility for that. If you use discretion, if you are honest and respectful, then I’m very sure that you’ll be just fine. Again, you’ll be surprised at how friendly most people are if you’re a decent and friendly human being. I’ve had countless boyfriends say to me “Oh that’s all cool man!” when I’ve accidentally approached their girlfriends, simply because I was apologetic and a decent guy about it. I’m only mentioning this because I’ve coached a lot of guys who were very paranoid about angry boyfriends or women making a huge public scene. Again, I’ve done this for thirteen years and I’ve had only two angry boyfriends (both of which calmed down in a minute), I’ve had only one girl cause a scene (when I accidentally had already approached her … and her friend), and one girl punch me in the face. Incredibly low statistics.

In regards to emotional suffering – that’s actually kind of the point of all of this. This path is hard and you will face some emotional suffering. But tough times are essential for growth. If you have the right mindset, you’ll pop out of each tough time a stronger version of the you who went into it. I personally thank all of my tough times for getting me to where I am today. This path will certainly bring up some deep-seated emotions, so if you emotionally screw yourself up by not addressing them properly, I cannot take responsibility for that either. You are about to take the red pill my friend, you are about to go down the rabbit-hole – so buckle up tight. Light will be shone into the darkest corners of your soul, however you need to see it all as lessons, as growth, and if you don’t run from it but learn to love it all as part of you, then I’m certain that you’ll be just fine.

PS – I know at least a few of you are wondering why a girl would punch me in the face. In a nutshell – she walked past me in a bar and I (for whatever reason) jokingly said “Down in front!” (which is what you say when someone blocks your view in the cinema). She turned and spat her drink on me, to which I muttered “Psycho” I said under my breath, and walked off. She followed me to do it again, at which point I grabbed her drink and poured it over her, resulting in her punching me in the eye. Who was in the wrong is still up for debate. It was probably not the nicest move, but it’s hard to think logically when you have girl’s drink in your eye. Again – the very worst that you’re likely going to get, is a girl ignoring you.

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6. Have Fun

After that serious talk, I really want to stress to you to enjoy yourself. Learning all of this should ultimately be something that contributes to your life. Yes, it’ll be hard, yes it’ll be frustrating, but I don’t want you out there hating every minute of it. If you do find that you’re always hating it, then maybe this is just not for you. I believe that every single man would benefit from learning how to approach women and from dealing with all the ‘stuff’ that comes up in the process, but ultimately, this is just not for some people (even most people). And that’s fine.

But if you do decide that this is for you, and you are prepared to persist through the process, always remind yourself to have fun. You’re just meeting women, you’re not doing brain surgery, so don’t take it so seriously. Let go, laugh at yourself, and allow yourself to have some fun. Meeting women in not a chess game. If a woman is single, she likely wants the same thing as you, so treating it like some game that you need to win will likely result in you hating it (as well as women keeping their distance from you and your shitty vibe). Relax. Even by just reading this book, you’re in the tiny percent of men who will ever consider pro-actively improving themselves in this area. So go you! Always be on your own side. Always be your own cheer squad. Pat yourself on the back for even just trying. Don’t get down on yourself, don’t give yourself a hard time, boost yourself up – even if it takes you a while. Be your own wingman, be your own personal motivator. You’re undertaking a path that so few men ever will. That alone makes you pretty awesome.

Homework

1. Organise A Journal

Please go and organise a journal. You could set up an online journal if you like, using a platform like WordPress or Blogger. This takes five minutes to set up and you can make them private. Or if you prefer, you could just use a Word/text document, or even just use a traditional hand- written journal. Either way, use something that you can comfortably write in as there will be a lot of writing for the homework exercises. Also be sure to use something that you can keep for future reading. So please get to that now, and let’s move forward.

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Chapter 2: Why These Skills Are Important +

More Motivation.
I want to take a moment now to talk about why I believe that the skills and mindsets discussed

in this book are perhaps much more important than you may think.

Wanting to get better with women is often seen as somewhat juvenile and immature. Men wanting to improve in this area are often seen as having Peter Pan Syndrome (i.e. not wanting to grow up), or as being somehow emotionally damaged, or as being sleazy and manipulative. Personally, I couldn’t disagree more. I truly believe that undertaking a conscious effort to improve yourself and your ability with women is a truly brave and noble act. Sure, some dodgy men embark on the journey also, but the great majority are men interested in this just want to be more confident with people (not just women), and to feel more in control of their lives. They want to feel better about themselves, and to have more choice and freedom in their dating. They don’t want to settle for average. And of course, many also want more *gasp* sex. What monsters! #sarcasm

I believe that a true path of personal development strips a man bare. It rips his ego apart and shines light on his insecurities. That’s not his intention of course, but that’s generally what happens. The path makes him face his demons, and through facing them, he grows. Many men don’t last long on this path because it makes them look at who and what they really are, often shattering their illusions of coolness and social standing. I’ve coached men before who have asked “So how do I do this without getting rejected?” You don’t. To be a success in this, you will be humbled. And you will favour truth over comfort.

Getting better at meeting women turns out to be so much more than just getting laid or getting a girlfriend, and most people will never consider that. To them you’re just “chasing tail” or “recapturing your youth”, but I honestly don’t know of anything else that grows a man more than learning to approach and interact with women. To the average guy, it sounds so simple. “You just go and talk to them”, right? Until he tries to do it himself and completely freezes up, then often making up some bullshit excuse about it not being necessary. And he’s right – it’s not necessary. Undergoing all of this isn’t necessary, but neither is staying fit, getting wealthy, developing spiritually, or any other path of development. Our necessities are food, water, air and shelter. We don’t live in a time of just necessities. In 2017 we ‘need’ a whole bunch of

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unnecessary shit. Phones, laptops and cars aren’t necessities, but most people couldn’t live without them. So something not being necessary per-se, doesn’t discount it’s importance.

Speaking of cars, I’ve always said that I use dating and meeting women as a vehicle to grow men. I use it as a means to help them overcome what Steven Pressfield in The Art of War calls “resistance”. Clients come to me wanting to get laid, or to get a girlfriend, or to get confident, but they soon find themselves questioning their jobs, their health, their upbringing, their culture, their friends, their beliefs, their goals. They start asking for pay rises, applying for other jobs, booking travel, addressing issues with friends or family, doing public speaking courses, etc. Approaching women throws men into the depths of vulnerability, and exposes all of the ‘holes’ in his psyche. He can then either run from them, or address them and learn.

So this is not just some pick up artist book for horny men wanting to get their dicks wet. This is not just some book for loveable losers who can’t get a girlfriend. I’ve coached some of the most confident and successful men that you could imagine – male models, millionaires, doctors, lawyers, actors, sky divers – so if you don’t feel confident with women, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re normal. Clients often come to me expressing their sadness or annoyance at this anxiety that they feel around women, as though life has inflicted this illness upon them. But I then get to tell them that it’s not their issue – it’s pretty much every guys’ issue.

If anyone makes you feel bad, or like a loser, or a creep, for trying to improve your confidence and ability in this area (or any area), you simply need to place more importance on your own life and what you want, rather than on their opinion. You also need to determine if they really have your best interests in mind, or if you’re actually making them feel insecure in some way.

The Enemy Of Great, Is Good

When people are ‘good enough’ at something, they rarely become great at it. This can be said for dating as much as it can for health, finances, etc. All of the rich people that I know were once broke. All the really fit people that I know were once unhealthy. All of the guys that I know who are great with women, were once shit (me included). So if you are terrible with women, take comfort in the fact that your terribleness has sent you looking for answers, and those answers will likely help you to overshoot your mark and become way better than average. No, getting better with women will not completely fix you – in fact, if you use it to just band aid over deeper issues, it can actually make you worse – but either way, it will send you hurdling down a path of personal development. And what better path is there to be on?

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There are plenty of guys out there in amazing relationships who never had to learn any of this. They met someone, settled down and they’re sorted for life. Awesome. But if you’re annoyed or saddened that this just didn’t just happen for you – don’t be. There’s nothing wrong with you if it didn’t work out, the same way there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t know how to approach and meet women. We were never taught any of this. And most/all people carry the subconscious emotional wounds of their parents and grandparents. You were taught how to interact with the opposite sex from your parents, and they were from their parents, and again, most of that is deep in your subconscious. So some guys are naturally great with women, some guys (most guys) are not. There’s a big difference between just having a girlfriend and being good with women. Some people just attract relationships easily, others do not. Some of you reading may be completely socially hopeless, whereas some of you might already be confident, popular, and are just wanting a little bit more.

Again, even the most confident of guys most often still can’t go out and meet the women that they want to. Most guys will meet 3-4 women in their lives, have a couple of girlfriends, and marry someone that they like. Great. But I’m reminded of the quote “The enemy of the great, is the good”. As I said, there are some amazing relationships out there, but there are also many that are not. So if it didn’t work out for you, rather than being bitter, realise that you now have the choice to become more and do more than you would have if things had worked out for you in this area.

The Rug Of Society

If you’re just a nice normal guy who isn’t interested in meeting a lot of women – that’s completely fine, as I mentioned in the last chapter. I want to explain why this book might still be very important for you.

When you’ve been doing this for as long as I have, you really do see ‘under the rug’ (so to speak) of dating in society. You really see what goes on underneath the polite veneer that people present to the world. You see a lot of cheating (men and women), a lot of people trying to ‘upgrading’ partners, you see girls saying that they want X while running off with Z, you see one guy who is desperate for a girlfriend unable to get a date while another guy who doesn’t want a relationship fending off women. You see one person happy in a relationship, thinking that all is going well, and then you see their partner giving you a cheeky smile. Or you find out days later that she has a boyfriend. You see a lot of people dissatisfied in their relationships but unable to do anything about it because they don’t know how to meet anyone else, etc.

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I really don’t want to sound jaded in any way here, I actually find the dating world and all of its intricacies amazing and beautiful. And I certainly am not judging anyone’s behaviour, I believe that a lot of people are just unknowingly battling their biology (which I’ll go over in a later chapter). As I mentioned, there are plenty of people out there in fantastic relationships, but there are also many relationships in which I feel that the man or woman would bail on his/her partner in a second if they had the knowhow to meet someone else. There is the quote “People are as faithful as their options” which I agree with to some extent.

“Woh woh woh WOH!” you must be thinking right now. You bought this lovely dating and personal development book hoping to learn some cool things to help you meet a nice girl, and here I am dumping all of this on you! Calm – I have a reason. I just want you to really understand why I think that it’s important to get good (or at least above average) in this area, even if you’re not a ‘ladies-man’ and just want a relationship. That’s because I don’t want you being that insecure guy who never feels good enough for his girlfriend. I don’t want you being the guy at home thinking that his sweet girlfriend is just out with her friends while she is really telling some other guy in a bar “We shouldn’t be doing this”. I don’t want you being in love with your best friend, but having to hear the stories of her dick boyfriends. I don’t want you dating a girl that you’re not attracted to, or even interested in, simply because you couldn’t do better (and I don’t want that for the women out there either). I don’t want you being the guy on the couch swiping Tinder and getting excited every time he matches with a profile, only to find that it’s a spam bot. I don’t want you putting up with bad behaviour in a relationship because your self-esteem is shot to shit.

What I do want for you is choice, freedom, self-assurance and confidence. I want your future girlfriend to look at you and think “Wow, I got him!” I want you to date a girl (or girls) that you really like. And I want you to fucking love yourself. I want you to really know the value that you offer people and your partner. I don’t want you to wonder “What if”. I want you to live the life that you want to live. And if you want a relationship, I want you to have a great one.

The Path Is The Same

As I mentioned in the last chapter, some of you reading this book will enjoy casual/open dating and meeting multiple women. I am one of these guys, and I have been for the last decade. So if that’s you – I want to teach you how to do so in a way that you stay congruent with yourself, and also stay respectful and honest with the women that you date. But if that’s not you, and you’re here hoping to get the skills to just meet one nice ‘wife-material’ girl, or even to just be able to talk to women or to have better dates, then this path is still going to be the same. So many guys discount this whole area entirely because they read some horrible thing about “pick

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up artists”, or they saw some guy once approach badly in a bar. They think that their desire for one true love is above all of that. Ironically, I often see these guys lose their girls to guys who are players. I don’t want you to be a player. You don’t need to be. I want you to be you, and I want you to get what you want. But I also want you to grow into the best you – the attractive you, the confident you, the you that can honestly think “if she likes me, great, if not, no problem at all”. The aim of this book is to help you in all areas of your life, not just your dating life.

So even if some things in this book feel a bit like “pick-upy” for you, remember that that’s not my intention. When I ask you to go out and approach women for instance, this is legitimately the best way that I know to grow a man’s confidence. Again, I’ve coached some very confident men in some very esteemed careers, and I’ve seen even them squirm at the idea of approaching a woman in a supermarket. So it’s completely ok if it feels crazy to you, or daunting, or weird. My aim in the next several chapters is to help you through that. And women certainly don’t mind you learning how to become better at approaching, conversation and dating. They’re out there having to deal with drunken idiots in bars and surprise dick pics online – so a friendly and charming guy saying hello in the fruit and veg section will be a nice change.

I just don’t want you thinking that this book is for people with more confidence or experience than you. I don’t want you thinking that this book is just for guys who want to be Casanova. Whatever you want, it’s the same path of learning. We’re using the same vehicle for your growth. If you do want a relationship, I can guarantee you that from learning this stuff and from undertaking this process, when you do get into a relationship, it’ll be with a woman that you choose rather than settle for, and it’ll likely be a much better relationship because of the growth that you had to undertake to get there. You’ll be more confident, more attractive, you’ll like and appreciate yourself more – so you’ll attract that same type of girl, rather than the nutcases that you tend to meet when you’re desperate and insecure. Like attracts like, so I want you to become a great guy to meet a great girl.

I’ve been offered big money to be a matchmaker for people and each time I’ve turned it down. Why? Because it’s the opposite of what I teach. I don’t want you to just meet a woman, I want you to become an awesome guy that is naturally attractive to women. You don’t have to be out there approaching women for the rest of your life for that, but if you’re currently struggling in dating, then you might need to commit the next few months to working on it.

So I hope that this puts to rest any concerns that you may have, and I hope that it inspires you to really give this a try. This might be for you, it might not be. You might be involved in this for a while, you might not be. You might just be reading this for some tips or out of curiosity. That’s fine too. Again, by just picking up this book, you’re already open to improving yourself and your life. And for that, you have my respect, regardless of what you do with the information.

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“Why Don’t I Just Use Tinder?”

Every time I do an interview, I’m asked something along the lines of “Why is your job still necessary now that Tinder is so big?”. It makes me smile because Tinder actually helps me on the business front, because unfortunately it’s just another avenue that most men (and women) fail at. I know some guys who destroy Tinder, but 90% of men won’t ever get anything on there.

I actually think that Tinder, apps and online dating are really great tools. But the reality is that women are getting hit up so often via these channels, that they often won’t even see your message. For instance, an attractive girl on Tinder is likely getting matched by 95% of the men on there. And there are thousands of men on these apps in each city. So just imagine how many matches that is per day. By the time she checks her phone, she likely has another ten matches. That same girl in a bar however, might get approached three or four times on a night out (often badly), and significantly less through the day. So approaching in real life allows you to stand out, it’s the difference between her meeting your personality and her meeting a photo of you, and the internal growth that comes from approaching cannot be matched (nowhere near it) from online dating.

Personally, I don’t use Tinder or online dating not because I’m against it in any way (I actually encourage people to use both), but because I lead a very busy life and the input vs. output is just not worth it. In other words, if I’m in a bar for two hours, I’m coming home with a couple of phone numbers of really attractive women (and often enough, one of them is coming home with me). Or if I wander around the city for a couple of hours approaching, I’m also coming home with a few phone numbers. Whereas if I was on a dating app or website for two hours, I might get a couple of matches or messages, but likely from women that I’d not be interested in seeing/dating.

So if you’re using Tinder or online, awesome, but if you’re not getting much from it, I really suggest adding some actual approaching into the mix. It’ll take you a lot longer to get good at, and it’ll be much harder, but you’ll get way more results and way more personal development from it.

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Homework

1. Meditation

Starting today, and for at least the duration of this book, I want you to start meditating. This is really going to help you in so many ways – definitely with women, but also in your day-to-day life. I could do a whole other course on meditation, it has helped me that much.

Now, before you freak out, I don’t want you joining an ashram or anything, I just want you to start with 10 minutes a day. Everyone has 10 minutes a day spare, I don’t care how busy you are. And those 10 minutes will make the rest of your day much more productive, so you’re actually saving time. If a doctor told you that you were ill and needed to do something every day for 10 minutes to save your life, you’d find the time.

It doesn’t matter what time of day you meditate (I do it as soon as I wake up generally, to get it out of the way), what matters most is consistency, and that you commit to doing it every day. This is where that self-discipline starts to come in. You change your life one small discipline at a time, and if you can’t discipline yourself to do something with proven benefits for just 10 minutes a day, then what’re the chances that you are going to be able to commit to going out and meeting women?

Meditation will help you in so many ways, so I highly suggest that you research it more. In short, it will help you with women by teaching you to be more in the moment, to not be so consumed by your thoughts, your vibe will be much better, your mood will be better, you will read women getter, you will be more self-aware and self-confident – the list goes on and on. And there’s plenty of science to back it all up. Meditation literally improves your brain.

How To Do It?

Simply sit comfortably on the floor or in a chair (ideally not lying down), then set a timer in your phone for just 10 minutes. You can do longer if you like, I do 20 minutes, but 10 minutes is a great starting point. Then sit quietly, comfortably, with your eyes closed, and just wait for the alarm to go off. Yep, that’s it.

I hear all the time “I don’t know how to meditate”. That’s because people expect meditation to be some amazing sensation or a complete emptiness of thoughts. No, meditation is just taking time to relax and be with your mind, and conditioning yourself to sit still without stimulation. It’s about being aware of your thoughts, and just letting your mind settle. Maybe it will settle,

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maybe it won’t – it depends on the day. It’s about conditioning your mind to be a bit more present and to let concerns come and go. Overtime, you’ll feel much more at peace.

You will have a lot of thoughts come up, especially when you’re new. That’s fine. Just let them come up. Don’t try to be empty minded. You will think, that’s normal. Just see the thoughts and let them go. Don’t hold on to anything. Ultimately, just wait for the 10 minutes to pass, even if your mind is going crazy.

You can just sit with your mind (mindfulness meditation), watching thoughts come and go, which is what I do, or you can focus on your breathing, which helps many people, or you could do a mantra meditation (transcendental meditation), which is repeating a word or phrase over and over in your mind. Again, what is most important is not how you do it, but that you commit to it as a daily practice. Trying it once or twice or doing it here and there is about as helpful as going to the gym here and there (i.e. nothing will happen).

So even if you feel that it’s wasted time, I really suggest that you to commit to this every day while you’re reading this book. I can’t make you of course, and nor would I want to, but if you committed to this for 30 days, you’d see real tangible benefits. Even from just a few sessions, you might notice some changes – maybe even just some more clarity throughout your day.

You have 10 minutes spare, and this is a great way to spend them. I’ll be adding to this exercise soon, so I start today.

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Chapter 3: My Story.

Personally, I like to know a little about the author of books that I read, especially their story and what gives them the authority to write about what they’re writing about. So here’s a little about myself, including how I got started, what I learned and where I ended up. I’m hoping that you can relate to some parts of it, and that it gives you some inspiration and ideas on how you can navigate your own journey.

How It All Started

After a mutual breakup in 2004 when I was 23 or 24, I realised that I was missing something. There was something that I just wasn’t getting when it came to women, attraction and confidence. However, I didn’t know exactly what it was.

To start, I’m not the cliché ‘loser to lover’ story. I was never really unpopular and I was never cripplingly shy. My self-esteem was ok, but I just never felt that confident in myself, especially when I was around women that I was attracted to. And being newly single in 2004, it dawned on me quickly that I was completely incapable of meeting women.

Although my journey began in an attempt to get my ex back, I soon realised that there was a need inside of me that wouldn’t be fulfilled by just getting her back. I wanted to feel that my life was in my own hands, not just whatever happened to me. I decided that I just had to grow and improve. So after a few miserable nights and one furniture breaking tantrum, I sat down at my computer and typed something along the lines of ‘how to be more confident with women’. Now, this was back in 2004 so there wasn’t much at all on this topic. The internet itself was still pretty new. There were no YouTube videos to watch, no Facebook groups to join, no Meetup groups to attend, only a few plain text websites and email lists that gave me some tips.

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My Realisations

I soon had two major realisations. The first was that I’d been a pussy with women my whole life. I’d never felt worthy of them, and I felt that I had to impress them. I felt that the cute girls were reserved for the cool guys, so when I was around them, I’d usually just go quiet. I really didn’t understand what girls were attracted to or interested in because I was the classic “Man, that guy is a dick, why does she even like him?” guy.

The second big realisation that I had, was that all of the girls that I saw out and about, I could actually meet. All I had to do was “approach” them. I’d never considered that before. I’d never considered that I had the choice to meet women, I thought you just met them by chance – at school, at work, through a friend of a friend at a party. But this approaching concept seemed simple enough and actually pretty exciting. I felt a new freedom from just the idea. So that was it, that’s what I was going to try to do. Before I’d even approached a girl, I was hooked.

Going Out To Approach

On weekends, I worked in a bottle shop until 11 PM. So after work, I started going out to bars and clubs, where I’d inevitably just stand there all night, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I stood there, night after night, week after week, hoping that something would happen. And soon enough, I was accomplishing a few rough approaches. Most of this was alone, but even when I was out with friends, I’d walk off on them to approach women, which they found amusing. I found it interesting that by just approaching, people seemed to think that I was already great with women – even though not much was actually happening with these women. It started to dawn on me how little other guys knew about meeting women, and how much I was stepping out of the normal way of doing things.

For the next couple of years, even though I was living in a variety of countries, I was still out most Friday and Saturday nights. And I actually started to get pretty good. I was even *gasp* – getting laid and dating women. It all started to get much easier, and I was actually enjoying it. I was dating models from bars, I was sleeping with customers from the restaurant that I was working in (much to my boss’s annoyance – “Stop asking out the customers!”), I was hooking up with girls in hostels, etc.

I’d also turned my attention to meeting women during the day, which I found harder but very interesting. For me, it was always about the process of improvement. I’d get blown out (a lot), but I’d always try again. During the week, I’d leave for work a little early to wander through the supermarket, and on weekends, I’d still be going out to bars. And when I got around other

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people who were also interested in this, I really started to get some great results. I also started to feel some real inner changes. Through acquiring these skills, it seemed that my emotional strength was improving, my confidence was improving, and I was more motivated in general.

I consumed very little information during this time. To this day, I can count on one hand the dating products that I ever read or listened to. I knew that my learning would came from approaching and dating. And plus, every time I read or listened to something, it seemed to really over-complicate the process. Since The Game came out in 2005, and pick up got much more popular, everyone was running around using rather technical methods to meet women, which I personally just couldn’t find the need for. I seemed to be doing just fine by just making small talk with people.

Moving To Melbourne

I eventually moved to Melbourne in 2007, firstly because I knew that there were other guys interested in this here. I’d found a couple of forums where guys were talking about this stuff, so I knew that I could have some company in my adventures. And the second reason was that Melbourne is a big city. I knew that I couldn’t really do this on the scale that I wanted to in my hometown of Newcastle. As lovely as it is, it’s just too small. I needed busy bars and busy streets. Melbourne was big enough for me to be able to practice a lot, to keep growing, and to not run out of women or face the potential ramifications of a small town.

As soon as I arrived in Melbourne, I got a corporate job through someone that I knew, and I started doing more approaching than ever. I was out every single Friday and Saturday night, stacking up approach after approach after approach, doing literally thousands over the years, often 20 or 30 a night. “Manic” really was a fitting nickname that caught on. Girl after girl, hook-up after hook-up, sex after sex, adventure after adventure – I soon gained a reputation as someone who was successful at this, and soon enough people began asking for my advice or to take them out. But as much as I liked helping people, I was hesitant about coaching. I didn’t really want this being more than a hobby. I worked a 9 – 5 job, and going out was my sanctuary, my freedom. I enjoyed being able to go out and do my own thing anytime that I liked.

But one day I broke a tooth. Or more, the fillings that I’d had put in as a kid fell out in my sleep. I’d woken up to a massive gap between my front teeth. The dentist was going to be $400, and I needed money immediately to fix it. So I decided to offer my coaching for $100 a night. This would take me only four nights to get the money for my teeth.

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Full-Time Coaching

These initial one night sessions were popular, and I spent the next two years working my full- time office job during the week and coaching on weekends. But one morning in 2010, I was on the tram going to work and feeling like shit. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t enjoy corporate life at all. The people that I worked with were amazing, but going to work as the sun was coming up, and getting home as the sun was going down, was killing me inside. On the tram that morning, hungover, I found myself envious of a homeless person and his ‘freedom’. That didn’t seem right. I realised that I lived in a city with ample job opportunities, and that even if I was just working in a café or a bar, I was never going to starve on the street. So with $3000 of savings to my name, I walked into the office that morning and quit. When I walked back to my desk, I opened a Microsoft Word document, wrote a business plan, and started telling people that I was now offering long-term coaching.

The rest is history. Coaching has been my full-time career since then. It worked out well. I’ve been featured all through the Australian and international media, I’ve been on TV, on radio, in magazines, in the news, and I am a well-known and sought after expert in this area.

The Differences In Me

In my teens and early 20s, although I was not your cliché shy, depressed, lonely guy, I certainly did feel insecure in myself, especially around women. I still love telling the tale of the time that I stood up an Indycar Grid Girl that I’d accidentally got talking to when a celebrity that she’d slept with gave her a wrong phone number – which miraculously turned out to be mine. I was just too scared to go on the date with her, so after sitting in the carpark for a while, while she was in the café, I drove off.

By my early twenties, I’d dated/slept with a total of three women, two of whom had done all the work for me, from the approach to sex. I was not confident, I was not motivated, I was not on much of a life/career path. By comparison, in 2017 at the time of finishing this book, I’m 36, I’ve approached and met well over 10 000 women, I’ve been on hundreds of dates, slept with probably a couple hundred women (counting is lame), and I’ve had some amazing connections and relationships with some really lovely and beautiful women. I have a large social circle, I run a successful business, I’ve coached hundreds of guys in person and many more online and through seminars, and I have a great reputation as an honest and reliable coach. You can see more on my website: www.manicworkshops.com

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So I’ve certainly come a long way, and I’ve certainly done what I teach myself. I’ve walked my talk. But by far the best part of it all, was the internal growth that took place – the internal growth is inevitable on this journey. I now have life-direction, I live in abundance. Most mornings, I wake up motivated to improve my life and the lives of other people. I’m really feel that I’m a much better, nicer, more fulfilled person because of this journey. I’m immeasurably more confident, more content, and I enjoy a good lifestyle that I’ve worked hard to create. And that’s what I want for you too. As I mentioned in the last chapter, it’s not about changing who you are – I don’t want you to be a different person – I just want you to get back in touch with the real you. The ‘you’ deep down inside that isn’t so stuck in life, that isn’t terrified of women, that is enthusiastic and hopeful. I know that that confident, self-loving guy is in you somewhere – he’s in all of us. We just lose him from time to time.

Let’s Do This!

As I mentioned in the past last two chapters, the best thing about improving in this area is that your whole life improves. You probably don’t believe that now, but you will one day. This journey will be hard, I can assure you of that. I spent countless hours sitting alone at 4 AM after a terrible night out, eating Chinese food and wondering why the hell I was even still doing this. I’ve had incredibly tough breakups, I’ve debated my entire life and direction, I’ve had my body falling apart and I’ve been emotionally exhausted more times that I could ever count. I’ve done more in dating and more with women than most people would even believe, but I’ve also been rejected probably more than anyone in the country and been to the darkest places of my soul. And I regret none of it. You will have very testing times, but they’re a crucial part of the process. If you persist, you’ll start to see a version of yourself that you likely can’t even imagine now. That goes for any path of personal development, but this one especially as it’s a lot more ‘in your face’. Again, this path might be for you, it might not be. Start with this book, do the homework, go out to implement it as much as you want/can, and then see where you’re at after that.

Basically, if I can do this and get to where I’ve gotten, then you can too, regardless of your age, background, or experience. It all starts with a choice. This is not some ego-driven bullshit, it’s about learning to actually like yourself and enjoying your life. So again, welcome, and let’s get started. Good luck!

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Homework

1. What Do You Want From This Book?

I want you to write down in your journal what you’d like from this book, and why. List multiple things. They can be anything – more confidence, a girlfriend, the ability to approach women, to have better conversations, to feel more comfortable on dates, to feel more fulfilled in your day to day life, to have better self-esteem, maybe you just want a few ideas on how women think, etc. Write at least five.

Whatever you’d like, write it down, and then after each, write why you’d like that. I think that it’s important to have some idea of what you want going forward, so that you can sow those seeds in your mind and allow your subconscious to start directing you (more on that later). You’ll then see more opportunities and it’ll be easier to take those steps in the right direction. And understanding why you want these things is going to give you some emotional attachment to it.

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Section 2

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Chapter 4: Key Elements Of A Successful Mindset.

Having the right mindset is absolutely critical if you want to improve your ability with women and in dating. This all starts in your head. Are you strong mentally or are you weak? Do you believe that life works for you or against you? Do you have the willpower and persistence to get through the inevitable tough times? Can you be self-assured enough to withstand rejection and to try again? Are you mostly positive or mostly negative? Basically, do you have the mental fortitude to make this happen? Because the truth is that most guys will give up. Most guys will test these waters, but they won’t last very long. They’ll quit because it gets boring, or because it stirs up emotions that they don’t want to deal with, or because they can’t deal with rejection, or because they think that it’s weird, or their friends think it’s weird, or because they’re lazy, or negative, or because they don’t really want to change – the list goes on. Like I said, this is just not for some guys, which is totally fine. But some guys will really want this, but will quit long before they see the results that persistence can bring. So you need to ask yourself if you’ll be one of them.

Here are some key components of a good mindset. I’ve narrowed it down to 15, although there are likely many more (that would be a book in itself). These are in no specific order. Please write them down in your journal.

Positivity

You need to be overall positive. I certainly don’t mean that you need to be some deluded, airy- fairy, positive thinker – I just mean that no-one likes a persistently negative, whiny bitchy guy, especially not attractive women or successful men. People don’t want to be around someone that’s complaining endlessly about how hard things are, or that life isn’t fair, or how they’re not happy with how things have worked out for them, etc.

But more importantly, you need to be positive for you. I truly do believe that your life is a reflection of your thinking. A negative outlook on life will attract negative situations and negative people. I see it all the time – a guy out there approaching and meeting women, and doing everything correctly, but it still not working for him because of his negativity.

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Unless you can find the potential good and opportunities in your bad experiences, you’re doomed to fail. This can be hard to do when you’re going through some shit, but successful people always see the opportunity in situations. You need to be able to lift yourself up from the tough times and focus on the good instead of the bad. Yes, absolutely accept the bad, even wallow around in it for a while – anyone that knows me, knows that I certainly do. I’m not telling you to detach from your negative emotions, that’s unhealthy and unrealistic – but just don’t stay there. Be generally positive. Have a good outlook on life, you’re probably way luckier that you think. If you aren’t positive, then you need to start conditioning yourself to be. There’s definitely power in negativity, if you use it to leverage yourself to something better. So again, don’t shy away from bad situations, just try to face them with a good outlook. Keep moving forward in good faith that you are getting somewhere, and that things are working out for you.

Persistence

Anything worthwhile is hard and takes time. Most men won’t have freedom in dating, or the confidence and success with women that they’d like, simply because they won’t persist in learning the skills required. Persistence is key.

Persistence is the one trait that will determine above all others your success. You’ll have plateaus where it feels like you just aren’t getting any better, and you’ll even sometimes feel that you’re getting worse. This is a dangerous time when most guys quit. They give up because they don’t understand how growth works. Those plateaus and dips are necessary. Success is not a linear rise up, it’s all over the place. You go up, then down, then plateau, then up again, then down again. One week you’re great, the next you suck. But you’re actually learning the most during those dips and plateaus. They usually come right before your next rise. But many don’t make it out of the dips and plateaus.

Patience

Success in this will not happen overnight. Just because you bought this book, doesn’t mean that you’ll meet your dream woman tomorrow, or that you’ll be confident approaching women next weekend. The first time that you go out to do this, you’ll likely walk around doing nothing. It will take time. One of the worst things that you can do is desperately try to rush the process.

Let the process unfold. It’ll take time, but that’s a good thing. Think of all the people who win the lottery overnight and lost it all in a year because they didn’t build a financial foundation

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first. You get things when you’re ready for them, not when you want them. So accept this in advance. Be patient. You have your whole life.

The World Owes You Nothing

Life is not fair, but that’s a good thing for you. It means that you can rise to be more than average, achieve more than average, have more than average. If life was fair, it’d mean that you were just like everyone else, had the same as everyone else, accomplished the same as everyone else, felt the same as everyone else, etc. Fuck that. There’d be no opportunity to work hard and shine.

Life owes you nothing, women owe you nothing, no-one owes you anything. Everything is on YOU. Everything that you have and everything that you are, for the most-part, is because of your beliefs, decisions and actions. Don’t whine that life isn’t fair, or that you were treated badly, or that some girl was mean to you, or that some ugly guy has a hot girlfriend – stop being a bitch. Take control of your life, man up and take responsibility.

Things Happening For A Reason

As deluded as this may sound, it really does help to believe that things might actually be happening to you for a reason.Bad things happening to you can be blessings, if you choose to act on them. The most amazing things that have happened in my life, have come right after really rough periods. It’s ok to go crashing down – that’s where the crucial lessons happen – but then get back up, evaluate and move forward.

Everything that’s happening to you right now may very well just be preparing you for what you actually want. You can bitch and whinge about it, or you can see the lessons and the opportunity to turn yourself and the situation into something better. This might be completely delusional, I’m aware of that, but I believe that it’s a very powerful mindset to condition yourself to – the idea that you have the power to turn anything around in your life, and that life might actually be giving you opportunities to do so. And once you do experience this a few times – where it seems like things really did happen for a reason – then it’s actually hard to not believe it.

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Gratitude

You had the money to buy this book, and you live in a country that enabled you to buy this book. This automatically means that very likely you’re one of the luckiest and wealthiest people on the planet.

When we’re chasing things that we want, we sometimes forget how amazing our lives are already and how insanely lucky we are. Even royalty a couple of hundred years ago couldn’t have imagined living like we do now. And you think that your life is over because some girl didn’t text you back? Or because meeting women is hard? Boo fucking hoo. Try living in any one of the many countries where the main goal for the day is to not die.

Self-Discipline

Self-discipline is such an important key to success in anything, and I believe that getting better at approaching and interacting with women will teach you self-discipline more than anything. Why? Because it’s so much harder than anything else, and because it’s so much more personal than anything else. Building a business is hard, getting fit is hard, learning an instrument is hard – but your ego isn’t being broken down with every rejection like it is in approaching. You don’t have to overcome have wiring in your brain that fears social. Basically, if you can get yourself to go out and talk to women consistently, and to stick with it until you see some results – then you can get yourself to do anything.

Learn to be your own boss. Be it in dating or in something else if you like. Just develop the ability to make yourself do the things that you need to do, even when you don’t want to do them. People always seem to admire my ability to wake up, meditate, exercise, work hard, etc. but I just don’t see it as a choice. As soon as you let that self-discipline slip, everything starts to slip.

So self-discipline is such a key trait to develop. The key word there is develop. It’s not something that you just have, you develop it over time. It’ll get you from where you are, to what you want to be, while also carrying over to all areas of your life. As a coach, it’s a lot easier to work with guys who have already had to be disciplined in another area.

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Some guys want to get good with women for egotistical reasons. They want their friends to be impressed, they want to show off a trophy girlfriend, they want to prove to their parents that they “made it”, etc. I think that this sends you backwards, and further away from the real lesson of self-acceptance.

You need to unhook ego attachments in order to find your own personal satisfaction. You want to grow for you, not to look cool to others, because forever seeking the approval of others will not be satisfying in the long run – it’s a game that you can’t win. Don’t put your value into the hands of others. Caring too much about what people think of you is a clear sign that your self- esteem is low. You need the validation of people around you to feel good about yourself. It’s about giving a shit what people think about you – you’re human after all, so you always will – but not so much that it starts to direct your life. I have an in-depth video on this very topic on my YouTube channel that you should check out.

I really believe that some ego is great. It’s healthy, it makes you strive and compete, it makes you work hard. I myself have a very ‘healthy’ (shall we say) ego. But if your ego morphs into you wanting to do things just to impress others, or to find identity because you don’t know who you are, or to be liked by others because you don’t like yourself, then it’ll absolutely hold you back in the long-run. It might be enough to get you started, but it won’t keep you going. Also, you’ll eventually realise that people don’t like you for what you have, they like you for who you are.

Liking & Accepting Yourself

It’s cliché I know, but learning to actually like yourself and to accept yourself as you are, brings the ultimate success. That’s when everything starts to shift. I believe that a lot of guys get into picking up women to as a replacement for this.

Learning to really like and accept yourself does take practice however. We live in a world where we define people by their grades, their jobs, how many Instagram followers they have (follow me on Instagram by the way, haha), and we compare ourselves with others all the time (or some bullshit notion of who we should be). Also, it’s not seen as a good thing to really like yourself. I remember when I was a kid, “You love yourself” was an insult in the playground. So as adults, this is a practice where you may need to stop thinking that goals, change, achievements, etc. will fix you, and learn to accept all parts of yourself and your life as they are now.

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Many people think that if you just accept yourself completely, then you won’t grow and improve. I disagree. I think that you can learn to accept yourself more as you are, and to like your life more as it is, while also working to improve yourself. They’re not mutually exclusive. It’s just valuing who you are and where you’re at, while at the same time moving towards more. When you accept yourself and your life more – even the shit parts – then you’ll no longer desperately need anything. And desperation stinks in the dating world. When you need less, you ironically get more.

Living Your Own Life

What do you want out of life? Not what your parents want, not what your friends think is cool, not what you feel you should be doing – what do YOU want?

Working on what you really want in life will really carry over to success with women. You’ll radiate enthusiasm. By living more of the life that you want, you’ll be more motivated, you’ll inspire others, and you’ll be a leader to those around you. That or they’ll drop off. Yes, you’ll likely lose some friends on this path because not everyone wants to see you change and grow. You’ll likely see an evolution of friends once you undertake any path of personal development. Change can stir up resistance from some people around you, and others will just drop off. Expect it, but don’t let it stop you.

So how much are you living your life? How much are you doing what you want, rather than living a life to please other people?

Understanding The Mind/Reality Connection

I think that we’ve lost touch with our ability to influence and create our lives. I’m not going to go into a deep woo-woo spiritual rant here, but our minds are obviously amazingly powerful, and if you aren’t using it to help create the life that you want, you’re crazy. If you’re not seeing your goals in your mind, conditioning your mind, that little bit more each day, I think you’re missing out. I believe that how you are on the inside, is how you are on the outside, and I see a lot of guys out chasing women and wanting to be great in dating, but getting nowhere because they never address their thinking (or “inner game”). They never look inside at the engine driving the machine – their beliefs, their perspectives, their emotional drivers – and they’re unaware of how these are influencing their outcomes often more than behaviours (i.e. approaching). They live their lives thinking that they are just the victims of circumstance, or get annoying thinking

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that they’re owed their due, and not realising that it’s actually them and their outlook that are creating and shaping their circumstances.

Valuing The Journey

‘Outcome dependence’ is when you need results so badly that you miss the lessons that are right in front of you. This is a common problem among guys learning to be good with women. They want to get laid now, phone numbers now, dates now, and that’s all that they focus on.

This path will teach you an abundance of things about people, life, society and yourself, and this is what will really help you in the long-run. The knowledge that you gain and the lessons that you go through are all what will create an amazing life and an amazing mindset for you – not just a girl. And as I mentioned in the last point, it’s your mindset that’s dictating your outcomes.

So if you just met a girlfriend immediately at the start of your journey, on one hand that’s great. But on another hand, how much would you have grown, compared to if you met her after one year of growth and lessons? So enjoy the journey. Be patient and pay attention to who you’re becoming in the process. Pay attention to what you’re learning, not just what you’re getting (or not getting). Obviously, this applies to so many other areas of life also – just let things unfold in their own time, and appreciate the process.

Like Attracts Like

Who you attract is determined a lot by who you are. We attract people that are similar ourselves. So rather than blaming women, saying that they’re this or that, or that they only want this or that, take a look in the mirror. If you’re constantly negative, or your life is chaotic, or you’re always a victim, or you’re weak emotionally – it’s this that’s attracting those women. Who you’re attracting into your life is because of you. Every day men out there are meeting and dating great women. Other people out there are getting exactly what they want. It’s not the environment, it’s not women, it’s not society, it’s you. Grow and improve yourself (and your mindset), and the women, people and situations that you attract will change also.

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Desperation

When people say things like “Stop looking for a girl. When the time’s right, it’ll happen” – what they actually mean is “Stop being so desperate”.

Don’t run around desperately needing a woman. Don’t desperately need to be successful with women in next week. There’s a huge difference between wanting and needing. No-one likes a desperate guy. To women, a desperate guy is like a fart in an elevator – it’s suffocating, nauseating and makes them want to pry open the door for an immediate getaway. Being desperate or “needing this to work” is a clear indicator that you’re not coming from a good place. There’s something inside of you that you’re trying to outrun, and you’re needing someone else (or something else) to feel good about yourself. Yes, you can go out to approach women and improve your abilities, without desperately needing it. Some of the hardest guys to coach are the guys that keep asking if “it” is working yet, or when they will be awesome at it.

“Don’t go looking for it, it will come when the time is right” – on one hand I think that this is cliché bullshit that gives people the perfect excuse to not do anything. But on the other hand, it does have some merit. It’s about balance. Don’t go desperately looking for a woman or a relationship. Don’t try so hard or want to be amazing in a week. It’s all like approaching a cat – walk slowly towards it. If you bolt at it, it will continue to evade you.

Lifestyle

If you hate your life, you’ll radiate a shitty vibe, which will attract shitty people and shitty situations. You’ll also probably struggle with all of the points that I’ve mentioned here. You might actually have a great life, but a bad mindset is making it seem bad, or you might legitimately really need to make some life changes.

What do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to be in five years? You should get working on that. Don’t just settle. If you’re looking into improving your dating and confidence, while you are at it, why not look into all areas of your life? They’re all connected. If you wake up hating your day to day life, and you don’t see it going anywhere, but you’re not taking any action to change it, then what are the chances that a girl is going to want to be a part of that? And what are the chances that you’re going to have the motivation to work on any personal development?

I’m not telling you to just quit your job and start sculpting in your basement, and I’m also not saying that you have to have it all figured out with a clear path in front of you. I’m just saying

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that you should be making small but consistent steps towards what you want. Again, with patience. Take calculated risks towards what you want in life, because taking no risk is going to hurt you much more in the long-run.

Homework

1. Mindset Scoreboard

Part 1

I hope that you noted down all of those points in your journal as you read them, because now I want you to go back and give yourself a rating from 1 – 10 on how well you think you’re doing in each particular area (a 1 being the worst and a 10 being the best).

Part 2

I also want you to write a paragraph under each on why you rated yourself that. The more detail that you give here, the better. So if you rated yourself an 8 in a particular area, great, why do you think that is? If you gave yourself a 4 in an area, ok, why do you think that is?

Part 3

And now I want you to write down what you could do in each of these areas to take you up a notch. So if you gave yourself a 4, how do you think that you could improve that? What would take you from a 4 to a 6? Or even from a 4 to a 9? Anything under a 6-7, I think needs some effort to improve.

This is just a little check-in to see how you’re doing in some of these key mindset areas, and to highlight what you might need to be aware of in your thinking going forward.

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2. Start A Morning Routine

Having a morning routine is something that will really help you, beyond just meeting women. So many people wake up and immediately get sucked straight into the day through texts, emails, social media, before dragging themselves to the shower, rushing through breakfast, without taking a moment for themselves to really capture the day. I’m not talking all carpe diem shit here, I’m just saying that I’ve personally found those first few minutes after waking can really determine your mood for the day. And most people don’t start the day, the day starts them.

Starting the day off with something that YOU choose, before you even turn your phone on or rush to get dressed is very powerful, and will set the theme for the rest of the day. You’ll start the day in action rather than reaction. You’ll have accomplished your first thing for the day on your own terms, and you’ll have overcome that first little bit of resistance for the day (because invariably, you won’t want to do your morning routine).

So I want you to commit to some kind of morning routine that you do before you turn your phone on, or check your emails, or have breakfast, or get started with the day. This could be your meditation from the last chapter (which is how I generally start my days), or it could be anything else. It could be yoga, it could be reading for ten minutes, it could be playing an instrument for ten minutes, it could be going for a quick walk around the block, it could be even just having a tea quietly by yourself, or some breathing exercises, it could even be just making your bed – whatever. It’s the commitment to it, and the consistency in doing it, that’s more important than the action itself. So just find something beneficial and enjoyable, and do it at the start of every day for the next 30 days, and watch how your days go much better.

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Chapter 5: The Average

Timeline Of Improvement.

Generally, the timeline of improving one’s ability with women and in dating is longer than most people think. One of the most common problems that guys face on this journey is that they rush into it and demand results of themselves in a week, and then get discouraged when it takes longer than they thought it would. They thought that by just filling their heads with information, when they go out to approach, it would work.

I’m sorry, but despite all the hype out there, the reality is that it takes a while. You need to accept in advance that much like learning anything else of value – it requires effort, practice and time. I find that most guy’s skill level overtime looks very similar to the stock market – it goes up, then down, then up again, then down again – but the key is that overall, it’s going up. I discuss this more in the next chapter, but if you’re out meeting women, even if you’re just trying, I don’t care how bad you’re doing, you’re still improving, even if it seems like you’re not.

So I’ll go through a general timeline. This is general – so you might be quicker or slower, different factors will change it for different people. This exact timeline doesn’t apply to everyone, obviously, it’s just a conservative average of what I have seen. Some guys will be much faster, others will be much slower. Also, different guys will want different things. Some guys approach for a couple of weeks, meet a woman and they’re done. Others want to spend months or years learning, growing and improving. Regardless, this timeline is based on going out and approaching a reasonable amount. You need consistency to improve. Even just going out once a week is fine if that’s what you can do for now, but you need to talk to multiple women when you do. Once your ability improves, you actually won’t have to go out and approach as much.

One Month – Three Months

This period is when you’re a newbie. You generally have intense anxiety around approaching and talking to women, your interactions are brief because you don’t know how to continue conversations. Rejections have a harsh sting to them, and you probably have a lot of doubts about your ability to do this.

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This is a very frustrating period where many guys will give up. They like the idea of getting better with women and having more confidence, but they just can’t stick it out and make it happen. Or, they realise that this just is not for them. Again, this is not for everyone. The guys that do make it beyond this, it’s usually because they had a more positive outlook and could see beyond the immediate pain.

Three Months – Six Months

Now you’re competent. This is actually still way better than most guys. Your approaches go much better, you’re having reasonable conversations, you’re likely getting phone numbers. This is where you start to feel your first real changes. You start to feel more confident, and that you can actually do this. To anyone else, you being able to approach women means that you’re awesome with women. But you maybe don’t feel that yet because you might not actually be getting regular dates or sex yet.

Here your ability to read girls likely still needs work. Many of your phone numbers might not reply, and you’re likely starting to face some of those deeper-seated insecurities. A lot of guys quit here because of the flakes, which is when a woman doesn’t reply to your texts or calls. This can be incredibly frustrating but it’s just another phase that requires persistence and patience to get through. I’ll discuss flakes more in a later chapter.

Six Months – Twelve Months

Now you’re beyond intermediate. Your phone numbers are texting back much more regularly, your conversations are good and enjoyable, and you’re likely having regular dates. You’re still probably dealing with some crap in your head, but you have much more of a handle on it because you’re much stronger emotionally now.

A lot of guys get girlfriends in this time and walk away from all of this, which is great. If that’s what you wanted – well done, you deserved it. Other guys want to continue on the path, meet more women, learn more about themselves and keep dating. Some guys are just not interested in a traditional relationship just yet. However, some guys here quit through burnout. Those are often the guys who put too much pressure on themselves to get good, and end up hating approaching women.

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Twelve Months Onwards

After twelve months, you’re pretty advanced. Again, that’s if you’ve gone out and actually approached regularly, and if you’ve addressed some of the other often neglected areas (inner game, dress sense, etc.). You know that in order to get a date, all you really have to do is get out of the house and talk to a few women. Your thinking has probably significantly changed, and you’re noticeably different to people who have known you for a while. You’re likely much more of a leader now, with people looking up to you, and people wanting to get to know you. Despite being able to meet women, you’ve realised that it’s your overall lifestyle that makes you happy, so you work on that also, which in turn, makes you even more attractive to others.

You might be dating some girls, or a girl, you might not. But it’s much more your choice now, rather than just not being able to meet anyone. You still have your issues of course – you’re human – and you might be dealing with much more ‘quality problems’, but you’re much better equipped to deal with them. It’s important to stay in touch with your growth here and to not slip into ego addiction or emotional detachment, which I will discuss later.

Everyone Is Different

Again, this is an average timeline. Different factors mean that results will vary for different people. Your appearance, your beliefs, your life situation, the people you are around, how much you’re able to go out, etc. will all really affect your results. And of course, if you are getting quality coaching or mentoring, this will really shorten the timeline. Also, some guys taking breaks to date women exclusively early on, whereas others do not. So it’s different for everyone.

The importance of me telling you this though, is to just break you out of the mentality of “I’ll go out for a month, do some approaches and it will all work out wonderfully” which is very common among new guys.

Stick In There

Know that you’re in this for the long-haul. Know that you’ll do this until you get what you want or who you want, or at least until you’ve made some noticeable mindset improvements. If you were once very shy and now you’re not – that alone is a huge win. So don’t be like the majority who try something and give up when it gets tough. Be different. You likely bought this book

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because you want change, so commit to that change. Sometimes it totally sucks – I know, I’ve been there. But stick through the frustrating times. I can assure you that it’s worth it. When you’re a much more successful, confident and fulfilled version of yourself, you’ll be thankful that you stuck it out. When you’re dating a great woman, or sleeping with great women, or you just find yourself out there having fun meeting them, then you’ll be thankful that you stuck at it. It’s only hard in the moment. In retrospect, the tough times were critical lessons.

Homework

1. What Is Your End Goal?

What’s your ultimate end goal in this? And how will you know when you’re there? I want you to write out specifically where you would like to eventually end up in all of this. How will you know when you have achieved what you wanted to achieve?

So, describe a hypothetical future situation in which you realise that you’ve made it. What situation would have to happen for you to realise that you got whatever it is that you wanted? Where are you? What is the situation? Who are you with? How are you dressed? How do you feel?

Maybe you wake up and look over at your amazing partner. Maybe you’re at a house party being fun, confident and social. Maybe you’re having great sex with an attractive girl. Maybe you’re getting married. Maybe you’re helping one of your friends improve his dating situation. Whatever it is for you, pick one specific hypothetical situation that stirs up your emotions, and write it down. Again, the more detail that you give here, the more influence that it’s going to have on you.

Note – I don’t subscribe to the common self-help notion of needing to know exactly what you want. I don’t think that it’s a necessity. I actually think that it’s much better to leave all doors open. I’ve coached plenty of guys who wanted a girlfriend, and then as soon as they got one, they realised that that wasn’t what they wanted. And I’ve coached plenty of other guys who didn’t want a girlfriend, but ended up happily in a relationship in a month or two. Some of the hardest guys to coach are actually the ones who cling so tightly to what they think they want, that they often miss what’s right in front of them. So why am I getting you to do this exercise? Because I’m a huge believer in visualisation. I think that exercises like these start to condition the mind for what’s possible, and they get you facing in the right direction. So this exercise is about getting you on the right path, conditioning your mind for success, and not necessarily about locking in what the end goal must be.

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Lastly, leave your ego out of this. Don’t write out that you want to be some pimp just because you think that your friends will like you more. What do you really want, deep down?

2. Other Things That Will Improve

Now I want you to write down 10 other things that will improve because of you taking action in this area. 10 things that are not dating related.

Maybe you’ll dress better, maybe you’ll be more confident with customers at work, maybe you’ll have better self-esteem, maybe you’ll just get out of the house more, maybe you’ll have to deal with your acne and head to the doctors, maybe you’ll make some new friends, etc. Whatever is it, I want you to think of 10 ways outside of dating, that your life will improve from you going through this process of becoming better with woman.

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Chapter 6: Improving Your Appearance.

Appearance is very often overlooked by guys who are wanting to get out there and meet more women. So many gurus and books say that looks don’t matter because that’s easy to sell. It’s much easier to convince the average looking dude who is overweight and dresses like shit that he can sleep with beautiful women by just approaching, than it is to convince him that he has to work on himself.

Yes, there are some instances where looks don’t matter – everyone can think of at least one rough looking fella who is dating a stunner – but that’s the exception rather than the rule. The reason that you notice it, is because it is unusual.

Is Your Appearance Working For You Or Against You?

When you approach a woman, she’ll determine if she’s attracted to you or not for the most- part in seconds. And your appearance will be the greatest factor in that. How you look says a lot about you – on both a genetic level and a personality level. It says more about you, generally, than what you’re actually saying, and often guys focus so much on approaching that they neglect this key area, then wonder why they aren’t getting any results. I’ve seen this many times – a guy out there approaching, approaching, approaching and wondering why he never gets anywhere, all the while looking like shit. He’s either unaware of it, or convinced that “looks don’t matter”.

He’s right in a way – good game does beat good looks. But note that I said good game. When you’re new and learning, and you haven’t had much success, then your looks and your appearance certainly do count for a lot more. As you improve, looks matter less because you’ve developed confidence, charm, good beliefs and a good personality – which will all shine through. But a significant part of a woman’s attraction to you, especially when you’re starting out, will be how attractive she finds you physically. You can deny this all you like, or you can work to improve how you look.

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Probably the quickest way to get more attention for women, and from more attractive women, is to simply look better. You don’t have to be a model – in fact, I’ve coached male models who sucked with women because they just relied on their looks – but you should at least look decent when you’re out meeting women. Do the most with what you’ve got. Every guy can get up to decent. Also, the benefits of improving how you look will go beyond just meeting women. People in general will perceive you differently when you look your best, when you’re healthy, when you dress well, when you smell good, etc. So let’s go through some specifics.

Body

Every man can benefit from exercise. The gym is great for some guys – it will generally tone you up faster than other forms of exercise, as well as improving your mood, your mind, your hormones, your bone density, how clothes fit, etc. – however, other guys simply won’t enjoy it. So do whatever works for you. I personally enjoy the gym occasionally (I’m not a gym junkie), I do sprints most mornings because I find them incredibly helpful for my mood and motivation, and I do Bikram/hot yoga a couple of times a week. I personally don’t enjoy sports.

If you’re overweight, this is a going to be a great time to commit to improving your health. The reality is that most women find overweight men as attractive as most men find overweight women. So work on that. And if you’re thin and weight isn’t an issue you, regular exercise will still be great for your mood, mind and general health, which all play a part in attraction and success in dating. I’ve met many men struggling with confidence and in dating because they were in a bad way mentally. Sometimes they’re on anti-depressants, despite doing no exercise, which has been shown time and time again to be incredibly beneficial for depression.

Ultimately, the more attractive that you are, the more attractive women will find you. And the healthier that you are, the more motivated and positive you will be.

Skin

Don’t overlook things like skin condition, teeth condition, hair condition, etc. because they tell people a lot about you on a subconscious level. These are health indicators, which we just interpret on a conscious level as ‘attractive’ or ‘not’.

I recommend using a high-quality soap/body wash/face wash, which you can pick up in a supermarket for $10. You could also be using a moisturiser for better skin condition, perhaps even also a sunscreen if ageing is a concern.

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If you have acne, head to your doctor to get it looked after. I’m surprised by how many guys just accept their acne when a trip to the doctor/dermatologist and some medication (sometimes even just a diet change or exercise), can sort that out. I’m also surprised by how many guys I see out approaching women when their face is dry and flaky, or bald men with a dry and flaky scalp. I see this all the time, and it’s not very appealing and absolutely unnecessary when a $10 moisturiser will fix it.

Teeth

If you have crooked teeth, broken teeth, brown teeth – this will be one of the first things that people notice about you. No money will be better spent than going to the dentist to have your teeth fixed/improved. This doesn’t mean that you need to have some perfect Hollywood smile, nor does it mean that you have to spend thousands of dollars – just do the best with what you have. You’d be very surprised at the cheap and effective solutions available these days.

To brighten up your teeth, you can have some professional whitening done. It takes an hour, and is a few hundred dollars but absolutely worth it. Alternatively, you could even look into some home whitening solutions.

Obviously, you should also be brushing, flossing and using mouthwash, as well as carrying mints on you. Regardless of how good your game is, if your breath stinks, you’re going nowhere.

Hair

If you’ve got it, sort it out. Don’t settle for some crappy $10 haircut. Get to a stylist and have it styled. You pay $50 for a decent shirt that you wear only occasionally, so consider your hair like a shirt that you wear every day. It’s worth the money to have it looking its best.

If you’re balding, don’t try to rock the puffy-sides koala haircut – shave it and own it. I do much better with women now as a bald man than I did when I had a head full of blonde hair.I’m not saying that’s why, I’m just saying that with a good personality and good game, balding won’t affect you that much.

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How you dress says so much about you. If you feel that you need to improve how you dress, you could look up a stylist, or Google some fashion ideas, or you could simply go to a few stores and ask for their help. Just make sure that you go to reasonably fashionable stores, and bear in mind that store workers generally get a commission of their sales (i.e. they may try to sell you everything). Find some sales if you’re on a budget, there are always some on somewhere. I just meet a lot of men who are out trying to meet women in washed-out ten year old clothes.

You absolutely don’t need to be a fashion connoisseur – I’m certainly not – and you don’t always need to be decked out in your best clothes (personally, I really enjoy my days off in tracksuits). But if you’re out meeting women, you do need to look pretty good. This isn’t an area in which you should think “Oh yeah, I’m sure I’m fine” if you’re not sure.

This is probably the quickest way to get better responses from your approaches when you’re starting out. You don’t have to be some wanky fashion guy, you don’t need to know everything, and you don’t need spend thousands of dollars. Again, you can find sales in most places, and you can get free assistance from people in the stores (or a well-priced fashion consultant if you like). I’ve had day coaching sessions where I’ve made clients buy new clients halfway through the session (because they rocked up dressed badly), and seen the huge difference in responses from women, from the first half of the session to the second.

I find that some of my clients really struggle with identity attachment here. We’ll go out and buy new clothes for them, but they’ll continue to wear their old ones clothes because they’re worried what people will think of them. You need to let that go. Again, your opinion on yourself should be more important to you than their opinion of you. How you dress reflects how you feel about yourself. It also tells women how much you take care of yourself. If you can’t even look after yourself and dress half decently when you’re going out, then will she think that you can look after her or a family?

Smell

I really need to stress here that there’s a big difference between deodorant and antiperspirant. Don’t just use spray deodorant because they aren’t designed to stop your body odour, they only mask it (and most mask it poorly). I recommend an antiperspirant, especially a roll-on, and especially if you do tend to sweat a lot or have strong body odour. Again, if you smell bad, it’s game over.

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On top of this, I would suggest getting yourself some cologne, eau de toilette, parfum, etc. Once again, you don’t have to spend big. You can get a decent one for $50 that will last you months. And it’s these little understated things that women find really attractive. If money is tight, you can go into a store, try a few, and then jump online to buy it cheaper.

Homework

1. Appearance Scoreboard

Part 1

In your journal, rate yourself from 1 – 10 in these areas: ▪ Body

▪ Skin
▪ Teeth
▪ Hair
▪ Dress
▪ Smell
▪ General hygiene
▪ Overall appearance

Part 2

For any score under a 7, think of how you are going to improve it, then take one small step towards improving it today.

If you think that your hair looks shit, make an appointment today to see a stylist. If you think that you could dress better, plan a day to get to a store and ask for some advice.If you’re overweight, Google some training exercises or find a gym. Hell, even just go for a run. Just take that first step today.

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2. Get Opinions On Your Appearance

Some guys reading this will already have their appearance all sorted out. Others guys won’t, but will be aware that they have some work to do. But some guys won’t, but won’t have any idea if they need to improve here or not. If you are unsure, then the chances are that it’s a yes, but something that can help you here, is to just get some female opinions on how you look and how you could improve. If you’re comfortable asking friends, great. But you need to stress to them that you need honesty (and you need to be prepared for that too). An alternative to this, is putting some photos online on websites that give ratings on how you look. You can find these with a simple Google search.

Another alternative is to jump on an outsourcing/freelancing website and requesting some honest feedback on your appearance. Again, you can Google these sites, but one where you can have this done very cheaply is Fiverr. This would be a great way to get an outsiders honest opinion.

Whatever you decide, if you are a little unsure on how you’re coming across physically to women, just get three female opinions on how you look and how you could improve. Knowledge is power, so put your ego aside.

If the results come back that you are a little rough looking, and that you do have a lot of work to do – don’t let that stop you. Sure, you might have to work a little harder than the better looking guys, however that actually is a huge advantage. You have to develop great game and great personality, whereas attractive guys can ride their appearance and won’t have to grow as much as you will. So you’ll actually do much better in the long-term than the guys who just relied on their looks. Trust me, I’ve been around this game for long enough to I have seen this happen many times – a really attractive guy struggle because he was so caught up in appearance, and an average looking guy kill it because he worked on his inner game, confidence and personality. Again, I’ve coached male models and I’ve also coached very unattractive guys, and success ultimately comes down to attitude, persistence and positivity.

3. Exercise

I want you to start incorporating some kind of exercise into your week. If you already exercise, great. If you don’t, it’s time to start. Even if you look healthy and are thin, exercise will massively help you with women simply by improve your mind, your thinking, your motivation, your mood, etc. which will all make your interactions go better. You’ll also develop self- discipline if you stick at it.

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So this could be gym, yoga, cross fit, sprints, running, swimming, a sport, martial arts – whatever you find enjoyable. It doesn’t have to be that often, even just once or twice a week is a great starting point. And no, “I’m too busy” is not a good enough excuse.

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Chapter 7: How To Find & Use Wingmen.

Finding a guy, or guys, to go out with and to share ideas with, will be incredibly handy on this path. In other words, finding ‘wingmen’. Depending on where you’re at in your life, your friends might not be that interested in personal development and meeting women. If you’re a younger guy, your friends are likely not going to be that interested in personal development, and if you’re an older guy, most of your friends are likely married with kids. So having some other guys that you can talk to about this, and most importantly – that you can actually go out with – is going to be very important.

This path might be harder and less enjoyable, and will probably take longer, if you’re trying to do it all your own. It can be done, certainly, I got started on my own, so if you are in that position, that’s totally fine. Some guys actually prefer to do it alone. However, most guys are going to enjoy it more and will be more motivated with a wingman or wingmen.

Note – I’ll be setting you some homework later in the book to go out and do some approaches on your own through the day, but this is much more an exercise for growth and to teach you self-discipline than it is about actually meeting women on your own. It’s also to ensure that you’re able to actually approach on your own for those times that you may need it.

Why Wingmen Come In Handy

1. To Engage Other Girls In Groups

Women very rarely go out at night on their own, so it really helps to have someone that can come in and talk to the friend/friends of the girl that you’re talking to. This’ll enable you to have a more personal chat with the girl that you like. And of course, this means doing the same for him too.

2. To Motivate You

As I mentioned, for most guys, it’s more enjoyable to go out with someone else. And what you enjoy, you excel at. Having someone that you can chat to in between talking to women, and

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having someone to share stories and ideas with, will really help your state of mind. It’ll keep you out of the pits of excess thinking. Most guys will feel more motivated to try approaching in the presence of other guys who are also trying, as opposed to when they’re around other people who might consider approaching women weird (I’ll cover that later in the book).

3. To Solidify Your Sessions

Having someone to plan your nights out with will solidify your sessions. This means that you’ll be less inclined to bail out or to make excuses at the last minute like “I’m tired” or “I’ll go next week” You’ll rely on each other.

4. To Learn From

Different people learn different things at different times in different ways. So having some other guys there that you can check in with and share ideas with, means that you’ll learn from their successes and failures as well. This will give your own learnings much more depth.

Don’t Be Too Picky Finding Wings

There’s a notion in the self-help world that you need to be around people who are already great at something in order to get great at it yourself. I agree with this to some extent, but I think that it’s just as important to be around people that you enjoy being around.

When I first started looking for wingmen, I’d go out with anyone. I didn’t care about their age or their experience – to me, they were guys interested in the same thing as me, and that was enough. So don’t be too picky. Don’t waste months deciding who you’re perfectly matched with this person or that – this is just another excuse to not do anything. Just go out with whoever you’ve got to start with.

Again, don’t stress if you feel that you’d rather do this alone. I’m just saying that you’ll probably enjoy it more and feel more motivated to actually try approaching by having some other guys there who are trying also.

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Where To Find Wings

If you already have someone or some guys to go out with, fantastic. If not, that’s fine too. A lot of guys really struggle to approach around their ‘normal’ friends out of fear of being judged, which is understandable. If you can approach around these friends, awesome, but if you would prefer to not, then meeting a few new guys who are interested in this might be easier than you think. And also, some of my now best friends, I met this way many years ago, so you might be able to forge some great friendships and re-grow a social circle if this interests you.

I’d recommend joining a dating forum or group where men are interested in this. This could be a “Lair”, a dating or PUA Facebook group, a social group, singles/dating groups on Meetup.com, a personal development forum – anywhere where you can meet guys and discuss this topic, even if it’s just online. Honestly, you’ll likely meet some weirdos along the way too – this area does attract some ‘interesting’ people – but with some patience and persistence, you’ll also meet some really great guys.

Homework

1. Find 3 Wingmen

Type into Google your city (or your nearest city) along with the word “Lair”. If you’re lucky, this will take you to a pick-up artist forum. Now, don’t worry if the idea of “pick-up” doesn’t sit well with you. You’re not here to become some pick-up artist, you’re here to above all, potentially meet some cool guys to go out with. Try not to judge too much. As I mentioned, there are some really nice guys on these forums who are likely in the same boat as you.

If you live in a smaller country, you could also try putting in the country, and also replacing the word “Lair” with “pick up forum”, “PUA”, “dating”, “dating forum”, “social”, “social events”, “personal development”, etc.

For example:
▪ Sweden Lair
▪ Stockholm Lair
▪ Sweden pick up artists ▪ Stockholm social events

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▪ Sweden dating forum
▪ Stockholm personal development group

You could also try putting these terms into Facebook to see if there are any Facebook groups around you, or you could even start your own. Another option is to join Meetup.com and attending some events, especially singles or social events, where you’re actually going to try to meet cool guys that you can then go out with. Meetup is also great for building your social circle if this interests you.

So just find your nearest forum, group or club. Join and introduce yourself. People naturally seek value in partnerships, so be sure to highlight the good things about yourself, what you like, where you’re at on this journey, maybe even what could you help them with. Don’t brag in anyway, but also don’t just write “Anyone want to go out? Call me” In fact, even just being interested in the concept of going out to approach and meet women is admirable to other men, since most guys would never be able to do it.

If you’re already a member of one of these forums or groups and you’re still looking for wingmen, post again or private message people who’ve posted. If you still have no luck, just do whatever you can to find anyone in your area or online that is interested in going out to meet some women and in improving themselves.

Another option is to just meet guys when you’re out. Most single men are interested in improving in this area, even if they wouldn’t ever admit it. What single guy doesn’t want to be able to meet women? And again, the beauty of this is that men are typically so bad at meeting women, that even if you can just sort of approach, other men will likely think that you’re great at it.

Also, it’s important to get a few contacts, so that you can weed out the solid guys from the flaky guys. You don’t want to be wasting your time and energy chasing up unreliable guys or having guys flake on you at the last minute.

So I want you to have a couple of reliable wingmen who are interested in this and willing to come out. This could take time, but it’s worth it. And you’ll need them for upcoming homework exercises.

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Chapter 8: Designating Time & Planning Your

Outings.

I believe that it’s important to plan your time out ‘practicing’ approaching women. I really don’t want that to sound mechanical in any way, but something that I see a lot, is a guy getting excited about meeting women, thinking “I’ll do that! I’ll go out on the weekend and talk to some girls!” – but then come Friday 8 PM he starts to think “Ok, how do I do this? And with who? And where?” By 9:30 PM, his motivation is gone and he gives up on the idea.

And then there is the guy that is excited about his new dating knowledge, thinking “Yes, I’ll approach a cute woman when I see one next!” – but then when he does see a woman that he’d like to talk to, his emotions kick in, he freaks out and he bolts, thinking “Next time!”Then it happens again and again.

Yes, being able to approach and talk to women naturally as you go about your life is the ideal. But when you’re new, the reality is that you very likely just don’t have that option yet. Your emotions are stronger than your logic and your desires, and despite your best intentions, those emotions will kick in when you see an opportunity to talk to a girl, meaning that you’ll likely bolt out of there ASAP.

Even when you are experienced, you’ll still very likely feel this to some extent. I’ve met many experienced and confident guys, and even other coaches, who claimed that they talk to this girl and that girl, easily and effortlessly as they go about their lives, some even saying that approach anxiety is a myth … But then you go out with them and they don’t really do anything. What bothers me here is not what they do or don’t do, but the spreading of misinformation.

Being good with women is not something that you have to do ALL the time. You don’t always have to be on. In fact, people who are always on, and who can’t walk past an attractive girl without making a big deal about it, can be very annoying to be around. I generally suspect that this is overcompensation for a deeper fear. I personally feel that meeting women is something that you can choose to go out and do, when you want to. It’s a hat that you can put on, a role that you can step into, when the need/desire for it is there. If you’ve not met anyone for ages and you’re feeling that it’s time, then put aside time and go out with that specific goal in mind. If you’re in a good place, and you’re seeing a woman or some women, and have no real need or

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desire to meet anyone else, then you don’t have to still go out. I meet many guys who are paranoid about “losing the skills” that they push themselves to keep going out, even when they’ve met someone.

For all of these reasons, this is why I feel that designating time to go out to specifically approach is a much better approach than thinking about it constantly, and just hoping that it will happen organically and naturally.

Planning Night Sessions

When you set plans to go out, it’s much more likely to actually happen. Also, when it’s planned, you can get excited about it as time approaches and start to envision it in your head. So at least a few days in advance (let’s say mid-week) plan your weekend. It’s such a simple thing, but I find not a lot of beginners doing it. Organise someone to go out with, confirm a time and place to meet, and maybe even have a rough idea of venues that you’ll go to.

And your nights out don’t have to be all-nighters. A common misconception is that when you go out to bars to meet women, you have to stay out all night. You don’t. At least here in Melbourne, you can go out at 9 PM and be in bed by 1 AM (or even earlier), after having met a number of women and having gotten a few phone numbers from the good interactions.

If you are the all-night kind of guy, great. Or if you’re aiming more for sex that night, then yes, this will happen generally in the later hours (not always). Just don’t think that you have to throw out your whole weekend in order to improve at this area. Don’t let the fear of being sleep deprived the next day put you off going out. You can have plenty of interactions before even midnight in the right venues – a lot of people go out for after work drinks on a Friday, for instance – and even without drinking if you prefer not to.

Going out two nights a week when you’re starting out (Friday and Saturday) is probably the best, but if you can’t do that, try to commit to at least one. If you still can’t do that, then you need to go out often enough (I’ll cover going out at night much more in another chapter). Sure, it doesn’t have to be every weekend, however it needs to be consistent enough, or you just won’t see any results. It’d be like going to the gym here and there – you’re not going to see much improvement. Consistency is what’s most important here. You want to chip away week after week, or session after session, which will take work and persistence. You also need to find a way to make this somewhat enjoyable, so go to venues that you like, with guys that you like, at times that best suit you. This shouldn’t feel like you’re going to a job that you hate.

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Planning Day Sessions

I believe that it’s best to find a gap in your schedule in which you can go out and focus solely on talking to women. Or trying. This should be at a time where you don’t have anything else to do. Again, when you’re starting out, if you just go about your life thinking that you’ll be able to talk to the pretty lady when she happens to be standing next to you in the supermarket queue, the chances are very slim that you’ll be able to ‘just do it’ in that instant.

So again, treat this like the gym – something that requires some consistent effort, time and focus to improve in, at least initially, just until you get some ability. When you have no valid excuses, such as “I’m running late” or “I really need to get back to work” or “I’m just not feeling it right now”, then you’ll actually find approaching much easier because you’ll know that the common excuses (which I’ll cover in another chapter) will not hold water. You’ll still think ofexcuses to not approach – your comfort-seeking brain will throw all kinds of silly reasons at you – but you’ll be able to work through it easier if this is why you came out.

And no, you’re not disturbing people. As I’ll explain later, if you approach naturally, normally, respectfully, and you have some social etiquette in how you go about it, the women who don’t want to talk to you will politely decline you quickly, and the women who do want to talk to you will be wondering why more guys aren’t actually doing this.

So even if you put aside time to do just one approach after work one day, that’s still a great start. This is something that I used to do. I’d already done some day approaching by the time that I arrived in Melbourne, but it was nowhere near as consistent as my night sessions were (I was out every Friday and Saturday for years). So here and there, or sometimes for 30 days straight (as a personal challenge), I would pass through the city after work at 5:30 PM, and aim to do just one approach before going home. Sometimes it took me five minutes to get an approach done, other times it took me hours. Sometimes they were great responses, other times they were terrible. Some times I would go out with friends, most of the time I’d be alone. So you can do this alone if you like, or with someone else – what matters most is some form of consistency. Again, you don’t have to do this every day – in fact, I’d probably not recommend that as I see many guys burning out and hating it from doing it too much. But do what and when you can – once a week, twice a week, whatever. It also depends on if you prefer day or night – focus on what you enjoy.

As you progress, you’ll have to do this ‘designated time’ much less because you’ll then have some ability to do it more as you go about your life, and when it matters, but before you reach that point, you need to cultivate the ability.

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Balance It

I really want to stress that I’m not advocating turning this into some huge mission that you have to turn your life upside down for. I want you to have a good life that has women in it (or a woman), not for you to be some raging pick up artist trawling the streets. I’ve had clients become so obsessed with meeting women to the point where they completely neglected their lives. Don’t do this. In the times that you’re not out meeting women, work on your life overall. Work on your career, work on your health, work on your hobbies. Hell, even just chill out and do more of the things that you enjoy.Whatever makes you happy. Just meeting women will not make you happy. I learnt that the hard way after being obsessed with this for years. I found that it took me working on myself, my health, my life, my profession, my spirituality, etc. as well to give me much more satisfaction than just banging a lot of women. So having a good life in which you are also meeting women, I believe, is where you want to be.

All It Takes Is One

Remember – all it takes is one good girl to change your life. All it takes is one good interaction to change how you feel about approaching. All it takes is one good response from a woman for you to begin to feel that this is possible. All it takes is a few months of commitment to becoming a much better version of yourself.

Homework

1. Schedule Your Day Practice Times

Look at your schedule and plan a time that you can go out weekly for the next few weeks. Sometime through the day, on weekends, early evening if you work business hours, etc. Just be sure that you’ll have enough time. You don’t want to have to be thinking of something that you need to rush off to afterwards because that’ll become the perfect excuse in the back of your mind. You’ll know that if you just walk around for long enough, soon your time will be up and you’ll “have to go”. You’re likely going to need a lot of time, especially if you’ve not done this before. I’d suggest blocking out at least a couple of hours to be safe, because you’re very likely going to talk yourself out of a few opportunities before you manage to do one, if any at all.

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So find a time in your schedule and lock it in. Commit to it for the coming few weeks, at least. Soon your homework will be to go out and do some approaches during the day, which I’ll cover in much more detail in upcoming chapters.

Even if you just go out with the intention to try, but don’t actually do anything – that’s fine. In order to grow as a person and to get confident with women, you just have to try. Ultimately, nothing can replace experience – not books, not courses, not videos, not wishful thinking. This can all sound easy to some, until they actually try to do it and those emotions and insecurities kick in.

I would say just once a week at a minimum, but you can do more if you like. It depends on how much you want this, and how fast you want it. Basically, the more that you do, the better you will get. But don’t burn yourself out in the process. Again, you don’t want this to feel like you are dragging yourself to work.

2. Schedule Your Night Practice Times

Now I also want you to schedule a night on the weekends that you can go out. Aim for just once a weekend to start. This plus your day session will be two sessions a week of practicing, and if you do approach during them, accumulatively you’ll really start to feel some changes.

These nights out will not be normal nights of going out, standing around, drinking and chatting with friends – that will get you nothing. On these nights out, you’ll be approaching women, socialising, getting out of your comfort zone and getting rejected (embrace it – I’ll discuss it later). Ideally, you’ll be doing this with a guy or guys that are also doing this, or with people who are at least fine with you doing it. Again, I’ll cover night approaching in much more detail in later chapters, so all you need to do for now is look at your timetable for the next few weeks and schedule in some times.

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Section 3

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Chapter 9: Understanding The Path To Success.

In this chapter, I’m going to discuss fully what I’ve already mentioned briefly – that it’s critical for you to understand that there’ll be rises, falls and plateaus all through your journey. People generally think that success is linear, and that the more time that one puts in, the more success one will get out. In some areas, that may be the case. For example, if you play guitar for one hour a day, you’re going to progress gradually and obviously each day. But with approaching and meeting women, your results will go up, then down, then you’ll plateau for a while, then you’ll go down again, then up again, etc. because there are so many variables at play in this. Some of those variables are completely out of your control, such as the women that you’re talking to, and some of the variables are completely out of your awareness, such and your subconscious patterns. So you’ll have good days and bad days, good runs and bad runs, highs and lows. But what’s most important is that overall, overtime, your improvement is going up. When you look at your success just based on one particular day, it could be up, it could be down. You could be better or worse than yesterday or last week. But when you look at it in terms of months or years, it should have risen. You’ll should be in a better place than you were a couple of months ago (if you’ve taken action), even if you’re not getting tangible results yet – success in this is not always a date, it can be simply feeling better about yourself or having hope for the future. You simply cannot get into this and not learn anything about yourself.

So it’s essential to remember this because if you’re not properly prepared for those dips and plateaus, then you’ll be walking right towards confusion, frustration, self-doubt and you’ll maybe even quit, thinking that you “failed”. Many new guys think that they’re doing this or that incorrectly when really, “this or that” would make a minuscule difference – they’re on the right path and that’s what’s most important. As a friend of mine used to say to my clients – “Just keep approaching. The rest will work itself out”.

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See The Value In The Journey

There’s nothing that you can do to prevent these ups and downs, and as I’ve mentioned previously, there’s nothing that you’d want to do to skip them either. It’s the journey that’ll turn you into an incredibly strong, resilient and attractive person – that’s what’ll give you the ultimate satisfaction. If you stick at this for long enough, you’ll likely pop out on the other side a version of yourself that you can’t even imagine right now. Not everyone sure, but most. You won’t ever be or feel perfect, so don’t aim for that, but you’re going to be improved in so many ways, ironically because of all those stressful periods that you survived. It’s in the stressful periods that you take a step back, reflect on yourself and your life, and grow.

You need to let go of who you are now in order to become who you want to be. You can’t cling to your identity now and also want to be something else. Let yourself grow and evolve. That’ll likely involve some pain, frustration, confusion, and even some grief. The shit times NEED to happen, and you need to find the positive in it, the blessings that they can be – which you most often only can do in retrospect. As Steve Jobs said – “You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life”. It’ll be a little harder to see the positives when you’re in the middle of a meltdown, or when that girl you really like has stopped replying to you, but you need to develop the faith that Steve was talking about.

Remember that it’s darkest right before the dawn. It’s the revelations that you’ll have during the shit times that’ll propel you to the next level. Anyone can be happy in the good times, when things are going well, but it’s survival of the fittest to see who lasts the bad times. Every time you have a plateau, every time you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, know that another rise is coming soon if you persist. And if you can learn this in this one area of your life, then you can apply to it all areas of your life. For me personally, there is no way that I could have accomplished outside of dating, if I’d not developed the strength in myself through persisting in those tough times during the approaching journey. I’ve had people from my past say something like “What the hell happened to you?” – to which I think, “Well, I went out and approached thousands of women and pushed myself to grow confident”. And that helped me in so many other areas. No, you don’t have to go to the crazy extent that I did, but even just some experience – a few approaches – is enough to grow you a lot internally. This may sound juvenile to some who think “You’re just picking up women”, but the reality is that it’s so much more, and it’s why I am still coaching after all of these years.

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Have Fun, But Prepare For The Dips

I’m not trying to freak you here – I promise that we’re getting to the good/positive stuff soon. This should be after all, a very fun and rewarding path to embark on. You’ll have a lot of good times, especially once you start getting results, but you don’t need any reassurance of the good times. It’d be pointless for me to just write “You’re going to enjoy yourself! Have fun!” This chapter is just to reinforce the necessity of a strong mindset, in advance, for when things do get a little shaky – when your approaches are getting ignored, when you’re trying and getting nowhere, when your numbers are flaking, when a girl is drifting away from you, when you’re standing in a bar frozen with fear, when you’re debating why you’re even doing any of this, etc. If you can prepare for those times in advance, then your journey is going to be much smoother.

Homework

1. Gratitude List

Write out 50 things that you’re grateful for in your life right now. When we’re undertaking any journey of growth, or chasing any form of success, it becomes very easy to forget how amazing our lives already are, and how incredibly lucky we already are. And when we’re in those dips along the journey, we’re often so focused on what we don’t have, that our mood spirals down and down until we feel that we have nothing. I’ve seen men in Melbourne bars and supermarkets acting like their whole world is coming to an end because a girl blew them off. You live in Melbourne! I’ve seen men earning 6 figure incomes complaining that life isn’t fair because they couldn’t approach a woman.

I’m not here to tell you the same shit that you have heard a thousand times about gratitude. I’m not here to tell you to count your blessings and love the universe or any other spiritual bullshit. I just want you feeling good and getting what you want out of life – and being aware of what you already have in your life will help you to do that because what you’re focusing on, will dictate how you feel, and how you feel will dictate your outcomes. So if you’re focusing on loss, then you’ll attract more loss.

So write out these 50 things that you’re really happy about right now in your life. If you think that you can’t, your thinking is all kindsa fucked up. Just look around you right now. Office? Apartment? Food? Clothes? Weekend off work? Good salary? Good friend? Good health? Not getting kidnapped by rebels or dying of AIDS? I know that pain and pleasure are completely subjective, so I’m not saying that your pain isn’t valid because you’re not some starving African

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child. I’m just saying that if you’re reading this, you’re very likely definitely in a place in life where you have at least 50 things to be grateful for – so write them down.

2. Daily To-Do Lists

The aim of this book was to write and share what helped me personally. And something that helped me a great deal to get to where I am, and something that still helps me a lot every single day, is writing a daily to-do list. This is simply writing down a few things that you need to get done that day. I’m not talking about buying milk or doing washing, and I’m not talking about starting that business or moving house – I’m talking about replying to that email, writing a quick business plan, texting that girl, organising your room, writing that book chapter, booking in for that class, etc. I’m talking about small things that you can do to edge your life forward overtime. Don’t make the mistake of putting everything that you can think of on this list – just put the things that you want to do today, even if it’s just 2 or 3 things. It’s all about doing small things consistently.

How does this relate to dating? If you have more things going on in your life, you’ll deal with the ups and downs of the journey so much better. But most people aren’t taking any action because they don’t know what action to take, or they see the end goal, but not the individual steps to get there. A daily to-do list of small steps will help you do this. If you work business hours, write down 2 or 3 things that you can do each night after work. 2 or 3 things may not sound like a lot, but even just 3 things a night is 21 new things accomplished each week. That is a lot, especially when you consider that most people finish work and just watch TV all night, for years on end.

Again, what matters is consistency. If you do the things, awesome, but if not, just note them for the next day. Don’t stop entirely. There are 10+ things on my daily to-do list every single day. Sometimes I get through them all, sometimes I don’t (there is no better feeling than when I do). If I don’t, I simply carry the unaccomplished tasks over to my next day.

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Chapter 10: Meeting A Lot Of Women.

▪ “When the time is right, you’ll meet her”
▪ “Don’t go out looking for it, it’ll just happen” ▪ “Just be yourself”

You’ve probably heard these right? And while it’s true that many people obviously do just meet someone and then that’s it for them – dating is done – for many others this is simply not the case. And for others, they dated, it didn’t work out and now they find themselves in their 30s, 40s, 50s, with no idea on where or how to meet another woman.

There are many ways that I think society’s traditional dating paradigms could be updated, and one of those ways is the idea of it being ok – even beneficial – to go out and meet a lot of women (and also for women to meet a lot of men).

Meet Multiple Women

The first thing to consider, is how special is your girlfriend if she was the only option that you had? Now compare that to how special she is if you could meet a number of women, you had the ability tomeet a number of women, but you chose to start a relationship with her because she is the one that you wanted?

This is absolutely not always the case, of course – I know plenty of guys who met one great woman and they’re very happy together, which is awesome. But there’s no denying that there’s also quite a number of men dating women simply because they didn’t know how to meet anyone else. And I don’t think anyone wins in this situation – the guy or the girl.

The second thing to consider, is if you go out and approach ten women, generally half of them are going to have boyfriends. They might still be happy to chat with you, but nothing really is going to happen. Then two or three out of the ten won’t be interested in you (or you in them), but then two or three will. And that’s the general statistic for when you start to get good at meeting women, so when you’re starting out, it’ll likely be even lower than that. And then you

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also have to get through the texting stage, dating stage, the sexual stage, the relationship stage, where you might not be compatible on any of those levels, even if you did initially click.

What I’m trying to say here is that I think it’s beneficial to break away from this traditional notion of “I’ll go out and meet one woman and my dating will be done”. I really believe that in order to get good at this, and in order to get the best woman (or women) for you, and to get a relationship that’s based on choice rather than on settling, or even just to get the skills and dating lifestyle that you want – it’s important to meet a number of women, or at least be able to meet a number of women first. Focus on getting those skills up and developing that mindset.

The Main Reason Why Most Guys Fail

The first thing that I ask guys who aren’t having any success with women, is how often they’re going out with the intention to meet women. Most are not. Of the few who are, my next question is how many women they’re actually talking to when they do go out. Most might be talking to one or two.

Very few men go out with the specific purpose of improving in this area, and of the men who do, most simply don’t talk to enough women to see results. They might try a couple of approaches, but if those don’t go well, they get discouraged and don’t approach for the rest of the night (or for some, even the rest of their lives). Often I’ll meet a guy out in a bar that recognises me, and who is interested in this area, and he’ll tell me that he’s really struggling because his “body language is bad”, or his “conversation isn’t very interesting”, or he “must be approaching wrong”, or he “can’t escalate” – but the simple fact is that he’s not getting any results because he’s only doing one or two approaches when he goes out. That is the reason why he isn’t getting any success. It’s none of the reasons he thinks – all of those works themselves out with more experience, more approaches and more interactions. It’s that simple. But guys often don’t want to hear that. They want to hear that it’s some escalation trick or some magic conversation topic that they mustn’t be doing.

Personally, I get one or two approaches done generally within about fifteen minutes of being in a bar. I do this just to get me started, which I’ll discuss in another chapter. You have to commit to approaching a lot. To some people the idea of this being a numbers game is a very negative thing. “There’s no skill in it if it’s a numbers game!” they say. But these guys have typically consumed a bunch of dating/pick-up propaganda (books, videos, courses, etc.) and don’t have much actual experience. In their heads, they want to go out, see that one girl, strut over there, say the perfect thing, do the perfect move, and then walk away with a solid phone number.

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That’s perfect game to them. I guess it is perfect game … in an ideal world. But we don’t live in an ideal world. Reality is very different.

There is definitely a ‘numbers game’ element to this. Don’t let anyone fool you otherwise, especially people selling a service or product, or keyboard warriors with no real-world experience. As my friend says – “If you want to win the lotto, you need to buy more tickets” You’ll click with only a few of the girls that you talk to – that’s reality. Compatibility is key. It’d be the same if you were out trying to make friends with guys – some you would click with, others you would not. But for whatever reason, we don’t see that as ‘rejection’. People who fail to get good in this area, fail to understand (or accept) this concept. So it is a numbers game to some degree, but as you improve, your numbers improve also.

How Many Women Do I Need To Approach?

I’d say that you need to get about ten approaches on a night out. If you’re not hitting at least five, it’s unlikely that you’ll be getting much success, especially if you’re new. That can certainly change once you’re more confident and capable, where often two or three approaches a night is enough – because your success rate is higher, so one will work out well and you’ll spend more time talking to her. You also might already be seeing a woman, or a number of women, and don’t actually need to be meeting more.

Think of it like this – if you’re only going to have good interactions with (let’s say) a quarter of the women that you approach, then the math alone tells you that you need to be approaching a minimum of four. But since it doesn’t work in such a linear and consistent fashion, really you’ll need to meet at least six or seven (or more) in order to meet one or two that you do click with (and who are single). So if you want to be meeting a couple of potential dates each time that you go out, you need to hit those numbers. And for this, you obviously want to be going to bars that allow you to do this. You can’t go to your local pub where there are twenty people in the whole venue, you want larger venues with larger crowds. If you don’t have that in your area, just make do with what you have, or maybe even just focus on day approaching. Or move. I did.

On the flipside of all that – don’t get down on yourself if you can only manage one or two approaches. Hell, even if you only go out with the intention to approach, but don’t get anything done – that’s still an improvement if you’ve never done this before. Just note that at that low number, you might not see results anytime soon, so don’t get too discouraged. If your goal is just growth for now, and developing confidence, then whatever small goal you set for yourself is absolutely great. I’ve coached guys before who have never actually been to a bar before, and

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they were just happy to be there getting used to the environment. That for them was an accomplishment.

For day time approaches, I would say 3-4 approaches per session is a great number to aim for, however even just 1-2 is fine. All that you need to do is walk around areas where people are – shopping centres, parks, bookstores, supermarkets, beaches, etc. and look for good opportunities to start conversations (I’ll go through this later). And as I mentioned before, have some social intelligence here – don’t run after everyone just to get your numbers in, please!

Again, the more that you can do while learning, the better. I personally used to go out regularly and aim to do just one approach after work. Even just that consistently will get you going, and get you some results, eventually. Note though, that even though I was only doing 1-2 day approaches here and there at that stage, I was also approaching 20+ women in bars every weekend.

Don’t Make Assumptions Based On Little Experience

I really have to reinforce that you cannot go out, try this once or twice and make assumptions about how it is or isn’t working for you. You just don’t have enough experience to make any assumptions yet. When you’re starting, one or two interactions is a fantastic start. By doing just that, you’ve already done more than 95% of guys will ever do in their lives. But to become great, or to at least become good enough to get to wherever you want to be in this, you need to be hitting those numbers and getting a lot of experience. I’m sorry if this doesn’t sound nice and romantic, but it’s certainly the reality of what I’ve seen out there.

Homework

1. Visualisation

Now we’re going to add to your meditation practice. On top of the ten minutes of meditation that you’re doing (or should be doing), now when your alarm goes off, I want you to re-set it for another three minutes and spend it visualising.

If you’re unaware of what visualising is, it’s simply seeing something in your mind, living the experience in your mind, imagining it. If you’re unaware of the benefits and power of

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visualising, this is something that you should research yourself. It might be difficult to visualise if you’ve never done it before, but it’ll become much clearer and easier the more that you do it.

So, that end goal that you previously wrote out – where you want to end up after all this – for these three minutes, I want you to really imagine that situation. See the details of the experience in your mind, imagining that you’re already there now. What are you doing? What are you wearing? Who are you with? What do you feel? Sit with your eyes closed, your mind should be a bit more relaxed from the meditation, and then just run through this situation in your mind. Live it out in your mind for just three minutes, feeling that this is your future.

This is a great way to help bring about a goal. It’s something that I’ve used myself for many years. Some people believe that it “attracts” your goal, but personally I believe that it just helps direct your mind and conditions your subconscious. It helps you to see the opportunities and come up with ideas that you maybe didn’t before. Visualising will not automatically bring goals into your life – it’s not some woo-woo magic – but it will be a powerful contributor, if you do it consistently alongside taking action.

So now your daily practice will be ten minutes of meditation and three minutes of visualising. Again, commit to this to see results. You have thirteen minutes a day, and it’s very much worth it. Even if you don’t see or feel anything to start, just stick with it. Again, research the benefits and understand how it works, because the more that you understand it, the more inclined you will be to stick with it. And once things do start happening, and once you do start seeing results, then it’s much easier to keep doing it.

2. Affirmations

An affirmation is simply a sentence or quote that you can say to yourself repeatedly to help condition your mind. Like visualisation, if you’re not aware of the power of affirmations done consistently over time, go and look into it. No, they’re not a fix-all solution, there’s no secret universal powers to them (that we’re aware of), but I do believe that they’re very powerful contributors to success, if you use them consistently.

Part 1

Write an affirmation in your diary. It could be “I am successful with women. I now feel calm and confident around women” or “I have an amazing girlfriend that I love and adore” or “I’m now having great sex with women that I’m attracted to” or even just “Thank you for my ability to approach and talk with women” – whatever suits you. Put it in your own words.

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Now I want you to say this affirmation to yourself several times a day. Aloud is more powerful I believe, but in your mind is fine also. If you want to say it a few times in one sitting, that’s fine. If you want to say it throughout the day, that’s fine. Whichever works for you. Personally, I say mine aloud generally in between my morning sprints, and often sporadically through the day in my mind. Like the meditation and visualisation exercise, I suggest doing this for at least thirty days.

Ultimately, you very likely have a lot of negative shit in your head about yourself, women and dating, so it’s time to start putting in some positivity. It’s time to start re-conditioning your mind, and affirmations will really help with this.

Part 2

If talking to yourself and telling yourself that you’re awesome with women wasn’t weird enough, this next exercise certainly will be.

I simply want you to say to yourself, aloud ideally – “I love myself” Do it now. I’ll wait …
Now say “I love myself exactly as I am”
Repeat it again – “I love and accept myself exactly as I am!”

Now say it again, but with much more emotion – “I LOVE and ACCEPT myself EXACTLY as I am!”

How do you feel? If it feels ok for you, great. But if it feels bad or incongruent to you, then that might be telling you something. If you feel nothing, go stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say it.

It feels weird huh! But most people walk around doubting themselves and judging themselves all day. Some people legitimately hate themselves. We seem to never be enough for ourselves anymore. This guy is better looking than you, that guy is more successful than you, this guy gets women easily, that girl called you fat that time – and on and on. But if you get this sorted out, and learn to love, appreciate, accept yourself as you are – even just a little bit more – you’ll start to see a lot of shifts, both mentally and in your tangible world. This sounds lame, I know. But I really do believe that our lives are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves subconsciously.

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Chapter 11: Confidence, Courage & Congruence.

In my opinion, confidence is actually quite overrated. Everyone talks about confidence as though it’s the one magic key to success with women, and in life.

▪ “Just be confident”
▪ “Oh he’s so confident”
▪ “Women like confidence” ▪ “I’m just not confident”

When we think of confidence, we tend to think of a guy who just naturally wakes up with this certainty that he can do anything. But most often, that’s just not the case. The guys that are great with women, simply have more experience than you. For the most-part, that’s it. Sure, there are some guys who’ve just always been comfortable and confident around women. Something in their biology, or neurology, or upbringing, or a combination of the above – whatever it is, they never had any issues meeting and dating women. But they are few and far between. Most guys aren’t good with women (ironically, even if they’re dating one), and most of the guys who are good with women, had to get good. They weren’t born that way. And I’ve coached many guys who were exceptionally confident in other areas of their lives, but as soon as I asked them to go and talk to a woman, they crumbled. So even the confident guys, still have to develop confidence in this area.

Don’t Wait Until You Feel Confident

One of the biggest pieces of advice that I can give you, is to not wait until you feel confident to take action. Instead, choose to be congruent (i.e. be the real you) and courageous. Courage is just a decision to try, and that’s what it’s all about, that’s what will get you results. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s feeling the fear and still doing it anyway (as cliché as that is). Courage is deciding to still take steps forward, even just small steps, to get closer to what you want – even if you aren’t even sure where or what that is yet. Deciding to be courageous, and letting yourself be congruent, is what breeds real confidence. You can’t just decide one day to be

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confident. This is why “Just be confident” is useless dating advice. You can’t choose your emotions (for the most-part), but you can choose your actions. You can decide to be courageous and give that approach a shot. You can decide that the potential outcome is worth the effort and the pain. You can decide to try and try again, even if you don’t feelconfident in what you’re doing.

If you wait until you feel confident, you won’t get anything done. You likely won’t even get started. Confidence will come only after you’ve taken enough action that you get comfortable. You develop confidence through taking small steps consistently, through making repeated attempts.

Congruence – Being The Real You

‘Congruence’ is when you’re being real with yourself, and being real with the people that you’re interacting with. A very common issue that I see, is guys feeling the need to be high energy, or interesting, or cocky, or funny, or whatever, in order to attract women. They feel that they need to be something. But you don’t need to be anything other than you. You need to get comfortable with being the real you – the you who accepts and likes yourself, the you who is ok with the fact that some people might not like you, the you that knows that you have something to offer despite your flaws, the you who is willing to fuck up and be vulnerable. Despite all the bullshit dating advice out there, you can definitely get success with women by just being yourself. The women that are perfect for you, and the women that you’ll end up dating, will be very similar to you. They’ll resonate with you, they’ll respond well to you (when you find them), because you’re similar to them, you’re familiar with them, all on some deep level. In other words, they’re compatible with you.

Fake confidence is very see through and it’s a turn off. Women don’t want a guy putting on a show – it comes off as desperate, try-hard and untrustworthy. Trying to be someone that you’re not indicates to others right away that you have low self-value. And yes, they can tell. Trying to act confident, ironically, will make you appear unconfident. It’ll be clear to others that you don’t think that you’re enough as you are. And if you don’t think that you’re enough, is she going to? Remember, women are biologically wired to be attracted to men who are stronger and more secure than they are (which is what you’re aiming to develop in yourself), and men who can be themselves and be happy with themselves. So how she feels about you will largely be a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

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Low Self-Esteem

Yes, confidence is attractive – in both men and women – but when you’re starting out, having the courage to try to approach, and the willingness to just be yourself (whatever she thinks of that), I think are much more important than “confidence”. So don’t try to be something that you aren’t. Trust me, I’ve seen guys of every disposition get great girls – loud guys, quiet guys, outgoing guys, reserved guys, high energy guys, low energy guys, funny guys, serious guys. You might think that you’re too shy, or too nervous, or too boring – but all of that’s just stemming from an overall low self-esteem. It’s not that you’re not funny enough, or not that you’re not outgoing enough, it’s that you’re not feeling enough as you are, and that other people are better than you, and that their opinion of you is more important than it is. This general lack of self-esteem is what people are reacting to, WAY more than any of the stuff that you think they’re reacting to. I’ve seen it many times – a guy trying to be funny, cocky, aloof, high-value, etc. and getting nowhere. He doesn’t realise that he’s trying too hard to be something that he isn’t, and that’s repelling women. They’re know something isn’t right. They’re picking up on (and responding to) his own deep sense of low value. They’re just following his lead.

A lot of this is deep-seated in our subconscious – from past experiences and from childhood. All it maybe took to create these deep negative complexes in you, were a few instances where you didn’t feel that you were enough as a kid, or where you couldn’t live up to family expectations, or where you were really hurt after showing vulnerability, or you were picked on in school, or a girl told you that you were ugly, or an ex cheated on your – whatever. The emotional impact from these events, then continue to snowball into full-blown belief systems. As adults looking back, we often regard these past events as trivial and nothing to worry about, but as kids or when we’re in highly emotional states, these events and the feelings that go along with them can be hugely influential in shaping our personalities.

So while you’re trying to get better in the area of women and dating, try also to become aware of your inner ‘stuff’ – your demons, your insecurities, your emotional drivers. If you can deal with them, and come to peace with them, accepting them as a part of you, then everything around you and everyone around you (including your success with women), will begin to change seemingly automatically. I once coached a guy who had always struggled with women, and who had also always had an overbearing controlling mother. One night during the workshop, he decided to call his mother to really express his true feelings. A few weeks later, he had a girlfriend. I don’t think that was coincidence. Without looking inside to see what’s driving you emotionally, a lot of your attempts with women will just continue to get you no results. It’d be like walking around a desert, trying to find your way out, with a broken compass.

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Homework

1. Your Value & Attractiveness Concerns

Step 1

Write in your journal the top five reasons why you feel that a woman might not be attracted to or interested in you. These could be that you’re (or you think you’re) short, bald, old, unattractive, boring, shy, not cool enough, still live with your parents, broke – whatever.

Step 2

Now write out what experience/experiences these concerns may have come from. Did a girl once tell you that she doesn’t like short men? Did you get rejected once by a woman who said you were too old? Have you always felt that you are just not an interesting person? Do you feel that your conversation is boring because it looks like everyone else is having a better time than you? Maybe you’ll find that you just adopted the belief really without any real-world experience. Just write down why you think this about yourself, and what happened to make you arrive at that conclusion.

Step 3

Now look at the validity of each of these beliefs. How true and universal are they really? Are there no short guys out there dating beautiful women? Is there not an overweight guy out there having great sex with an attractive woman?

Yes, some of these are undeniable. For instance, yes, women generally prefer taller guys, as well as men with a healthy head of hair, and men with good incomes, etc. To deny this completely is just living in denial, which is not helpful. However, do all girls rule out a short guy? No. Do all girls rule out a guy because he’s bald? No, you can trust your bald author on that one. Do some women even prefer older guys? Or younger guys? Yes. Would some girls maybe even like that you have more free time than the average 9-5 corporate worker? Yes.

Just look at how truly valid and universal your concerns are. Maybe you think that you’re boring because one person told that you were. One person. This is definitely not a representation of all women. I see this a lot with my clients who have made assumptions about themselves, and formed entire belief networks, from ONE experience. One woman in the past may have asked

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how much money he earned and that morphed into all women being gold diggers. Or one girl in school laughed at him when he told her that he liked her, and now he thinks that you can’t show interest in a woman, or that he’s not attractive enough.

Note – it’s very important that you don’t use this as an excuse to not improve yourself. If you’re overweight, for instance, then get working on that (and not just to be better with women). I’m just saying to not be so harsh on yourself. Don’t let your concerns and insecurities stop you pursuing success in this area. Everyone has insecurities, everyone. But attitude trumps everything. There a so many guys who use these excuses to not even try – “I’m too this, I’m too that, women don’t like men who are this, women want men who are that” etc.

So really dig around in your mind and think about why you think this about yourself, where it came from, how valid is it, and if you’ll let it stop you.

Step 4

And now I want you to write out something that you have to balance out each of these concerns. For example, if you’re short, what do you have to balance that out? Maybe you have an awesome sense of humour, maybe you dress really well, maybe you’re killing it financially, maybe you have an awesome body.

The most obvious upside to me for all of these ‘shortcomings’ is that you’ll have to work harder. You work harder = you grow more = you become more awesome. But try to find counter arguments to your own concerns. What do you have going for you that can supersede the “issues” that you feel affect how women see you? Come up with at least one counter argument for each of your concerns. We tend to dwell so much on our negative traits that we overlook our positive traits. And especially in the face of ‘rejection’ we tend to automatically think that it was because of what we don’t like about ourselves, when it might not be that at all. If you’re sensitive about your ethnicity, and a girl rejects you – automatically you’ll likely think it’s about your ethnicity. But really it could have been any one of a variety of things. If a girl checks her phone during a conversation, and you’re sensitive about feeling boring, then you’ll automatically assume that she’s bored. Again, she could be checking any number of things. A girl once ‘rejected’ a client of mine, and as he was walking off, she mentioned that her grandfather had just died that morning. If she hadn’t mentioned that at the last second, he certainly would have felt that it was something to do with him.

So it’s time that you start paying more attention to your positive traits, and the positive things that you do have going on. What can you offer women? This is like your ammunition going into the dating world. You need to know what you have going for you. And you also need to make

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the decision as to whether you’re going to let your “negative” traits stop you from reaching success. For every single issue that you have, there are men out there with that exact issue, and who are still making it work. Some of the best guys that I know are short, or ethnic, or are living with their parents, or are bald, or live far from any city, etc. Every man is some woman’s type. I repeat – every single one of you, is some girl’s type.

2. Approaching Exercise – Make People Feel Good

Here is your first actual ‘approaching’ exercise. However, it’s not about picking up or getting a date, and it’s not about talking to cute women. In fact, it’s not even about you.

Something that I see way too often, is new guys out approaching women and thinking ‘me, me, me’ – “I want the approach to go well, I want the phone number, I want a date, I want sex”. It’s a very vulture like mentality. They’re thinking of only themselves and what they can get from people. And because of this, most never go well because people feel their neediness. So for your first approaches, I want you to make it entirely about other people. I want you to get into the habit of making other people feel good. If this sounds cliché – so be it. How I want you to do this, is by going out and complimenting five unattractive women. These can be older women, or just women that you’re not in any way attracted to. And I don’t want you to do this just as some requirement, I want you to legitimately get into it. Take the focus off you and your issues.

You can complement them on something that they’re wearing, something that you notice about them, something they’re doing – anything at all. Your mission here is to just make them smile/feel good. And if they don’t, that’s completely fine – that’s on them. They can be people that you walk past, people in the supermarket, people at a bus stop, wherever. “Excuse me, I just really wanted to say that I like your (whatever)” – that’s it (in your own words). You don’t need to stay and chat, you’re just giving someone an honest compliment. And please, don’t do weird creepy shit. This isn’t some game, this is about trying to make someone’s day a little brighter, and about you learning that your own issues aren’t really that bad. If you try your best and the women don’t react well, again, that’s fine.

Life is not all about you, and dating is certainly not all about you. Get some good karma under your belt (I think karma is bullshit, but you know what I mean). Ultimately, if you can’t make a person that you aren’t attracted to happy, then what makes you think that you can make someone that you are attracted to happy. If you can’t say hello and give a compliment to a sweet old lady that you need nothing from, what are the chances that you’ll be able to approach an attractive woman that you want to date?

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Section 4

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Chapter 12: Dealing With Approach Anxiety &

Common Excuses.

‘Approach anxiety’ is the anxiety that men feel about approaching women, and it’s probably the single biggest reason why many most men can’t meet the women that they want, and don’t have the dating skills or confidence that they’d like. I believe that it’s also one of the main reasons why some men settle in relationships that they perhaps don’t really want to be in. Why would you leave someone if you’re incapable of meeting anyone else?

Approach anxiety is actually a completely natural thing, so it’s very important to not feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling it. If you feel nervous about going to talk to a stranger – congratulations, you’re completely normal. I’d actually be more concerned if you didn’t feel any anxiety, because to me this would indicate that you’re probably out of touch with your emotions, or suppressing them.

Reframing Approach Anxiety To Be A Good Thing

You could even say that approach anxiety is a blessing. Why? Because in order to grow, you need resistance. Much like weights in a gym, approach anxiety is going to provide you with the resistance required to grow internally. It’ll be a major contributor in you becoming a more attractive, charismatic, successful and motivated guy. By learning to deal with the fear, by learning to push through the anxiety, you’ll grow immeasurable, not just with women, but in life.

So you want to reframe approach anxiety. By that, I mean that you need to give it a new definition – as something completely natural and normal, and something positive that offers you the opportunity to become a better you. It’s not some illness that afflicts you. There’s wrong with you, even if you feel that you alone are affected by it. Most guys see approach anxiety as this crippling burden, this evil curse that prevents them from getting what they want. But you need to see it more as a sparring partner. And if you don’t learn how to gain some

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control over your emotions, and learn how to make yourself do the things that you know you should do, then you’ll also likely stay in a job that you hate, put up with people treating you badly, won’t take risks in life, etc. Basically, you’ll potentially spend your life under the shadow of your own fears, unless you find a means to gain some control over them. And there’s no better way to gain that control in my opinion, than by learning to approach and speak with women.

The good news is that approach anxiety does reduce a LOT over time. The ‘bad’ news is that it only does so through real world experience (i.e. a lot of approaching). Don’t believe any bullshit miracle cures – there is one solution for overcoming it, and that’s gradual desensitisation. Don’t focus on ridding yourself of approach anxiety – it doesn’t ever go away completely – but it does reduce, and you learn to deal with what’s left much better. And you wouldn’t want it to completely go away. A world where dating isn’t a little bit scary and little bit nerve wracking, wouldn’t be very satisfying.

Condition Yourself To Feel Good For Just Trying

Take a moment to imagine that you’re out. It could be on the street or in a bar, and standing right next to you is a beautiful woman. Everything about her appeals to you. She’s just standing there, on her own, playing with her phone. She looks at you, you make brief eye contact, and you realise that it’s the perfect opportunity to say hello. But you walk away. On a scale of 1-10, how disappointed do you feel? It’d likely be quite high, yes? You have no idea who she is or who she could have been, and now you’ll never know. Maybe she was even standing right next to you for a reason – so that you might talk to her. But you’re probably more disappointed by the feeling that you don’t have control of your own destiny. You couldn’t do something that you really wanted to do. Fear stopped you. This isn’t about the girl, it’s about you.

Now imagine the exact same situation again. You see her in all of her beauty, but this time, you muster up the courage to talk to her. You say hello and ask how her day or night is going, but she completely ignores you. It’s nothing too bad, she just gives you a funny look, and goes back to her phone. You walk away, probably never seeing her again. How do you feel now? If your thinking in the right place, you should feel better in this last situation, even though you were ‘rejected’. The point that I’m trying to make is that even if an approach goes ‘badly’, or just doesn’t go anywhere, you can then walk away knowing that you stepped up to the plate. You might still be disappointed, but it’s a better disappointment than the disappointment of never doing anything. You did something that most men will go their whole lives without doing. And now you know that you don’t get along with her – you don’t have to wonder. From just that

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one approach, you’re a little stronger and a little better. You took a little more control of your life.

I really want to stress that you don’t need to approach every girl that you see. Really, please don’t. Have a life outside of this. Again, nothing is more annoying than a guy who just can’t turn ‘dating mode’ off. Nothing screams “insecure” and “overcompensation” more than a guy who just has to run after every woman that he sees. However, when you are out doing this, there’s no approach that you should regret, regardless of how it goes. You need to condition yourself to congratulate yourself for just trying. Let go of the outcome. After every approach, regardless of how it goes, you should take a moment to think “Ok, I just approached! Awesome. I stepped up. I’m one step further on my path. She wasn’t the girl for me, it’s nothing personal, no harm done, and now I’m stronger for it. I’m closer to my goal. Next!”

The Fear Of Rejection

The main two fears that I see in my clients around approaching, are the fear of rejection, and the fear of coming off as weird (to both the woman and people around them). We’re biologically wired to fear rejection and social shunning. We’re social creatures, so our brains have evolved to favour social approval for its survival benefits. So your fear of rejection isn’t irrational, it’s how your brain works. You’re normal. And on top of this, everyone is walking around thinking that everyone else is way more sorted out, and don’t have the insecurities that we do. So when we approach, we feel that we’re bothering this ‘perfect’ person and their ‘perfect’ life. We feel that this other person – who must be so much more ‘normal’ than we are – will look down at us and wonder why we’re so weird.

But women don’t make you feel weird, you allow yourself to feel weird. Ultimately, it’s you that’s making yourself feel bad. In the face of rejection, all of your insecurities will come flooding to the surface. Whatever it is that you don’t like about yourself, you’ll automatically think that you were because of that, even if in reality, the girl was just not up to chatting. And no, it’s probably not that you did the approach wrong. You need to get out of your head the idea that if you approach correctly, you’ll get the girl. You’re only ever responsible for 50% of any interaction. You need to learn to embrace rejection. Every guy that I know that is great with women, has actually had more rejections that a newbie could even fathom. I’ve had literally thousands of ‘rejections’ – it’s into 5 figures. Any guy that’s good at approaching and interacting with women, has simply tried a lot. He’s built up a skill set and a strong mindset, and has become much more immune to that sting of rejection.

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Michael Jordan has missed more shots than he’s made. Babe Ruth at one point held the record for home runs and strike outs at the same time. You simple NEED to see these “failures” as inevitable and an integral part of the journey. Don’t see it as rejection, see it as just incompatibility. When you realise that at this very moment, there are millions of women in the world going to bed tonight wondering why they can’t meet a cool guy, this all starts to get much easier. Most guys suck at dating. That’s just the honest truth. They have no idea about women or attraction or approaching or seduction or connection or conversation, and they’d never dream of buying a book to this topic (so go you). So women are suffering too. There are women at parties right now without a date. There are women masturbating right now, wishing that it was a great guy’s hand. There are women literally crying because they think they’ll never meet anyone. I know many lovely, beautiful and successful women who just can’t find a good guy. They hear about what I get my clients to do and say to me “Send them my way!” or “Why doesn’t this happen to me?” So by not talking to her, you’re not only denying yourself of growth and a potentially amazing partner, but you might also be denying her. There are women out there waiting for you to approach. Some certainly aren’t – some don’t want to meet you at all – but some certainly do. And you don’t know who is who until you try.

Excuses For Not Approaching

So let’s tackle some common excuses for not approaching. Now, it’s very important to note here (again), that you don’t have to approach every girl. Often when guys start out in this, they work themselves up over any attractive girl that walks past. Just relax. There’s no rush. You don’t have to approach every girl and you don’t have to take every opportunity’. In fact, you won’t even go after most of the women that you see. That’s called being normal. You’ll notice them, admire them, maybe think about approaching them, but then you’ll just get on with your day. But when you do go out to specifically practice this, then your mind will find ANY reason to not approach – even reasons that don’t make sense. Your mind will justify your fear with any reason that it can find.

Here are some of the most common excuses that I hear as a coach. Please write each of these in your journal. Also, please note that for all of these excuses (general, night and day), I’m referring more to when you’re out practicing this, or when the situation arises in your life. I’m not talking about when you’re just going about your life. Not talking to a woman is not a problem – have a life – and nor is it an “excuse”. I pass many lovely women that I don’t talk to every day. Needing to talk to everyone is an impossible standard to set for yourself, and it always makes you pretty annoying. Again, I just meet some men who get involved in this and suddenly they can’t walk past a cute woman without feeling that they must approach her.

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Again, have some social intelligence and make meeting women a part of your life, not your whole life. But if the opportunity is there, or you’re out to trying to get up some experience, then these excuses are likely the ones that will come up.

General Excuses

1. “I’ll do the next one”

This comes up when you see a woman that you’d really like to talk to, or when you realise that it’s a good opportunity to have a chat with someone, but you tell yourself (or whoever you’re out with) that you’ll “do the next one”.

Look, that is actually ok. It’s fine to wait it out. As I mentioned before, you don’t have to run after everything you see. However, if you’re out doing this specifically, you need to know that you’ll very likely not do the next one. You’ll feel exactly the same as soon when the next one comes along, so sometimes it’s better to just get that first one done then and there, out of the way.

2. “This is just not for me”

This is a very common one for new guys. They get excited about the idea of being good with women, but when it comes time to get out there and do it, they start to doubt themselves.

▪ “Is this really for me?”
▪ “Am I really that kind of guy?”
▪ “Do I really have to go about it this way?”

This is the old you resisting change. It’s your old identity/ego trying to pull you back into familiarity (i.e. your comfort zone). Your mind/brain doesn’t actually want you to grow, it wants you to be comfortable and to survive. To the brain, stress means danger.

But even if something doesn’t feel very “you” – that doesn’t mean that it’s bad for you. Ironically, the less that it does feels like “you”, the more you probably need it. For example, consider an obese person who thinks that exercise isn’t really “for them”. It’s actually exactly what they need. The first time you got on a bike it wasn’t really “you” either. You probably

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wobbled around, fell off and hated it at times. And if doing “you” isn’t getting you what you want out of life, then it is time for something different.

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3. “She’ll reject me”

Yes, she might, that’s always a possibility, but you need to change your view of rejection. Remember, rejection is for the most-part simply incompatibility. We’re all compatible with some people and not with others. You’re some women’s type, and not others. Forget the idea of winning everyone over because it will never happen. In fact, you won’t even click with the majority of women that you meet. It will be a small fraction. That’s what makes the ones that you do click with so awesome and special. There’s no such thing as ‘perfect game’. Sometimes it’ll work, other times it won’t. And that never changes regardless of how good you get. You’re doing all of this for the girls that you do click with. So you’re just going to have to toughen up and deal with some rejection, princess! It only hurts as much as you dislike yourself. And it only hurts to the degree that you allow yourself to be hurt by it. And more, rejection is your greatest teacher. It teaches you to be self-validating and to be able to self-generate good emotions, which is a great life lesson. Rejection literally grows you into a much stronger person.

4. “She’ll think I’m weird”

Yes, she might. So? It’s actually much more likely that YOU are feeling weird about this, and you’re projecting your feelings onto others, assuming that they’ll feel the same.

Even if she does think you’re weird – again, so? What’s so special about being normal? Why do you want to be normal? Who even dictates what is normal? Normal by its very definition is average. So fuck normal. Some women will find you weird. But some of the coolest people in history were also considered pretty weird. The best guys with women all have a few good stories of weirding women out. I once said to a girl on the street “Excuse me … hi how are you?” with a warm smile. Her response to just that was (loudly) “You’re a fucking creep! You’ve approached me, you’ve approached my friend, there is a whole conspiracy about you at my work” Not only was that in the middle of Melbourne’s busiest street, it was also a demonstration approach for a client. That’s an extreme example (but a good story). Again, when you approach normally, naturally, friendly, most women will appreciate the approach, even if they aren’t interested. But you are always going to run into a couple who will consider you weird. That’s fine. If you feel good about yourself, and you know that you approached with decent intentions, then you’ll survive.

How much will you care about these people’s opinion of you when you’re dating an awesome, beautiful woman? Or when you are living an awesome, inspiring life? Or when you are the most confident person at the party? Or having great casual sex? People think that you are weird until you make it work – then you become cool. When I started on my path of personal development

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and I was approaching a lot of women (badly), some people definitely thought I was weird.But years later when they saw me on TV or heard me on the radio or even just saw me dating a beautiful girl, the very thing that they had once considered weird about me, now made me interesting (and motivating to some of them).

Common Night Excuses

Here are some common excuses that are more likely to pop up at night.

1. “They’re talking”

Yes, you’re in a bar – people talk in bars. This is not a reason to not approach. You need to remember that women go to bars to meet men. Not all women, of course, but some women. I would even say most women. And do you think that a woman wants to date a man who doesn’t have the balls to say hello to her because she is talking with a friend?

Now, importantly – don’t be a social retard here. Don’t go busting in on an obviously private conversation. You need some social intelligence here. But most of the time, if they’re just talking, that’s fine. Even if you excuse yourself or apologise for interrupting – “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, I just had to come and say (whatever)” And no, this is not “weak” or “beta”, it’s having social intelligence and being respectful.

2. “I’ll get a drink first”

This is a very common one. Again, you’re just delaying the inevitable. One thing that I encourage newbies to do, is to do a quick approach before they get a drink. Even if it’s just a quick warm up approach that lasts 10 seconds. Then you can relax a bit, enjoy your drink, knowing that you’ve started. It’s not essential to start approaching before you get a drink – I often start my nights by grabbing a drink – but if you’ve never approached before, waiting to get a drink, or waiting to get drunk, will most of the time backfire.

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3. “I’m just not feeling it tonight”

Yes, because you’re not warmed up yet (I will discuss this concept later). Before you get into the swing of things, it can seem like you’ll never get there. This is completely normal. Sure, sometimes you’ll just have rough nights, but when you’re learning and new at this, feeling cold and “not into it” is very likely just because you’ve not spoken to anyone yet.

How you feel before you get started is incredibly different to how you feel once you’ve pushed yourself to do a couple of approaches and had a couple of interactions (even if they go badly). But most guys just believe that they’re “not feeling it tonight” and don’t push themselves out of it. They don’t know what’s on the other side.

Common Day Excuses

And here are some common daytime excuses.

1. “Approaching during the day is weird”

Is it really? Or are you justifying your fear again? Myself, my clients and thousands of men worldwide have met many amazing women during the day. Again, who defines what is weird? And why do you even care? Again, fuck normal – you can do better than normal. Be weird. Embrace it. People do meet through the day, even ‘normal’ people. I was talking to someone recently who met her partner at some traffic lights. He wasn’t a ‘pickup guy’, they just started a conversation. Think about this – what makes a better story to tell her friends (which she will) – that she met you in a bar, or that you boldly approached her on the street? That she met you online, or that you randomly got chatting with her in the supermarket?

Approaching women during the day certainly is unusual, but that’s very different to weird. It’s unusual simply because most men can’t do it, so it doesn’t happen that much (at least here in Australia – it’s not too abnormal in some European countries). In fact, if you are paranoid about being weird, that can work for you because you’ll show extra social intelligence and awareness, as opposed to the annoying guy who thinks that he can just approach anyone anywhere anytime.

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2. “She is too far away now”

This is a common excuse when a guy walks past a girl, he turns to approach her, but then stands there debating it as she gets further and further away. He knows that if he waits long enough, he can then use this excuse.

Just catch up with her. I don’t mean to run up to her and startle her, I mean to just fill in the gap between you and her quickly, slow down when you come close to her, and then approaching her as normal (explained later).

3. “I feel like I’m stalking her”

This is probably much more in your head (if you are indeed a reasonably socially intelligent person, which I like to think is most of you reading). You don’t see the world as it is, you see it as you are. Or in this case, how you feel. So if you feel stalkerish, then you’ll see the situation as stalkerish. But that’s subjective, not objective. How you feel is not reality.

This is something that I see a lot in clients – I’ll point out a girl who I think they could start an interaction with, they’ll think about it for a minute, before telling me that they feel like they’re stalking the girl. But the girl doesn’t even know that they’re there. People are so consumed with what is going in their own heads. She is thinking about her work, or buying milk, or some problem that she’s having with her friend, etc. She’s not thinking about you. It seems to you like your approach will be a big deal in her world, because it is in yours.

I’m obviously not saying to stalk people, I’m just saying that if you want to go and say hello to someone, walking over and doing so is not stalking them. She very likely hasn’t even noticed you until you say “Excuse me …”. Then if the approach works out, great. But if it doesn’t, walk off. It’s when you don’t walk off after she’s given you signs that she doesn’t want to talk, that you do become a stalker. So don’t do that.

4. “I’ve left it too late now”

How is the opportunity different now to how it was five minutes ago? Nothing has changed. This is one of the oddest excuses that I hear, but I hear it often. A guy will look at a girl for a few minutes, trying to work himself up to go and approach her, she’ll not have moved at all in that time, the situation will have not changed at all, and he’ll say “I’ve left it too long now” This makes no sense at all. But that’s the thing – most of these excuses make no sense. So you need

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to start applying logical thinking to your automatic emotional reactions. That is how you start to work through the anxiety.

This excuse is often coupled with “I’ll do the next one”

5. “She has seen me”

She very likely hasn’t. It’s much more likely that you’re just paranoid. Again, people are so consumed with what’s in their heads that they generally don’t care about you, or even notice you. I’ve tested my clients on this before, asking them to look me in the eye in the middle of a busy street, not look around, and tell me anything about anyone that’s around. Very rarely can they tell me anything.

And if she has seen you – so? How is that a bad thing? It actually turns a cold approach into a warm approach. In fact, if there’s a girl that I want to approach on the street or in a store for instance, I actually try to catch her eye. I try to get her to see me. If she’s walking past, I look at her as she is passing, or if she’s in the supermarket I’ll often wander past a couple of times. That one second glance that she may give me then makes my approach that little bit easier and that little bit more natural.

Contrary to conventional belief, getting eye contact is absolutely not necessary in order to approach a woman. I’ve met so many men in bars waiting around for women to notice them, that they wait all night, week after week, and nothing happens. If you wait for eye contact from every girl that you want to meet, you’ll be waiting a long while. Also, that leaves you still choosing from only the women that have looked at you and given you a sign, which is not real freedom of choice. However, when it does happen, eye contact prior to an approach does help.

6. “She knows what I’m doing”

What, she knows that you read a book about meeting women and now you’re out trying to put it into place? The chances of that are slim. And again, even if she does know – so? You’re a man who likes a woman – it’s the most normal, natural thing in the world. So start owning it. It’s ok. The more comfortable that you are with being interested in women, the more comfortable women will be around you. I see distinct differences in the success achieved by guys who never want anyone to know that they’re out meeting women (or god forbid being coached), and the guys who don’t mind people knowing what they’re doing. The latter guys always go better because they aren’t ashamed of it.

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She probably knows that you’re interested anyway. Any reasonably socially savvy woman knows that a man talking to her equals a man interested in her. So the sooner that you do something about it, generally the better. One way that you certainly will creep a woman out, is by repeatedly looking at her, being near her, orbiting around her, and not actually saying or doing anything.

Note – Having said that, don’t tell girls that you’re out approaching. I see guys doing this surprisingly often enough. A guy will be in an interaction, the girl will ask what he’s up to for the day, and he’ll tell her that he’s out approaching women. I can never for the life of me figure out why guys feel that this is a good idea. Firstly – you sound like a predator. Even though you are out approaching, a woman doesn’t really understand that you’re doing it for growth and confidence. She just thinks that you’re out to fuck anyone who says “yes”. Secondly – a woman wants to be approached spontaneously by the guy who just had to come and talk to her, not by the weird pick-up guy who has already approached twenty women that day.

Homework

1. Dealing With Your Excuses

Step 1

In your journal, write down 3 excuses that you expect will come up for you personally when you’re out there trying to approach during the day (streets, supermarkets, parks, etc.). Then also write down 3 excuses that may arise when you’re out at night (bars, social events, etc.).

So imagine yourself in both a day and a night situation, and a good opportunity arises, i.e. there’s a lovely looking woman right in front of you. Now think of the excuses that are most likely to pop into your head. Everyone feels slightly differently in these situations, and everyone has different emotional drivers, so the excuses will be slightly different for everyone. Try to pre- empt what may pop into your head as a reason to not do it.

Step 2

Now write down the logic (or lack of logic) behind those excuses, as well as a counter argument that you can tell yourself. It won’t be this simple when you’re actually in the situation, but starting to condition your mind to think like this will really start to help you work through it.

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An example might be …

Day excuse – “Everyone will see me approach her and it’ll be embarrassing if it doesn’t go well”

Logic – “Is everyone actually watching me? Probably not. Do they really care that much about what I’m doing or are they more involved in their own lives? And if they do happen to see me, would they perhaps just think that this is someone that I know? Will I ever see these people again? What’s the worst thing that realistically could happen to me? They might giggle quietly at me for a moment, and then just get on with their lives. Can I handle that? What is more important to me right now in my life – the opinion of strangers, or me moving towards my goal? Would any of them approach a woman that they were attracted to? Are they maybe even watching and admiring my confidence?”

Another example …
Night excuse – “She is talking with a friend and I don’t want to interrupt. They might be talking

about something important”

Logic – “She’s talking with a friend, but really, what else would she be doing? She isn’t going to stand in a bar all night and not talk to anyone. Maybe she’s come out to meet guys. Is she wearing a wedding ring? Maybe right now she’s talking with her friend about her ex, or about always being single. Maybe she’s just a super happy girl who loves to talk and would be just as happy to talk to me too”

So really consider the rationale behind the excuses that you anticipate might arise in your mind when you’re out trying to meet women, and then try to give yourself something to counterbalance those excuses. Again, it won’t be this easy when you’re out there, but I want you to start conditioning your mind to think like this.

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Chapter 13: Warming Up & Why Most Men Can’t

Approach.

When you first walk into a venue, or onto the streets, or wherever you go to practice approaching women and starting conversations – you’ll likely feel cold, unsocial, and this will be hard. Very hard if you’re completely inexperienced. You’ll feel a lot of pressure, and that pressure can consume some guys. They go out with the best intentions, but then proceed to sink further and further into their heads, getting more and more paralysed. Anyone who’s experienced in this, knows all too well that that first approach is always the hardest.

Warming Up

One of the most important things that you’ll learn on this path is to be more in control your own emotional state. And an effective way to do this here is by warming up. Yes, warming up. That’s to say, I want you to consider your first couple of approaches of any session – day or night – to just be warm ups. They don’t count for anything. Their only purpose is to get you going, to get you into a chatty, flowing state, and to get you over that initial speed bump. When you essentially force yourself to chat to one or two people, even just briefly, there are changes, both physiological and psychological, that take place. There’ll be a release of some of the tension and pressure, and you’ll start to feel more comfortable and enthusiastic about talking to people. You’ll feel that little bit more confident. This doesn’t apply to everyone – some guys find it incredibly easy to socialise and to get going from the start, but others (most), find it tough to get started. And some loosen up after one or two approaches, for others it takes longer. Ironically, even if these warm up approaches go badly, they generally have the same positive result. And once you’re warmed up and are in this more comfortable state, approaching women and having better, longer conversations, will be much easier.

As you get more advanced, this won’t apply to you anywhere near as much. You won’t have to be always be chasing this ‘state’ nor will you have to warm up in order to talk to a woman. You’ll have done it enough in the past to be more confident with it, and you’ll naturally be more in control of your emotional state. But when you’re new and inexperienced, and especially if you already struggle socially, this will be absolutely essential.

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These warm up approaches can be very short. They can be only one line if you like – a comment, a compliment, a question, whatever – and you have no expectation from them. You don’t want or need any outcome, you’re just asking how someone’s night is going at the bar, or what they’re drinking, or asking a simple question during the day, and then generally leaving. You’re just getting over that initial speed-bump. You might not even be interested in the girl or the group. It’s perfectly ok to warm up by chatting with women just because they’re there, even if you aren’t attracted to them. A lot of new guys only want to talk to the attractive women. They get their egos involved and they don’t see any value in just chatting with anyone at the start. For this reason alone, they tend to stay in an unsocial state of mind all night, and don’t get anywhere.

Examples of Warm Up Approaches

At night, this can be simply saying “Hi how are you?” to the woman standing next to you at the bar. It could be holding your drink up and saying “Cheers” to someone walking past. It could be asking if someone is there for the same event as you. It could be approaching a couple of women with “Hi guys, how’s it going over here”, asking how their night is going, before saying “Great stuff. Have a good night!” My first interaction of this past weekend was started with simply “You look warm” to a girl standing next to me at the bar, wearing a fur vest. Remember, you don’t need a reason to talk to women in bars, it’s socially acceptable and normal to just approach and start a conversation. That’s the beauty of bars, you can literally walk up to a group and say “Hi, I just wanted to come and say hello. How’s it going?”

Through the day, I see some guys warming up by asking directions or asking the time, but personally I wouldn’t recommend this (who asks for the time in 2017?). Nor would I consider talking to women working in stores as good warm ups. Some people would disagree with me on that, which is understandable, but I believe that even warm ups need to be a little tough – that’s what’ll give you that nice little burst of energy afterwards. I consider directions/time/women working in stores to be just too easy and lacking in any real intention. Some people find them helpful – great. If that works for you, do it. But I feel that you’ll need something resembling an actual approach in order to get you over that speed bump of hesitation. Chatting to the lady at the counter of the supermarket, although it’s lovely to do, just isn’t going to push you enough in my opinion and won’t kick you out of a flat state. It’s too safe, too easy. Through the day, I would look to do more observations, comments, compliments, direct approaches, all of which I’ll cover in upcoming chapters.

Obviously if a warm up goes really well, don’t leave. But the point of a warm up approach (I actually hate that term, it’s killing me to write it repeatedly, but it gets the point across), is that

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there’s no pressure on you to do anything. The thing is that most guys actually don’t have as much anxiety about the approach as they do about what comes after the approach. Most guys are more worried about what to say after the opener, than the open itself – “What is the approach goes well … THEN what do I say!?” This little exercise of warming up can help you get over this by focusing on just the approach, just the opening line, just that first little first step, and not what comes after it because you can leave immediately if you want to. The idea is to take all the pressure off what comes next. You go in knowing what you’re going to say to start, you say it, and then you can just bail out. There are no expectations, you need nothing from them. I personally would recommend even expecting them to go pretty roughly. Just go in knowing that you will likely get blown out and be ok with this (making it ironically less likely to happen).

Most Guys Don’t Understand This Concept

I really believe that the main reason why 90% of the guys that you see out in bars are inevitably just standing around not talking to any women, is because they don’t understand this fundamental concept of starting small and getting the ball rolling (i.e. warming up). Most guys can’t let their ego go, so they stand around all night waiting for that one hot girl to come, and then when she does, they can’t approach her because they’re still in a cold, non-social state of mind. They can’t go from 0 to 100 when it matters. Again, more experienced/confident men can absolutely walk into a bar and approach the women that they want to and be in a good state from the get-go. That’s the ideal place to get to, but it’s just not a reality for most new guys.

Be Ok With Starting Small

So step one of any session is to warm up. Very often guys mistake not being able to approach with simply not being warmed up. If you’re wandering around unable to approach or talk to anyone, find something that you can do. Find the smallest, easiest of approaches. Nothing is too small when you’re in a cold, negative, afraid state of mind. This is how you get started. It’s a decision that you make before you head out – that one of the first opportunities that you see to talk to someone, you will. I’m not saying to desperately run after the first woman that you see, I’m just saying that something like “Excuse me … I just wanted to say that I love your hat” (or whatever) is not below you when you’re starting out. I don’t care if it’s the crappiest approach

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imaginable, I don’t care if it’s with a woman that you would never date – just do it, and then be proud of your small step.

I couldn’t count the amount of times I’ve seen a guy out who is super stressed because he can’t approach – “I’m just not feeling it tonight” – so I help him find a woman or group that is easy to get started with, he goes in with a simple compliment or question, and then returns with a completely different energy. All (or a lot) of the stress has melted away. Sometimes it takes just one approach, sometimes it takes a few, but again, any ‘failure’ is getting you closer to success, while teaching you so much about yourself and your emotions in the process.

So don’t wait all day or all night for the perfect girl or the perfect opportunity to present itself. Don’t look at a girl and debate if you will or won’t talk to her based on if you’d date her or not. Discipline yourself to push through your own bullshit. Everyone wins here – you and the girl. You’re here to do things differently to how you usually do them. I know that some of you reading might be already thinking “What the hell kinda world have I entered? This isn’t me!” – but you may have to be open to doing things that don’t feel very ‘you’ if you’re sick of what you’re getting (or not getting). You must be ok with potentially messing up approaches, you must be ok with failure, you must be ok with a couple women potentially thinking that you’re weird. Again, if you think highly enough of yourself, this won’t bother you. Also, you must be ok with this not being all about you. Good game and being good with women is not just all about you getting dates and sex – it’s also about contribution and making others feel good too, which is why I hope that you did (or intend to do) the homework from the last chapter.

Homework

1. Imagine No Date Ever Again

Take a moment now to imagine that your dating life stays exactly as it is right now, for the rest of your life. Imagine that nothing changes and nothing improves. You stay exactly as you are now, with exactly what you have or don’t have, until the day you die. The same amount of dates, sex, women, connection, confidence – forever.

Now, I want you to come to terms with this future. I want you to come to peace with it. I want you to ask yourself how you’d find happiness in this hypothetical future, if it did happen. I feel that this can be an incredibly powerful exercise. We can get so addicted to a future that we make up in our heads, a future that we’re aspiring to, working towards, a future that we think will be better. And sometimes we want and chase that so much that we actually strangle our progress, and prevent what we want from coming to us. Or when it does arrive, perhaps it’s not

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in the exact form that we’d imagined, so we miss it because we have horse-blinkers on, pointing at this specific ideal future.

Sometimes in order to get more positive results, you just need to just let go and accept life as it is. In my coaching, I’ve seen many men and women who want a girlfriend, boyfriend, love, sex, validation, marriage, etc. so badly that they just don’t allow it to come to them. Often the lessons are right there in front of them, but are missed, because he/she is so focusing on getting exactly what they want, when they want, and exactly how they want it.

So really take a minute to think about this. Even note down something in your journal if you like. How would you live? How would you find happiness if your situation never changed or improved? How could you still enjoy life without finding that wife? Take it to the extreme and imagine that you’ll never have sex or a date ever again – how would you find peace within that? What would make you happy? What would your life have to look like?

A popular self-help idea is to imagine a shitty future and use that as leverage to take action now. If that works for you, great, but personally I think that it’s much more powerful to come to complete peace with the worst case scenario possible. That’s true freedom in my opinion. And then any action coming from a place of pure acceptance is going to be much more powerful. Like I said previously, the hardest guys to coach and the ones who struggle the most are the ones who are obsessed with being “fixed” or “getting there” right now.

If you’re thinking “It would completely suck and life would not be worth living!” then I’m concerned for how well you’ll do in this. I feel that a better answer would be something like “Yes, it really would suck. But I live in a great city, and I do like my job. I could still work on my health and my financial freedom. I could maybe travel the world. I’d hate not being able to share that with someone, but I think that I could still find peace and happiness in life itself, even if I didn’t have a partner or dates or sex”

You can use this on whatever goal you are working on – just imagine a life without the thing that you really want, and find peace within that. Then come back to reality and continue working your arse off for it.

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Chapter 14: Dealing With Rejection & Knowing Your

Value.

It’s actually somewhat hard to believe in the traditional concept of ‘rejection’ when you’ve been out there approaching and interacting with women for a long while. This is not just because you’ve gotten good and are getting better results, but also because you’ve developed a better understanding of yourself, your value, and how completely random human interaction and connection is. You’ll have a great interaction with one women, and then 20 minutes later you’ll get blown off by another. It actually becomes somewhat amusing. When you’re self- validated enough, and you’ve tasted some success, a girl “rejecting” you really does feel like as much her loss as yours, if not more.

Rejection Is Just Incompatibility

As I mentioned in the last chapter, I believe that what we call ‘rejection’ is nothing more than incompatibility. I know that I may be repeating myself on some of this mindset stuff but I assure you – this is the true magic. Not the lines, not the approach, not even the women – it’s how you think. And it’s why most guys fail.

If I approach a woman and I’m ‘rejected’, I know that it’s really nothing too personal and nothing to be taken to heart. I know that I’m a funny, intelligent, motivated, attractive, successful guy who lives an interesting life and dates great women. I honestly do feel that any girl is lucky to spend some time with me, including the one who just rejected me. I don’t consider that arrogance – you should feel that as well – that’s just having a healthy self-esteem. If I’m rejected, it’s simply that she has a partner, the timing is off, she’s having a bad day, I’m having a bad day, I’m not her type, she’s not my type, she didn’t like my approach, she didn’t find me attractive, etc. but more than anything, it’s the fact that we simply weren’t compatible. By that, I mean that we all have some people who are on our wavelength, and others who aren’t. Some people are similar to us, familiar to us – we just click with them – and others we don’t. And we recognise whether we do or not very quickly, largely on a subconscious level. We feel it. I’m sure that you’ve looked at someone from across a room and despite their looks, there was something about them that you just liked, or didn’t like. Yes, appearance plays a

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large part in attraction, but our overall ‘type’ is also hugely influenced by our upbringing, our genetics, our immune system, our past experiences, our culture, our parents, etc. (i.e. subconscious stuff), and it’s all of this which is determining your type – and the girl’s type – more than anything.

Have you ever noticed that you tend to attract similar types of people, and are attracted to similar types of people, over and over again? I believe that this is why. Like attracts like. Water finds its own level. There’s something deep in you that is attracted to a type of woman, and it’s the same for women. You can have two women of similar appearance, with similar jobs, and similar personalities – and one will reject you, while the other will love you. And this is where guys very often make the mistake of considering only the girl’s appearance – “If an 8 loves me, why would a 6 not?” I hate to use those ratings but I’m making a point, and it’s that who you click with, and who clicks with you, is based largely on what is going on underneath, much more than just your appearance and your level of game. This makes rejection and success seem very random, but when you realise this for yourself, you won’t take it personally anymore – especially when you do start dating some great girls.

Now, this is not to say that if you’re getting nowhere with women to just use this as an excuse to not learn and grow. If you’re getting shut down time and time again, then obviously, you need to work on something. It could be your approach, your appearance, your dress sense, your vibe, your energy, your beliefs, which girls you’re approaching, how you’re approaching, etc. however be sure that this is after considerable experience. Like I’ve previously mentioned, don’t go out and get three rejections, and conclude that you must be doing it wrong. Three approaches is nothing. Even ten approaches is nothing. I do that in one night. If you’re doing maybe thirty or forty approaches and are still getting nothing, then maybe you need to pay attention to something.

Rejection Is A Huge Opportunity To Grow

Again, I know that I’ve banged on about this a lot, and you’re probably just wanted to get to the parts on what to say and how to take her home – don’t worry, they’re coming up. Without I assure you that without a good grasp of these fundamentals, whatever you say or do won’t work.

I really need you to remember that after each rejection – that little sting, that sense of embarrassment, that feeling of not being good enough – is an amazing opportunity to go inside and strengthen yourself. This is your chance to become truly confident, much more attractive, and to ultimately date more attractive women. Strength for women is what appearance is for

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men. So after any bad approach or interaction, take a moment to step back and reward yourself for having stepped up to the plate. Remind yourself of how worthy and awesome you are. Think about what’s great about yourself and remind yourself that you’re on your way to getting more of what you want in your life.

Keep It Real

Don’t live in fantasy-land. Yes, on some level, in some situations, some girls are “better” than you. For instance, if you walk into a club and there is a stunning girl there – she does have more social value than you in that situation, especially if you’re a newbie with low social-value. To deny that and carry on with the whole “No I’m the prize” is deluded and not very helpful. You are both prizes. Society may just price them differently in this situation. You’re both just human beings who take daily shits and have insecurities (yes, hot girls do indeed have their own insecurities). She’s struggling in her life with her own issues just as much as you are in yours. So even though on a social value level, a hot girl is going to be generally ‘above’ you, you need to see everyone as human, even if society does treat her like a goddess and you as just another dude.

Work on the value that you’re bringing to the table yourself. Someone once asked me if my job involved “getting 4s to approach 10s” and my response was that I’m more interested in “helping 4s become 10s”. Don’t be like the “Looks don’t count” guys who spend years getting shut down repeatedly because they don’t think that they have to improve themselves. But also don’t be the guy walking around thinking that he could “never get a girl like that”. And definitely, understand rejection. You can do an approach perfectly and have it not work out, and you can do some clunky-arsed approach and get a date from it. You can get rejected from one girl and then have the exact same type of approach work out an exactly the same type of girl an hour later. There’s no consistency, and there are so many factors at play – so to just see rejection as “I’m not good enough. I’m failing at this” is crazy.

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Homework

1. Write A Value Essay

Write a 1000 word essay on your value. What do you like about yourself, and what are you bringing to the table in dating? Why would a girl be lucky to be with you? What do you really value in yourself and what do you think you have that offers other people value? Don’t just give stock standard answers like “I’m nice” or “I’m funny” – really get into it. The more detail that you give, the more impact that this will have on you (and thus, the more emotional leverage you will get from the exercise). That’s why I’m asking for 1000 words, so you can’t skimp on the detail.

Why would she date you over someone else? What’s unique about you? What’s a girl missing out on if she rejects you? What’re your own personal prized traits? To use myself as an example, if a girl starts spending time with me, she’ll very often start seeing life differently. I think differently, I live differently, I live on my own terms – in life, dating, business, etc. and I believe that that rubs off on people around me. I love helping others improve their lives and find more peace within themselves, so a girl that is spending time with me (dating or even just plutonic) is likely going to find more motivation to create the life that she wants. I also love to delve into people’s heads and discuss deep matters that other people rarely do. So I love to have women/people thinking “Huh, that’s interesting. I didn’t see things that way”

Will this be the case with all women that I spend time with? No. But with most women? Yes. I’ve seen it time and time again with the women that I’ve dated. That is just one example of the value that I feel I have. You can see how something like that is much more powerful than just “I’m funny” or “I’m loyal”

It’s very powerful to know this about yourself. In fact, I would say that it’s critical. So get to that now – nothing less than 1000 words.

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Section 5

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Chapter 15: Meeting Women During The Day.

One of the biggest myths in the dating world is that you need to go out to bars or clubs to meet women. You definitely can meet women this way, it’s a great way which I’ll discuss in a later section, but you can also very easily meet women during the day. In fact, many guys prefer this. The only other alternative to bars and clubs that most guys consider is online dating and phone apps like Tinder. Both of these are very handy tools that you should definitely try out, however they should be tools in a wide toolbox, not the only tool that you know how to use. Like everything, they have their pros and their cons, however in my opinion, they just don’t compare to meeting women in real life, because 1) Most guys just don’t get any results from them, due mostly to the huge swarms of contact requests that women get. So a guy online or on Tinder for two hours, vs. a guy out approaching in real life for two hours (assuming he has some skill) will get vastly different results. And 2) Online dating/apps don’t offer the growth and character development that come from facing the fear of approaching and interact with women in real life. So the ideal would be that you’re able to, and you are, approaching and meeting women in real life, and also using online/Tinder if you like.

Pay Attention

Today, tomorrow or whenever you leave the house next, I want you to simply pay more attention to what’s going on around you. On the streets, in the stores, on train platforms – look around. Go for a walk on your lunch break. You’ll notice that women are (obviously) everywhere. And let me tell you, every one of them that’s single, is in the same boat as you – really wanting to meet someone but struggling to find the time/ability to do so. I can assure you that you can very easily meet and date these women, once you know how. And it’s not about manipulating or tricking them – they want the same thing as you. They’re on your side.

This simple awareness of opportunity, the opening of your eyes, is something that I can’t emphasis enough. It’s a massive realisation that you can literally at any time, walk out your front door, or your office, and meet women. This one little realisation – if acted upon – will change your dating life forever. So going to the supermarket on the way home from work, or catching the train in the morning, or eating lunch in the park – these situations will never be the same again. They’ll become potential dating opportunities.

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Be Willing To Try

So the first thing that you need is this awareness – the realisation that you can meet women during the day – and the second thing that you need is a willingness to try. This is obviously the important part. And because this idea of talking to a woman during the day is probably daunting and completely foreign to many of you reading, you may find yourself already thinking of dozens of excuses …

▪ “Approaching a woman during the day is weird”
▪ “Meeting women like that isn’t very me”
▪ “During the day women are doing things, they don’t want to be bothered”

We’ve covered these in another chapter, but again, this is your brain trying to keep you comfortable and safe, and justifying your fear. You don’t see the world as it is, you see the world as you are, and these excuses are you projecting your own opinions and seeing them as fact. But that is completely ok! We all do it. It’s just important to remember that your opinion isn’t fact. There are countless women out there wondering why they never meet anyone. These women might not necessarily go out to bars (or do so only rarely), but they do indeed go grocery shopping, walk to work, take lunch breaks, visit the library, go to cafes, etc. And again, think of how good that story will be when either of you are asked “How did you two meet?”

Another Tool In The Toolbox

If you really don’t like the idea of meeting women during the day, that’s totally fine. I know plenty of guys who are great with women and never do this. I went out only at night when I first started, and I got good enough results to be dating some great women. Day approaching is just another option. It’s another tool in the toolbox. I do suggest that you at least consider it, because by not learning some basics of how to start a chat through the day, you’re limiting your growth, and also limiting who you’ll meet. And what happens when that perfect woman just happens to be standing next to you in the supermarket queue?

Lastly, please don’t be that weird creepy guy that’s out there approaching dozens of women every day, regardless of what they’re doing. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again – what I’m teaching is a tool to help you meet women when desired and when needed. Practicing this is great, and you’ll need to do it (a lot), however I don’t want you out there approaching

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everything that moves, running from passing woman to passing woman, thinking that that’s good game. I see this a lot – guys running around approaching anything and everything, generally saying exactly the same thing to each girl, and with little emotional investment in each individual approach. And obviously, a lot of these guys just aren’t getting the results they want. I have great respect for their motivation and momentum, but if only they could blend in some discretion and social intelligence, and also did some things other than approaching women, I know that they’d do much better.

Homework

1. Go Out And Notice

Go out today or tomorrow and just observe. Do this for a thirty minutes. Go for a walk, go to the supermarket, go to the nearest place that there are people, and just observe. Pay attention to all the women around you. This may sound too simple to be of any benefit, but I’ve seen it many times with my new clients – they just don’t notice anyone or anything around them. We habitually just block out most of our surroundings because it’s familiar, and we’re so in our heads. Breaking out of that will be your first step towards success with day-game.

You don’t have to approach at all during this exercise. I just want you out there walking around, and noticing the women around you. Notice where they are, what they’re doing, what they’re wearing, etc. Who are they do you think? Obviously don’t stalk anybody here. Don’t stare at them, don’t do anything creepy – I just want you to wander around on your own, quietly, respectfully, paying attention and noticing the people around you.

2. Benefits To Meeting Women During The Day

Write down 10 benefits that you feel there might be to meeting women during the day, for you specifically. Don’t just repeat the ones that I’ve mentioned, be more specific to you. Maybe you hate going to bars. Maybe you get no responses online dating. Maybe your personality or your energy is much more your selling point than your appearance. Maybe you work in sales and this will help you be more confident with people in general. Maybe you have an hour lunch break in the city every day that you need to kill. Maybe you work across the road from a sunny park that always has a lot of people in it. Whatever it may be, note down 10 benefits for you personally that you see to meeting women during the day.

And now, let’s get to specifically how to do it.

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Chapter 16: Day Openers / What To Say When You Approach In The Day.

When you see a woman that you’d like to talk to, the first thing that you really need to do is to try to stay calm. You need to condition your body and your mind to stay somewhat relaxed and in the moment. If you go getting all worked up and analytical, thinking that you’ve got to do the ‘game thing’ now, firstly – you’re not going to notice the things that you could use to start the interaction, and secondly – you’re going to make this one approach much more of a big deal than it actually is. This is just one girl. It’s a step on your journey. The chances of this one girl being the girl that changes your life are slim. The chances of this approach even eventuating into anything are small. So you need to stop yourself from getting so worked up over it. That’s not to say that it should feel easy, I’m just saying to not over-analyse it. I couldn’t count the times that I’ve had a client debate how to approach a woman, from what angle, what specifically he will say to her, and then as soon as he said “Excuse me ….”, the woman completely ignored him and walks off. All that time wasted.

So the first thing that you need to do is to chill out and take a moment to put it all into perspective. The second thing that you need to do is to ask yourself what it is about her that grabbed your attention? Why is she a person that you’d like to talk to? Is she dressed really well? Is there something specific that she’s wearing that’s interesting? Does she look like a tourist? Is she simply beautiful, and if so, what makes her beautiful? Does she look friendly? Is she looking at the same thing as you in the supermarket, or standing in the same queue? I really want you to start noticing these things. I want you to start paying attention to what you’re seeing, thinking and feeling. And specific things, not just “She’s hot”. Try to read her a little. Who do you think she is? What is she doing? What do you think she’s feeling?

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Observational Openers

One of the easiest ways to start an interaction is with an ‘observational opener’ (‘opener’ meaning a conversation starter). Again, is there something about her that you can comment on? Is there something that she’s wearing that grabs your attention? Is there something about her specifically? Is there something that she is doing?

Let’s use her style as an example. Something as simple as “Excuse me … can I just say that I really like your style” is absolutely fine IF she is indeed dressed well or interestingly. If you go up to a woman dressed completely normally and say this, she’s going to be confused and suspicious of you.Or if she walks past you on the street (which I’ll cover in the next chapter), and you notice that she’s cute and dressed quite well, after she has passed you, turn back, approach her from the side with something like “Excuse me … sorry I know this is rather random, I just had to come back and compliment you on your style.” and if she responds warmly, following it up with something like “Random I know, I just wanted to say hello. You stood out from the crowd.” It could be something specific that she’s wearing, which is even better. Just yesterday I had a client meet a girl on the street by commenting on her leopard print shoes – “Excuse me … I had to come and say that I love those shoes, they’re crazy” She loved it. But again, had they been normal shoes and he said that, she would have responded with “Erm, ok?”

So is there something (anything) about her? Yes, of course she’s attractive, and that’s why you’re likely approaching her – I’ll cover this more direct style of approaching in a moment – but if there’s something obvious that you can comment on, you don’t have to go in and put your balls on the line. Some guys are comfortable doing this (me included – I love direct approaching), other guys are not. And it’s not just about how comfortable you are with the approach, but also trying to make it as comfortable as possible for her also.

Some people may consider observational approaches lame – “You’re commenting on her style, what’re you her girlfriend?” – but they’re forgetting that the effectiveness of these observational openers is not the opener itself. It’s not the words that matter. Some of these comments are actually quite plain and some are just silly – it all comes down to the simple fact that you’re initiating an interaction with her. She very likely knows why you’re there, even if your opener is kinda dumb. Women understand that men need to say something. When I was out recently, I had a woman approach me with “Hey I like your shirt”. Now, she maybe did like my shirt to some degree, but it was just a simple stripped t-shirt, nothing too amazing, so the same applies here – I feel that I can safely assume that she’d seen me, was a little curious about me and had to say something to stop me as I was walking past, so that’s what she came up with.

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Observational openers can be very simple. “Excuse me … hi, I was just wondering are you from here?” is another example that I’ve used hundreds of times. Melbourne is packed with cute tourists who are often very easy to spot, and these simple little observations – “Excuse me … I have to ask, you’re German right?” – have worked very well to initiate many good chats during the day for both myself and clients.

Pay Attention

All you need to do here is pay attention. What can you comment on? “Excuse me, I’m just curious what you are reading?” “Excuse me, I have to ask, what is that you’re buying there?” – A few weeks ago, a client asked me to approach a woman walking up the street who was smiling with headphones in. I walked beside her for a little bit, slightly leaned in front of her and motioned that I wanted to ask her something with my hand. She stopped walking, took her headphones out and I asked “I have to ask what you’re listening to. You’re walking up the street with a massive grin on your face. Is that an audiobook or comedy or something?” Turns out it was just music but she was enjoying the sunshine, and we proceeded to chat about her day out shopping. You could ask her about something in the environment, something that’s happening around you, or something a bit more practical (asking about trains, streets, etc. – as long as you can transition them to a conversation, which I’ll cover soon).

Looking for examples to include in this chapter, in just in the last couple days, I’ve noticed a girl with an interesting tattoo, a girl with a dream catcher painted on her jacket, a girl knitting in the sun, a girl drinking water from a vodka bottle that she’d turned into an everyday bottle, a girl with blue hair on a train … when you pay attention, you really do start to see so many things that you could use to initiate conversations. Your homework for this chapter will be to get out there and notice these things, because we really do habitually block them out. I remember once when I pointed out a cute girl for a client to approach on the street, he asked me “What do I say?” My response was “Are you serious? She’s wearing a saree!” A simple “Excuse me, I have to say, love the Saree. Are you going somewhere or do you just wear them because you like them?” worked great.

Just make sure that your observation is legitimate. To approach a girl with normal long brown hair and tell her you like her hair, is going to make you seem very weird, and/or desperate, whereas a girl with an afro or coloured hair, will be fine. And don’t go up to a girl and say “Hey I love your bag” unless it really is an interesting looking handbag. I’ve heard a few guys say this and I tend to think that she may actually think that you’re gay, or that you’re about to mug her. I recently approached a girl using her handbag, but it was a psychedelic looking handbag that she bought in India. Had it been a normal looking bag, I’m certain that she would have moved

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away from me very quickly. There’s a huge difference between commenting on a girl’s colourful Converse for example, and commenting on her standard, black work shoes. “Excuse me, just gotta say, I love the Chucks” is going to work well in one case, and in the other case “Excuse me, I love your shoes” is going to make you look pretty suss.

Following Up The Open

When you first approach and say “Excuse me” (which I advise starting day approaches with), give her a moment to look at you before you say your opener. Don’t just walk in and start speaking, give her a chance to register you. Remember, you’re likely awakening her from her day dream. She’s thinking about something else when you pop up. Then really pay attention to her after you say your opener, because her reaction here is going to tell you a lot about where the interaction is going. If it’s good, meaning that she stops to talk to you, or she faces you, or she smiles, or she just seems open and friendly – then you have a number of different things that you can do here. The best in my opinion, is to just follow up your initial opener with a simple question, for example, if you’d asked if she was from here, you could follow up with “I just saw you taking photos and I was just curious if you were a tourist?” or “Oh I was just curious, you look very European”. If you’d asked her something about what she was looking at on a shelf in the supermarket, you could follow it up with “So what’re you shopping for today?”. You can even just introduce yourself if she responds warmly, and say that you just had to comment. What is the most logical follow up question to what you’ve just said to her? I’ll cover these specific situations and initial conversation in an upcoming chapter.

If it’s not an good response, meaning that she just walks off, or she looks at you weird, or goes “Umm, ok, thanks” – then just say something like “Cool, I just had to come and tell you that. Bye”. Don’t be bitter, don’t be mad, actually be friendly. Don’t let your ego trick you into thinking that you need to maintain some air of coolness or that you need to exit gracefully. Just leave. It’s worth noting here though, that you don’t actually need a great response. Remember, this girl is just going about her day. She was in her own little world, then you just popped up out of nowhere and said something to her. She’s likely going to need a second to process it. I’ve seen MANY clients walk away from perfectly good approaches because they thought that the girl was cold, when in fact she was just taking a second to gather who he was and what was going on. A neutral response is not a negative response. So don’t be in a huge rush to run off. This will be hard because running off is exactly what your comfort-seeking brain will want you to do. So just give it a few seconds at least to see if she warms up, then decide to leave or not. Remember, this very girl could have a boyfriend and not be interested, or she could very well be spending her nights trawling Tinder.

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Transitioning

‘Transitioning’ is very important with these observational openers. Transitioning is simply moving from an initial opening topic to a conversation. So if you’ve just approached a girl in a supermarket and asked her about some food she is looking at (for example), transitioning would then be asking her name or what she is shopping for today, instead of just continuing to talk about the item that you asked her about. So it’s moving on from the open. It’s moving the conversation forward. If you don’t do this, you’re likely going to just complement her on something or comment on something, and walk off. Or worse – comment on something and then just continue to awkwardly talk about that one thing. You obviously ideally want the conversation to GO somewhere.

Transitioning can be anything – asking if she is from here, telling her why you’re asking her something, complimenting her on something else, introducing yourself, asking what she’s up to for the day – whatever. This is one reason why I love being direct in my opens (which I’ll cover next), because it’s way easier to transition forward, to move the conversation to an exchange of phone numbers, etc. Some guys struggle to do this with observational opening – “How do I just ask her out after I’ve chatted about a book for five minutes” I’ll cover this more in an upcoming chapter, but for now I just want it in your mind that you must transition forwards from observational openers, or they’ll go nowhere.

“Excuse Me …” & “I Just Had To Say…”

Again, you’ll notice in some of the examples that I started with “Excuse me” This is in no way absolutely necessary, I personally just find it helpful in getting someone’s attention when opening. If you approach and just start talking, you won’t have her attention, you’ll likely startle her, and she might not even hear you. So what you’re starting out, I recommend that you use this to ensure that you have a woman’s attention before you start talking to her. And right after saying it, pause and let her register you – “Excuse me … (pause) …” and then proceed with your opener.

You’ll also notice that in some of the examples, I said “I just had to come and tell you …” or “I just have to ask …” or “I was just curious …” Again, this is something that’s in no way necessary, but which I do really like to use. For example, let’s use a recent approach of mine in the supermarket to point something out.

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“Excuse me … hi … sorry I just had to come and ask, are you Eastern European?”

Now compare that sentence with just “Hi are you Eastern European?”

They’re similar yes, but to me, the first one seems much more natural, and the words of someone who is legitimately curious about her. The second seems rather blunt, random and maybe even intrusive. Remember, the more comfortable she is, the better her response will be.

Observational Opener Summary

Observational openers are great. You really can use anything, and there’s so much that you can use once you start to looking for it. The opener itself doesn’t have to be amazing or interesting – again, it’s not about the opener, it’s just about testing to see if the woman is open to a chat. You’ll have successes and rejections using the exact same observational openers, so don’t think that anything specific ‘works’ better than something else. This type of opener is often easier for new guys because it’s more socially acceptable, and it doesn’t require them putting their balls on the line as much.

I think your first choice in openers should always be something observational. I often see men trying to make a huge statement in their approaches – “Hello! You’re BEAUTIFUL!” – when the woman was just sitting there reading, or wearing something unusual, or waiting for the same tram as them. He didn’t need to ‘wow’ her with some spectacular opener, again, all he had to do was test her receptivity, and if she was open, go from there. If she is open to meeting guys (i.e. single), and she likes the look and feel of you, it will open. If she isn’t, it won’t.

Don’t just make a random observation and walk off – use the observation to test her receptivity, to get your foot in the door, follow up with a questions or two (if she responded warmly, or even neutrally) and then transition it into an actual conversation. Some will transition just fine, others will not. Keep it simple. The guys who swear by their technical, elaborate openers forget that women are responding to YOU, not what you’re saying – regardless of if you use an elaborate opener or just say “Hello”. All you’re doing is testing the water and giving her a chance to talk back to you, if she wants to.

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Direct Openers

Again, observational openers are great, but of course – what if you can’t find anything to comment on? That’s their limitation, and this is why you need to be versatile and learn a number of different ways to approach a woman. Often I see guys trying to start a conversation with a woman but desperately avoiding saying what is actually on their mind. They frantically scramble to find anything to say, even when it’s not at all applicable – “Uh … hey, I like your … shoes?” No. Ultimately, the reality is that you’d just like to meet her. You’re a man and you’re attracted to a woman – it’s the most natural and masculine thing on the planet. And that’s a good enough reason to want to meet her. Don’t be ashamed of it, own it. In a world where everyone is trying to play it cool, having the balls to show that you’re actually interested in a woman (and are willing to do something about it) can be refreshing and attractive. Despite the popular myth, a woman will not lose respect or attraction for you if she knows that you’re interested in her. This myth arose from too many loveable loser type guys telling girls that are way above them in sexual marketplace value, how pretty they are. If a girl isn’t attracted to you, fawning over her and telling her how gorgeous she is will not change that. So her reaction will depend largely on the guy showing the interest, and her level of attraction to him. It’s not the approach, it’s the approacher that’s largely determining how well direct opening works.

So let’s say that you’re in a supermarket and you see a cute girl. An example of a direct opener would be something like “Excuse me … I know this is forward, I just saw you and I really wanted to come and say hi. You are very cute” Or if she walks past you on the street, turning back, walking up to her and saying something like “Excuse me … hello, sorry to stop you there, but I just literally walked right past you and I just had to come back and meet you quickly”. There are obviously thousands of variations on what you could say (don’t memorise anything – it will come out mechanical and emotionally empty), but basically it’s about conveying to her simply and honestly that you find her attractive and wanted to find who she is. How you word it is completely up to you. Note however that it should not be some gushing “Oh my god, you’re soooo beautiful!” That’s going to really work against you. Remember – woman want to date up in the social hierarchy, and you gushing over her like a smitten schoolboy and pedestaling her based entirely on her appearance, will tell her right away “This person is below me”. There’s a BIG difference between showing a woman that you find her attractive, and thus you’d love to know more about her … and acting like you’re not worthy of her because she’s attractive. You don’t even have to mention her appearance if you’d prefer to not – direct can also be simply “Excuse me … hi, I just noticed you there and I just wanted to come and say hi quickly. I’m Chris” Just be careful with this though, as it can lead a girl to wonder why you’re saying hello, which is why I personally like to give a reason.

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As with observational opening, give her a second to process it and pay attention to her reaction. All you need is a couple of seconds to see if she’s receptive to you, or not interested. If she’s open, don’t keep rattling on about her appearance, transition onto something else – “My name’s Chris, nice to meet you. What are you shopping for today?” If she’s closed, you know what you do – walk.

Your Mindset Will Make Or Break Direct

Again, it’s very important to note here that you’re not approaching her in a way that implies that her appearance makes her so much better than you. She’ll cringe at that. Again, good direct approaching comes down to the fact that you’re a man, you like her, you want to meet her, and you have the balls to approach her honestly – unlike most men who just stare at her and never say anything. Women are attracted to strong men who are willing to take risks. And direct approaching is a very strong approach IF it’s coming from the right mindset. This is why you need to work on having a good self-esteem, because your mindset will be the difference between a woman thinking “Wow, that was ballsy” (good) and “Aww he is so cute trying to talk to me” (bad).

Yes It Does Work & No Not Every Guy Says That

For the new guys reading this who’ve never approached before, I know what you may be thinking – “There’s no way in hell I could do that!” Yes it’s very daunting to start, but I assure you that itis a very effective way of meeting women. If you’re blown away by how beautiful a woman is, don’t go and comment on her work pants. Own your interest and your desire. Myself, my clients, and many guys that I know, have met and dated many beautiful women in this fashion. And yes, even the stunners that you think this would never work on. It will take some practice. You will be nervous. You might be terrified. This is totally fine. Think of all that inner growth. This is how you build that coveted confidence.

Direct approaching is just another option – you don’t have to do it. Some of the best guys that I know never do this, they prefer more observational openers or simple, normal openers (which I’ll cover next). But if the idea of cutting out the bullshit and just speaking your mind resonates with you, all you need to do is to try this a few times to see for yourself how effective it can be. If you approach just 5-10 women in this fashion, you’ll be very surprised at how well it can go and how friendly women generally are. No, not all of them will respond well to you (of course) – some will think you’re weird, many will have partners, some will just not be interested in you

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– but nothing works every time. And again, you’re doing all of this for those women that are open, positive, friendly and interested in you. You’re out to meet the women that you do click with.

If you’re reading this thinking that this would never work, and yet you’ve never approached or tried it yourself, then hopefully you can see that your opinion on this isn’t backed up by any evidence, whereas mine is backed up by having done it thousands of times. Scepticism based on no experience seems to be everywhere. I meet men who are sceptical but who’ve never actually approached a woman before. I meet women who are sceptical but whom I know would respond well to a guy approaching her. I was once on a date with a girl who said that she would never go on a date with a guy that she met during the day or on the street, despite the fact that I approached her as she was walking through a supermarket.

And before you discount direct approaching with “But that’s what every guy says to her”, consider these points …

  1. Most guys will never approach. Ever. Period. They might tell a girl that she’s beautiful when they’re serving her in a café (or wherever), but that I no way counts as an approach. There is no intent there at all.
  2. Of the guys that do approach, most would never approach through the day – they can only approach after a few drinks in a bar.
  3. Of the very miniscule amount of guys that do approach through the day, most will come up with some weird reason to talk to her, or they’ll comment on her appearance in a way that screams “You’re better than me!” (which again, women aren’t wired to be attracted to), or they’ll comment on her appearance in a weird creepy “You so preeeeeetty” way.
  4. The people that are always telling a woman that she’s attractive, are her female friends (or random girls that she meets), her friend-zoned male friends that secretly want to fuck her, people on her social media (go check out any hot girl’s Instagram), people wanting something from her, or just guys with really bad mindsets who pedestal her. 95% of men telling women that they’re beautiful are not men that they would want to fuck or date.
  5. She is responding to YOU as a person, not your opener. If you’re a cool, attractive guy who looks after himself and who tries to have his shit in order, direct approaching is going to work well for you. But if you’re a guy who is below average in appearance, who isn’t working on himself, who has low social value and low self-esteem, then it’s very likely not going to work for you (or at least not on women more attractive than you).

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Many guys think that showing interest in a woman is a bad thing. Or that direct approaching would work on the “average” women but not the more attractive ones. Firstly, most guys, despite all their bullshit, don’t actually want the hottest women out there – they just want a nice girl that they’re attracted to and that they connect with. Research has shown that we tend to be more comfortable with people we feel are ‘in our league’. Secondly, I could tell you about the stunning women that I’ve met (and dated) from direct approaching, or when my clients have, but that’s anecdotal and doesn’t mean shit to you reading this – so just think about this … an attractive guy with a good mindset and masculine energy is NOT the same as the lame guy in the café who tells her she is pretty every day when she buys her coffee. A guy who likes himself, who likes his life and who looks after himself, is not the same as her photographer telling her that she is stunning in between photo shoots. Even that guy just wants to fuck her.

Yes “the 10s” get told they’re beautiful a lot, but very rarely from guys of equal sexual marketplace value. And rarely do they have the intention to actually talk to her, and to judge her personality also, and to ask her out. Again, a large part of direct approaching is how you look after yourself (both physically and mentally) so if you’re out there looking like shit, or thinking like shit, and bringing little social value, and you’re only ever approaching the stunners with their shit sorted out – don’t be surprised if you’re getting no results. Most will still be friendly to you, but it won’t eventuate into anything more. You need to keep it real. When I meet a guy who doesn’t have much going for him (yet), and he tells me that he wants to date “a 10”, firstly I question if he actually does want that or if he’s overcompensating for something, and then I tell him honestly that he’ll simply have to work much harder on himself and meet many more women in order for that to be a possibility.

Direct Summary

Ultimately, direct approaching – being upfront about your interest in a girl – is a great way to meet women. It just needs to be done in the right way (i.e. not grovelling and not reciting some memorised line), and with the right mindset, which could be summarised as something like – “I find that woman really attractive, and I’m bold enough to tell her. She might like me, she might not. But I value myself highly enough to just try and see if we click”. It’s honest, it gets to the point, it’s easiest to turn into a date (so there’s not too much transitioning required), and a lot of guys find it actually much easier because they don’t have to think up some opener in order to approach (i.e. they can be more congruent and just speak their mind). It can also be very refreshing for a woman to have a man approaching her authentically and not playing games.

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Often women who are not even interested in you, will really respect your courage with this type of approach.

Simple Normal Openers

You don’t need to be observational or direct in order to talk to a woman, obviously. These are just two options that I’m giving you because I know that you need something to work with to get started, kinda like training wheels.

“Hello” is the greatest opener there is. Yes, a simple hello to the girl seated next to you on the bus, or standing near you at an event, and maybe a simple comment or question after that, is all that you need. I had a client once get a girlfriend from a supermarket by mentioning a good brand of pickles to her. I had a client chat up a girl on the street by saying hello and commenting on the busker that was performing nearby. One of the coolest girls that I’ve ever dated, I met as I was walking home from work by commenting on her pants as she was walking next to me on the street (she was actually walking to a date). These completely ‘natural’ ways of starting conversations should always be your first choice.

But it’s just worth bearing in mind that if you’re going out to actively approach women (which I suggest doing in order to get more comfortable and confident in the dating area), most of the time you won’t find yourself in many ‘natural’ situations. These natural situations arise in normal life maybe once a month (if that), which is why I’m encouraging you to actively go out and make it happen instead of waiting for it to happen (which is what most people do). And sometimes in ‘unnatural’ situations, ‘natural’ openers just won’t work. So for example …

  • ▪  Natural situation – You’re walking down the street one day, going about your life, and the woman walking next to you happens to look over and smile at you. You just say “Hello”, and it likely works just fine. You engage in a chat as you walk.
  • ▪  Unnatural situation – You’re out TRYINGto find a girl to talk to, so you say “Hello” to one as she is walking down the street next to you. She likely looks at you confused and looks away.

In the first instance, a natural situation that just happened to unfold, allowed a natural opener. In the second instance, you tried to force a natural opener on an unnatural situation.

So ‘natural’ openers are great if the situation is ‘natural’ but they can be odd if they’re forced. I’ve coached plenty of men who have asked me “Why can’t I just go and say hi to her?” and when they’ve gone to do that, exactly what I predicted happened – the woman said “Umm, hello?” and walked off confused. Since the girl was going about her day and didn’t noticed him at all, just saying “Hello how’s it going?” made her think “Huh? What? Where? Who?”. Using a

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more structured observational or direct opener – “Excuse me … can I just ask/say …” – would have worked better. That’s not to say that you can’t just say hello or ask a simple question when the situation arises. For example, a girl was once on the tram next to me holding some Spirulina so I said “I use that too. Do you find it any good?” and we had a good chat. A natural opener, in a natural opportunity.

So don’t over complicate all of this by thinking that you need to say or do certain things. Again, there are women out there wanting for a man to just say hello. If you are sitting on a train platform, or you’re in a park on a lunch break, or you’re at an event – or wherever – and a lovely woman just happens to be standing or sitting next to you, you can absolutely just say hello and ask how her day is. Everything that I am mentioning her, are all just options.

Just Be Willing To Try

One of the keys to effective approaching is getting in touch with those genuine emotions. Don’t try to play it cool, don’t try to be cocky, or funny, or interesting, etc. and don’t try to “game” her. Just try to express what you’re actually feeling, or what you’ve actually observed. Be genuine. As cliché as that is, and despite all the bullshit technical advice out there, that’s really all that’s necessary,

It’s very simple, but it’s not easy. It becomes easier with experience, so that should be your focus for now – just getting experience. Again, you’re here because you want something different. You want the freedom to meet who you want and to date who you choose. You want to grow into an attractive, confident and more self-assured man. So you have to do something different. If you want to meet great women, date great women, I’ve done that – a lot – so even if none of this is sitting well with you, try to read it with an open mind. I’m just telling you what has worked for me and what has worked for many clients. These are guidelines based on extensive experience, so take what works for you and discount what doesn’t, because ultimately you will have to find your own ‘way’ of doing this. There’s absolutely no correct way, but for now, you do need to push yourself to do some new things, even if they do feel a little weird. Just be willing to try.

Opening Summary

There really are many ways to meet women through the day, and it doesn’t matter too much what you say. I’ll cover more specifics of each situation in the next chapter, but to just get you

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started, I highly recommend either observational approaches or direct approaches – if you can’t just start with a “Hello” or a normal question/comment in a natural fashion. Ultimately, your opener – what to say – is in the situation. And as you get better, you’ll get a lot more fluid, versatile and confident, so you’ll approach much more naturally. You often won’t even need any ‘openers’ because you’ll start coming up with your own random ways to start conversations.

You’ll be surprised at how friendly most women are, but just understand that women will generally wonder why you’re talking to them immediately, and will perhaps be a little on guard initially if they’re not clear on your purpose for talking to them (note – this is not at all applicable at night in bars). So you need to consider that in your open also (I’ll cover this more later).

For now, just see the type of openers that I’ve mentioned as training wheels to help you get started – until you can balance and ride the bike on your own. For now, having a general idea of what you can do will be handy, so that when a lovely gal does pass you by, you don’t find yourself in the terrifying void of “What do I say??” Is there something that you can comment on about her or the situation? Can you just say hello? Can you just go and introduce yourself? Can you just balls up, be totally upfront and direct with her? Just learn to speak your mind more, and be prepared to practice it until you start to feel more comfortable with it.

10 Specific Tips

So to reinforce some of the specifics, here are 10 quick points:

  1. One of the most important things to do when meeting women during the day is to give her a reason for your approach quite quickly. If you just approach and start talking, she’ll wonder who you are, if you’re selling something, if you’re mentally stable, if you’re going to kidnap her, etc. By simply saying something like “Oh I just saw you and had to come and say hi quickly” or “I just noticed your cheetah print shoes there and though they were pretty cool” or “I was just with my friend having coffee there and thought I’d come and say hi quickly” (it really can be anything) – that reason will make her feel that little bit more comfortable talking to you. It’s one less thing that she has to wonder about. A stranger just talking to her with no clear intention will have her wondering what’s going on and her defences will be up (rightfully so).
  2. Be sure to excuse yourself and wait for her attention before you start talking. Don’t startle her or just start talking before she has even noticed you.

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  1. It doesn’t matter if she knows that you’re nervous. In fact, that’s a good thing – it makes you more real. Sincerity and courage are attractive (as I mentioned in the ‘confidence is overrated’ chapter). So don’t try to be confident, just be real. Do try to stay present and calm. Be ok with being vulnerable. Be ok with putting it out there and taking a chance.
  2. Don’t worry too much about getting your opening line perfect. Again, she is responding to you more than what you’re saying. It doesn’t really matter specifically what you say, as long as you’re conveying that you’re just a friendly, harmless, interested guy, and that there’s no pressure on her to talk back. She needs to feel that you’ll be just fine if she isn’t interested in talking to you, that it’s no big deal – you’re just saying hi – and that you’ll leave if she doesn’t want to talk.
  3. This won’t ‘work’ with every girl. Never. Ever. Just like meeting women in any way (bars, events, speed dating, blind dates, online, whatever) there is an element of a ‘numbers game’ here. That’s simply the reality of it. Some women will have boyfriends or husbands (look for wedding rings), some will simply not be interested in you, some won’t like your approach, etc. This is FINE! Be ok with this.You’re doing this to get the skill, to cultivate confidence, and to find the woman/women that are perfect for you. And I assure you that if you keep at it, you will.
  4. I like phrases like “I just had to come and say …” or “May I just say …” For me this indicates almost that it was an afterthought to come and speak with her. It just seems like a very natural thing to say to me. So try throwing that into your openers and see how it works for you. It may not sound very impactful, but I do think that it makes a big difference.
  5. You should contextualise the approach by saying something like “I was just doing my shopping and … ” or “I’m just waiting for a friend and …” etc. By ‘contextualise’ I mean to give your approach some context, so that she’s not left filling in too many blanks and wondering who you are, where you came from, what you are doing, etc.
  6. If she responds well to you, you want to make some small talk for a couple of minutes, and then at some point ask for her phone number. I’ll cover how to do this in another chapter, but I want to start putting the idea in your head now. She’s likely out doing something, so you generally want to keep your day interactions somewhat short. Save the real getting to know her for the phone and the date.
  7. If you happen to get chatting with a girl who indicates that she’s not up to much, and you don’t have anything on either, you can absolutely ask her out for a date then and there – coffee, food, a walk, etc. I’ll cover these ‘instant-dates’ in much depth in another chapter.

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10. ALWAYS keep in mind that learning to do this will not only get you meeting more women, but will significantly improve your overall personality, confidence and attractiveness. It’ll improve your dating and you overall. So don’t focus entirely on the women or your responses. Always focus on your growth and development during each and every approach.

Homework

1. Go Out & Notice Openers

I want you to go out again, like you did in the last chapter’s homework, to an area where there are people. It might be a square, it might be park, it might be a shopping mall, wherever – and this time, write down specific openers that you could use. Take a pen and paper, or laptop if you prefer, and write down twenty openers that you see on women.

Again, obviously, I don’t want you harassing women or being a creep in any way – just take a seat somewhere, look around and write down some specific things that you notice about women, and how you could word that into an opener using some of the guidelines that I’ve covered in this chapter.

For example, you might see a lady wearing a bright floral dress. Well, here in Melbourne right now, it’s summer, so an example of an opener that you could use might be something like “Excuse me … can I just say, that’s definitely a very summery dress you’ve got there” Look around. What do you see? Clothing, beauty, skin tone, activities, accessories, tattoos, wrist bands, vibes, smiles, etc. – it could be anything that you notice. Word your observations into an opener. Write them down, and perhaps even consider what you would say after the opener, and maybe even consider what that says about the person. So to use the above example, the lady with the bright dress, if it looks like she’s sitting waiting for someone, you could ask if she is. If she looks like a tourist, you could ask where she’s from. If she looks like she is dressed to go out, you could ask if she is headed somewhere this evening. And also, what do you think her ‘super summery’ dress says about her? Don’t overthink it, you’re only having these practice interactions in your mind.

If you’ve already been day approaching for a while and you find it quite easy, some of the homework activities in this book might be unnecessary for you (like the next part of this chapter). However, this particular activity I’d still recommend doing because I’m surprised by how often I do meet guys who have been out approaching for a while, but who always use the same one or two openers. Most often these guys aren’t getting results because they’re actually bored of their own openers, and they’re not being specific enough to each girl and each situation.

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2. Create Two Generic Day Openers

If you’ve not approached before, please write down just two simple and very genetic openers – one direct and one observational. I’ll give you two examples:

▪ Direct – “Excuse me … hi, I know this is a bit random, but I just saw you and I really just wanted to come and say hello quickly, you’re very beautiful”

▪ Observational – “Excuse me … I just had to come and tell you that I really like your X” (whatever X may be).

If you want to model yours on these, that’s fine, but they need to be your own wording. Write whatever feels right to you. Please don’t just copy these exactly. Yes it’s hard without actual situations, and yes these aren’t particularly amazing openers – but they aren’t meant to be. I want you to get familiar with these two openers because they’re simple. Repeat them aloud to yourself. Imagine saying them to a woman. Feel the emotion that you might feel in the situation. Don’t just say them like a robot. Even find a mirror to practice them if that helps you. Spend a few minutes practicing these and commit them to memory.

It’s actually best to approaching with nothing in your head – you see a girl, you notice something, and/or you just go in with whatever – but that’s the ideal place to get to. If you’re new, you aren’t in an ideal place yet. So having a couple of simple lines in your head that you can resort to in those crucial moments, can really help you to get started. Again, they’re just training wheels. As you advance, you won’tneed anything memorised. This will keep it fresh and spontaneous for you, and real and natural sounding for the girl. But again, that’s the end goal to work towards.

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Chapter 17: Day

Approaching Situations –

Street, Shops, Seated &

Groups.

The four most common situations in which you’ll meet women through the day are:

  1. On the streets
  2. In supermarkets and in shops
  3. Seated in places such as public squares, parks, benches, etc.
  4. In groups

Of course, this will vary. Perhaps you work in a large office complex or you’re at university, both in which you could meet a lady, however the four specifically mentioned situations can be applied to all other places. A girl walking through a university is not too different to a girl walking on the street, and a woman seated in a big office complex café is not really so different to a woman in a supermarket.

Approaching On The Street

It’s crazy to think that you can date women from the street, however it absolutely can be done. In fact, it’s one of my favourite ways to meet women. When I first got into all of this, being able to approach a woman that I was walking past was the pinnacle of success to me. I thought that if I could just manage to do that a couple of times, I’ll have reached my goal (now I do it for a living – talk about overshooting the mark). I’d always noticed cute women passing me on the street, but the idea of actually talking to them (let alone dating them) was very far out of my reality. This might also be the case for many of you reading – hopefully not for too much longer.

Eye Contact

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To start, just pay attention to women that pass you on the street. Notice them more, try to look them in the eye. You’ll be surprised by how often women will look up and notice you. And if you do make eye contact, approaching is a lot easier. It makes a cold approach a warm approach. However, you don’t have to get eye contact in order to approach a woman. This is such a huge dating myth. If you wait for eye contact (or for a sign that she wants to talk to you) before you approach, you won’t meet the women that you really want to meet – you’ll always be limited to who notices you. Most women simply won’t notice you, even if they are single and looking, especially through the day. They’ll just be going about their day and not thinking that a guy would actually come and talk to them.

But the aim of this book is to give you choice. It’s about meeting and dating the woman/women that you actually want to meet and date. So while getting eye contact or any kind of invitation to approach is very handy indeed, it’s definitely not necessary. Again, some women are out there wanting to meet a guy, but they might not even notice you, or might not be willing to give you any kind of sign to approach. So while eye contact is not necessary, often enough it will happen – a woman will catch the eye of a passing guy that she likes the look. She may even hold it, or give him the ‘up and down’ look. I love when this happens because you can literally just turn back and say “Excuse me … I have to say hello to you”. I had a woman recently look at her friend and laugh when I went back to say that. I asked what she was laughing at, and she replied “I was just telling my friend about our moment there” So look out for that – it does happen, but most men don’t see or register it because they aren’t looking for it.

When She Is Walking Past You

Probably the most common situation for street approaching is a cute girl walking past you. Most guys will just ogle at her and fantasise, but you my friend, you could actually meet her. You can either just say “Excuse me” as you’re walking past her, and if she stops, proceed with your opener … or you can let her walk past (watching for eye contact as she does), and then turn back to catch up with her. Then you can approach her from the side or even slightly in front of her (so that when you open her, you’re facing back towards the way you came), with “Excuse me”, again, seeing if she stops. Another alternative is to turn back, walk in the same direction as her and from the side while walking, open. Then continue to talk and walk (if she’s being responsive to you).

Letting her walk past and then turning back to catch up with her is definitely my preference. In fact, I never stop women as they’re walking towards me. I find it a bit salesy and invasive. Also, when you’re starting out, you might find this turning back style of approaching more helpful because it’ll give you the chance to pause and motivate yourself to actually do it.

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Just calmly walk back in her direction soon after she has passed you (walk a bit quicker if you’ve let her walk far away). Don’t run up to her from behind and startle her – simply fill in the gap between you and her, and then open her from the side, from a little in front of her, or as you’re walking in the same direction as her. If she has earphones in, that’s completely fine – just gesture from the side and she will likely stop and take them out, or at least look at you and take one out. Don’t approach her from behind, and don’t get right in front of her. Give her plenty of space. You don’t want her walking into you and you don’t want to be invading her space. “Excuse me …” and then give her the option to talk to you, as well as the option to walk off. Ideally, she will stop to talk to you. And then something observational like “I just had to come back and compliment/mention/ask about your (whatever)” – or something more direct like “I just had to come back and meet you quickly. You’re adorable. I’m Chris”

When She’s Walking In The Same Direction

Guys sometimes find approaching a woman who’s walking in the same direction somewhat easier because they don’t have to turn back and approach her so blatantly. Here you’re just saying something to her as you both walk in the same direction. I’d again suggest getting her attention with a clear “Excuse me” and then proceeding with your opener (whatever that might be – remember, what is it about her that you noticed or are wondering?). If she’s walking ahead of you, you can just walk a little faster until you’re alongside her, and if she’s walking behind you, just slow down a little until she’s alongside you. Again, pay attention to her receptivity. If she responds warmly to you, keep talking and walking. Often enough you will end up stopping to talk (always a good sign). But if she doesn’t give you much – she seems closed, uninterested, if she’s giving you one word answers, or she’s not even looking at you when you talk, just let her walk off.

As I mentioned briefly in the last chapter, what tends to be ineffective here is just saying a random “Hi” as you’re walking with her. People tend to just shrug off the person on the street saying “Hello” as it’s either too random (i.e. they think you’re a bit loopy), or they assume that you want something from them (i.e. you’re selling something). That is, unless it’s justified immediately after with something like “Oh I just wanted to say hi, I noticed your (whatever)”. For the most-part, you really do need to make your opener an obvious comment or question here.

Street Summary

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So, when you’re walking up the street and you notice a cute woman who is about to walk pass you, firstly, just notice if she notices at you. Regardless of if she does or not, if you’d like to meet her and the situation seems fine to do so, after she has walked past you, simply turn back and catch up with her. The sooner that you do this, the better. You don’t want to wait too long and let her get too far up the street, especially if she has noticed you, because then you do become the guy who appears to be stalking her, whereas the guy who turns back after a few seconds is bold and spontaneous (if she didn’t see you as she passed, this makes no difference, so don’t use the “She’s too far away now” excuse). Once you catch up with her, from the side or a from in front of her (i.e. ideally not from behind), just say clearly “Excuse me”. Then she’ll either:

  1. Stop to listen to you
  2. Ignore you and walk off
  3. Keep walking and talking to you in a friendly way, while you’re walking with her
  4. Keep walking and listening to you but in a closed off way (so not giving you anything to work with)

Your responses should be:

  1. If she stops to listen to you, say whatever it is that you wanted to say to her (i.e. your opener) and if she’s receptive, just proceed to a conversation (I’ll cover this more in an upcoming chapter). A girl stopping to talk to you is your first green light.If she is facing you (so her body is not still pointing to where she was walking), this is another.
  2. If she ignores you and walks off, take a moment to congratulate yourself for approaching. Lick your wounds and just get on with your day (or your next approach).
  3. If you’ve gone to approach her and she’s friendly to you but she keeps walking (or you approached her while walking in the same direction), just proceed with your conversation while walking with her, but ONLY if she’s giving you something back. It helps here to let her know what you’re doing and where you’re walking, so that she doesn’t think that you’re following her. Using the word “quickly” in your opener can help also – “I just had to say quickly …”. Even if she is being friendly to you, how long you’re going to walk with her will cross her mind. Remember, even if you’re lovely and friendly, you’re still a random guy on the street to her.

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4. If you’re walking with her and talking, but she’s giving you short answers, she’s not looking at you and not showing any signs of interest, just walk away. Don’t stalk the girl. Don’tfollow the girl. Don’t “plow” forward trying to turn it around. She’s not “shit testing” you, she just doesn’t want to talk to you. Leave. Don’t waste your time or hers, and don’t give the rest of us doing this a bad name because you’re socially uncalibrated.

Some guys like to say “Hey can I ask you something?” or “Can I stop you for a moment?” as openers, which is totally fine. Personally, I prefer to just say “Excuse me” and then give her a second to register me, before smiling, saying hello, and proceeding with my opener (usually observational or direct). To quickly touch on openers again (from the last chapter), either I find something about her to comment on or to ask her about, for example:

“Excuse me …”

  • ▪  “I just have to ask, I’m very curious, where you are from?”

Just be sure to justify asking this type of opener quickly. Whatever she responds with, give her the reason that you’re asking. For example, here something like “You just look really European, I thought you might have been Russian or something. I’m usually pretty good at guessing, I just couldn’t tell”.

  • ▪  “Can I just say that I’m really liking your style”
  • ▪  “Are you wearing a jumper or a poncho? – something I used a few days ago for a girl sitting outside a bar waiting for a friend. She laughed knowingly, so it wasn’t the first time that she had been asked or wondered that herself.
  • ▪  “You look like you’re enjoying the sun today”

I can be whatever. Again, observational openers can be anything, and it’s MUCH more how it’s said (and the person saying it), than the opener itself. Most of my comments and openers would sound nothing too special on paper, but with warmth, energy and enthusiasm on the street, they work just fine.

Or just as often I am much more direct:

“Excuse me …”

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▪ “I just had to come back and meet you quickly. I know this is forward, you are absolutely adorable”

▪ “You’re the cutest girl I’ve seen in a long-time. I had to come and say hi quickly” ▪ “Hi, you are very cute, what’s your name?”

Again – whatever (in your own words). Remember, the key factor in direct opening is where it coming from. You’re a happy, confident guy, who was going about his life and you noticed a lovely girl that you wanted to meet. You’re not the unworthy loveable loser who thinks the girl is “sooo pretty!”

Say whatever is fitting for that girl in that situation. Don’t just say the same things over and over, which a lot of guys do with direct openers, memorising one line and saying it over and over again. “Hey I just saw you and thought you were cute, so I thought I’d say hello” is a fantastic opener, but it seems to be incredibly popular here in Melbourne, with many men running around saying it mechanically to everything that moves. Learn to be malleable and versatile in what you say. Adapt to the situation. It’s ok when you’re starting out to have a couple of generic memorised lines in your head that you can use (thus the homework in the last chapter), but you want to work towards being more in the moment and treating each situation and each woman individually.

Don’t Harass People

Again, please don’t stalk anyone. Please don’t be that guy. Be socially intelligent here. Some girls will want to talk, others will not. That’ll never change. Some women are out there dying to be approached by a cool guy. Others are just fine without. You must read her cues quickly, and respect them. If she’s being polite verbally but her body language is telling you that she doesn’t want to be there (watch where her body and feet are pointed), just leave. I really don’t want you out there harassing women, and I also don’t want you being some vulture out there approaching every woman that you see. These techniques are to be used when needed, to enhance your life. Don’t run around the streets causing havoc.

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Your Doubts

As I mentioned in the last chapter, I know a lot of new guys would never consider street approaching as something that could possibly work. People are out during the day doing their own thing and they don’t want to be interrupted, right? Isn’t it weird and creepy to run after a woman, or talk to her on the street?

It can and it does work. Not with every woman, obviously, so you can’t try this once or twice and then conclude that “it doesn’t work!” But with some time and some practice, and with a good personality and a half decent appearance, you would be surprised at how effective this can be. There are some women who would never respond to a stranger saying hello during the day. That’s fine. But there are plenty of women who do respond very well to this ballsy style of approach. Many women see it as a much better alternative than the drunken approaches that they get in bars or the weird/boring/creepy messages they get on Tinder.

Supermarket & Stores

I personally love meeting women in the supermarket because before I could do any of this, I’d very often see beautiful women in supermarkets and I always daydreamed about being able to meet them. I had no idea how easy it actually is to just start talking to them, and to turn those good conversations into dates. Approaching in stores and supermarkets is actually very similar to the street, but arguably better in a way for newbies, since the women are stationary and you have more time to work yourself up to the approach.

Again, you can be direct or observational (what is she looking at), or even something more functional like asking something about the store (as long as you transition it if it goes well). If she responds well to you, just ask some simple things – what she’s up to for the day, what she’s shopping for, introduce yourself, etc. If she’s neutral, meaning that she’s listening to you but appears to be a little hesitant, still proceed, she may just need a moment to warm to you. If she’s cold and doesn’t want to talk to you, or gives you a weird look, or ignores you – simply leave.

If you’re choosing to be direct, again I advise to move on from the opener quickly, and if you are going observational – look at her, look at the items on the shelf, is there something that you can ask about? And then move the conversation forward. Much of my advice here is repeating what I discussed in the ‘street’ section because the same basic principles apply. The only difference is that women are not walking and they’re generally looking at something on a shelf. How you go about the approach logistically doesn’t really matter – you simply walk up next to

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her, while being very considerate of her personal space, and ideally when there aren’t people right next to her, and say “Excuse me …”

Get Used To Feeling Uncomfortable

For some guys, the supermarket or shops are much easier than the street. However, for other guys, it’s much more difficult (that it’s a more closed environment than the street). However, the good turnaround percent is no different than the street. If you approach two women in the supermarket and it doesn’t work out well, it’s not that approaching in the supermarket doesn’t work, it’s just that you’ve not done it enough to really know. It’s no different than approaching two women in a bar and neither of them wanting to talk to you. Bars are still an amazing place to meet women, it just so happens that those two women didn’t want to talk to you.

Again, if she is cold and doesn’t want to talk to you in the supermarket, you have to take a moment to be give yourself props for just trying. You’ll likelyfeel embarrassed and you’ll maybe even feel that you creeped her out. And maybe you did. But that doesn’t matter. As long as you were respectful and friendly, she just wasn’t the girl for you. She isn’t traumatized because you said something to her or asked her something while she was shopping. Women are strong enough to deal with one awkward comment in a store.

This feeling of discomfort is just something that you are going to have to deal with for now. In order to develop these skills and confidence, and meet an amazing woman, or women, you are going to have to learn to deal with some awkward moments. It just goes with the territory. Anyone who is good at this has accidentally creeped a few women, even with the best intentions. But it grows you. If you’re approaching with social intelligence and respect, women won’t mind as much as you think. Men can get very paranoid about day approaching – in particular the supermarket it seems – thinking that they’re bothering women. But again, if you’re approaching women in a natural and non-threatening way, they really don’t care as much as you may think. At worst, she walks off thinking “That was weird” and then just gets on with her shopping. It doesn’t impact her life. The worst-case scenario is that you’re a bit weird and embarrassed. The best-case scenario is that you have an amazing connection and she changes your life. But it’s because of this feeling of shame and embarrassment that most guys will give up. They’re not able to think long-term. So when you’re there in the supermarket, debating an approach, think of the short-term pain compared with long-term gain, and the worst-case scenario compared to the best-case scenario.

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Don’t Overcomplicate It

“Excuse me … I have to ask, did you dye your hair first or buy your pants first?” – that’s a weird opener that I once used in a supermarket on a girl who had the exact same coloured red hair as her jeans. It’s an example of how can say almost anything, and how creative you can be when you look for those opportunities. When I was first starting day game, I used to ask women for recommendations for something to buy for dinner, or for cooking suggestions for a date. Once I even walked around the supermarket asking multiple women if they knew where the gravy was. These are not great openers at all, however they certainly are better than nothing. And if something like that is all that you’re capable of for now, do it. When you’re new, anything that comes out of your mouth is a great opener. A lot of your street openers will work just fine in the supermarket also. I’ve certainly met more than a few women in the street and supermarket by asking where they were from, complimenting some clothing item, by just saying that I wanted to meet them, or by just introducing myself. Again, you’re a man who is attracted to a woman – it’s the most natural and manly thing there is.

So don’t have to overcomplicate it. Yes sure it’s “weird”, but only because other men don’t have the balls to do it (making it a rare occurrence). But most men who do consider all of this weird have never tried it themselves and are simply projecting their own insecurities onto the situation. And most women who consider it weird, actually would respond well to it happening in real life it was their type of guy.

Transitioning, Part 2

Since many guys tend to be more observational in the supermarket or in stores (because there is often more material to use), I need to touch quickly on transitioning again because observational opening without transitioning is just a friendly comment/chat that goes nowhere.

Your opener is just your foot in the door. It doesn’t have to be amazing, it’s just to get the conversation started and to see if she wants to talk to you. However, then you want to transition onto something else. If you start with your observational opener and you then chat about that for a few seconds, you want to follow that up with something else to take the conversation forward. So for example, if you find yourself asking about avocados:

▪ “Excuse me, do you know how long it takes these to ripen?” ▪ “Usually a couple of days”
▪ “Ah right. These are rock hard”

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▪ “Yeah they are”
If she’s responding warmly, many guys stop after “Yeah they are”, but you want to transition it

forward …

▪ “Are you making guacamole too?”
▪ “Hey I really like your scarf” (or whatever) ▪ “What are you out shopping for today?”

Then you’ll find out how open she is to actual conversation.

Watch Out For The Easy Way Out

Something that I see a lot of guys doing is asking about a store’s closing times, or asking for advice on other stores, or pretending that they need advice on buying a gift for someone, etc. This last one especially seems to be a popular option – pretending that you’re buying a present for a sister that they probably don’t even have, and asking a girl for her opinion on it. To me personally, this just seems a bit lame and also somewhat unhelpful to your growth. Overall, I suggest just watching out for ‘empty’ openers. Absolutely they can be transitioned, but remember – if you just dip your toe into the situation, she likely will also, i.e. she won’t give you much back if you aren’t putting much in. If you stand next to her in the supermarket and say something like “It’s a hard choice isn’t it” she’ll likely just look at you and nod. People are in automatic mode. Again, they aren’t inclined to engage in chat with strangers unless they’re specifically engaged and broken out of their daydream. This’s why you want to get that attention and make it a clear comment or question, ideally with some intent behind it, which something like asking for directions or when a shop closes is just not going to have. And if you do use something functional like this, at least try to follow it up with something, i.e. transition. Two points on that …

1. When you have a little bit more skill and experience, you can use these easy types of openers because you’ll know how to easily and naturally transition them into something more, whereas when you’re starting out, you’re likely going to just ask the question and run off, or worse – you’ll be one of those guys that asks a hundred questions about the same thing. For example, asking about a present – “So if I do buy this for her, which size should I get? And you’re sure you like this one? Which colour should I get?” This just digs you further and further into this fabricated situation, which is then very odd to escalate

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from. What’re you going to do, ask multiple questions about your imaginary sister’s present, and then ask for her phone number?

2. As I mentioned before, if these more ‘functional’ easy type of openers are all that you’re capable of doing right now – go for it, use them. I used them when I was starting out, many people used them when they were starting out, and yes they can often be transitioned into something more. I guess I’m just more interested in where it’s coming from. If you feel a sense of shame or embarrassment about approaching and talking to women, so you want to do something much less risky, then I believe that you should instead be working on getting over your fear through more authentic styles of approaching also. So perhaps work on doing both if need be.

Women Working In Stores

I’m asked quite often “How to do I pick up women working in stores?” so let’s discuss that quickly. Note – this can be extended to women working in bars also.

Basically, if you’re chatting with a girl who is working somewhere, and you feel that she’s interested, you can absolutely just ask for her number. She may be another girl struggling to meet a guy. However, you do need to consider that her boss might be lingering around and that there might even be cameras on her. She might indeed like you, but her job is much more important to her. You also really need to remember that these people are paid to be nice to you. I see many guys mistaking this, and thinking that a girl likes them when she’s really just doing her job. Also, her having to deal with you asking her out in front of customers or co- workers is likely as awkward for her as it is for you, so please have some social intelligence here. Be subtle and pick your timing. Even if you’re comfortable with it, she may not be. This is her workplace, and it’s likely much higher up on her priority list than you right now, so maybe don’t go asking her out in front of everyone.

If she works in a place that you go to often, my personal preference is to chat with the girl each time that I’m there, establish some familiarity and connection, and if I’m sensing some interest, I’ll most often ask to add her Facebook (I’ll discuss using Facebook in a later chapter). Sometimes number, sometimes Facebook.

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What if you see a woman that you’d like to talk to, but she’s seated somewhere? Here you have again a few options on what you can say and how you can go about it. Direct, observational, simple questions, functional – all the discussed forms of openers work fine, and with women seated, you also have the additional convenience of being able to sit near them, allowing you to have more of a ‘normal’ natural chit chat. A lot of guys find this much easier that street or store approaching for this reason, they can be seated near her and casually mention or ask something.

As always – do what feels right to you. Some guys prefer to just dive straight in there i.e. they walk over, say hi and engage her. This is fine, just don’t stand over her. I see so many guys approaching seated women and then standing right in front of her, looking down on her. This can be intimidating, invasive and just annoying. Give her space when you approach, and if she engages, just ask if you can sit down for a bit. Other guys (myself included) prefer to actually take a seat near the girl, and then just casually start a conversation. This can be as simple as “Hey how are you?” especially if it’s justified (“Are you waiting for friends too huh?”) however something more observational, or even direct, is generally going to be more effective. Again, no one wants to talk to the crazy person, so something specific to comment on is generally much better received than a random “Hello!” which can often be interpreted “I’m the crazy person”. Just get to the point of you talking to her, because that’s what she’ll be wondering.

When you do sit near her before opening, it’s very important to not sit right next to the girl and invade her space. For example, if she’s there chilling out or reading, and you rock up and sit right next to her, her defences will go up immediately, even if you don’t say anything. Her primary concern will be that you’ll be one of those guys that comes into her space, starts talking and won’t leave. Don’t be that guy. Sit near her, not right next to her, and then just do your own thing for a moment. I generally just play on my phone. Let her register your presence first, and then eventually and casually, ask her something specific, like what she is reading. And not just “What are you reading?” but more “Excuse me … I’m just curious what you’re reading?”

Once again, generally anything that you can think of will be fine here.

“Excuse me …”
▪ “Is your friend running late too?”
▪ “I was just curious, is that a travel journal you’re writing in?
▪ “I’m just curious where are you from? You look like you might not be from here?”

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  • ▪  “It looks like you’re enjoying the view too huh?”
  • ▪  “I just wanted to say that I really like your colour coordination”
  • ▪  “I’m just waiting for my friend, and I hope you don’t mind me saying, you’re very beautiful”

These are of course just examples, but I’m just throwing them out in the hopes that you’re starting to see how to open, and the feel of openers. Again, this is all just my opinion, so do what feels right to you. By this stage I don’t have to tell you that your openers aren’t hugely important. Again, if she’s walking around life wondering why she never meets anyone, then you pop up, and she likes the look and feel of you, then she’ll be open to chatting. If she isn’t, then she won’t give you anything back. So move on. But if you’re walking around with shitty beliefs and a shitty outlook, not much is going to go well for you – and even if it does, you likely won’t notice it because you’re conditioned to see negativity. So work on your inner game and try to come from a good place mentally, then approach a lot, and ask out the women that respond well. It’s all really that simple.

Let Her Know What You’re Doing

As I mentioned briefly in the last chapter, something that I strongly suggest is letting her know why you’re there and what you’re doing. Just have your own reason for being out and about. You want to add this into the conversation soon after it has started. This way, she’ll be much more relaxed and comfortable with you, knowing that you have your own thing to do and you’re not there to latch onto her day. Examples:

  • ▪  “My friend just ducked off to the bathroom, I’m just waiting for him”
  • ▪  “I’m just with a friend over there, and I thought I had come over and say hi to you

quickly”

  • ▪  “I’m just out taking some photos”
  • ▪  “I was just in that café there and I had to come and say…”
  • ▪  “I’m supposed to meet a friend for coffee soon”

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No, this doesn’t mean that you have to lie and say one of these when it’s not true. Even if you are out practicing approaching, it can be something as simple as “I’m just out wandering and enjoying the area. I live just around the corner and it’s so beautiful around here”

More Doubts

I want to address this – again – because I know that there are people reading this right now thinking that this is all rather creepy and ineffective, despite never having started a conversation with a woman during the day before. Many people consider it ok to approach a woman in the bar, but not ok to approach a woman out during the day. I’ve said it enough in this book so far – this is possible. I can tell you from a lot of experience that it’s possible and that it works. You just need to have an open mind because if you go out there just expecting it to never work, it won’t. If you go out there expecting to creep women out, you’ll find yourself doing that (even if you aren’t, you’ll ‘see’ it). I’ve coached many clients who were paranoid of being weird or creepy or bothering people, and who were so convinced that women wouldn’t want to talk to them, that when women actually did respond well, they just blocked it out. I’d be right there watching the interaction and see her positive reaction, but because the client is so convinced that he is being “creepy” that his brain is scanning for evidence of that, often creating it.

I know that this is terrifying to a lot of you. And I also know that when you go out for the first time or the first few times, you’re very likely not going to approach anyone. You’re going to walk around in your head, freaking out. But for now, I just want the seed planted in your mind that this IS possible, and with persistence, positivity and practice, you will get there, and can get whatever it is that you want out of it. Eventually.

Groups

Lastly, there’s approaching groups of women during the day (or, a woman who is with her friends). Some guys actually like the idea of this, thinking that women feel more comfortable around friends, but for other guys, this is considerably harder.

How you should approach groups during the day will vary according to who you ask (as with all of this). For everyone, their approach is different. However personally, I prefer to just go direct. I want to go in, address the whole group first, and then address the girl that I like, giving her the reason that I’m there quite quickly, have a bit of a chat, close (get her number), and leave them to it.

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For example, the last group that I approached, I noticed the girl as I was walking past. I ran back, I excused myself and I asked where they were all from. The girl that I had noticed and what appeared to be her mother had been here for some time, and the other one was visiting from Europe. I then said to the other two “Oh very cool. I’m sorry to interrupt, I just had to come back and say hello to your friend, she is adorable”. They all laughed, so then I moved on from the open, asking what they were doing with the day (I got off the direct open quickly). We chatted as a group for a while about how they were showing their friend around the city, and after about five minutes, I said to the girl that I had noticed “Well once you are done, we could maybe hang out if you like?”. She actually asked if we could “join groups” however since I was working and since it was really only a demonstration for a client, we swapped numbers and I left them to it. She called within an hour. This is a perfect example of how I personally like to go about approaching groups.

As another example, the last ‘group’ (actually just two girls) that my client approached, he simply walking back to them to ask if they were German. He spoke German and he thought he heard the language as they were walking past. Once he had opened and was in chatting with them, I also walked back and spoke with the one that he was less focused on. We spoke with one each individually for about half an hour on the street, and he should have ended it with “Well we should head off to check out this festival down there, but I’d love to catch up with you sometime if you like?”

Some guys like to go into groups and just chit-chat (i.e. not be direct at all) which is fine, but in my opinion you may have girls thinking that you’re a bit intrusive if you just go in for a chat, so personally I prefer to get in, get to the point (whether that’s direct or not), and then leave them to it. Also note that it’s much harder to then actually ask out one of the girls if you’ve gone in and chatted with the whole group (unless you intend on asking them all out and you have wings to help out).

Homework

1. Prepare Yourself For Going Out

Yes, prepare yourself. That is your homework for now. Very soon, your homework will be to actually go out. It’ll be practical homework time where I want you to go out and approach through the day. The time has come. You can read all you like but until you get out there and try this, nothing will change. You won’t grow in this area and you won’t meet anyone. If you’ve waited two years, five years, ten years for your dating life and confidence to improve, and it hasn’t, then it’s not going to unless you do something about it. Again, doing a course or reading

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this book can make you feel like you’re taking action, but you’re not really changing anything unless you put what you’re learning into practice.

I know that ‘preparation’ seems like an odd piece of homework, but I really want you to take a moment to mentally prepare yourself. Psych yourself up, get excited, get nervous, visualise it. Are you nervous? Great! You’re going out to proactively approach women, which is something that most men will never do in their lives. That shit is nerve wracking. You’re finally taking control of this area of your life. Awesome.

Another essential part of this preparation is contacting a wingman (or wingmen) to organise a time and day to go out (unless you prefer to do it on your own) so you might want to organise that now.

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Chapter 18: Conversation – What To Say After You Approach During The Day.

Conversation after you approach a woman during the day is actually a lot simpler than people think, and a lot simpler than many marketers will try to tell you. Conversation is just another area that people love to over-overcomplicate and then sell magic-bullet solutions for.

Pay Attention To Her Receptivity

The first thing that you need to do after you approach, is to just be aware of her receptivity. Has she stopped to talk to you? Is she facing you or is she pulling away? Is she unresponsive, or is she warm and open? How is her overall vibe towards you? These early signs of receptivity (or lack of) are your biggest indicators of where the interaction is going to go, so you should be paying much more attention to that than what you’re actually saying. If those green lights are there at the start, then it matters very little what you say. If she’s all red lights (i.e. she’s closed off), then it also matters very little what you say.

So chill out and try to stay calm. This will help you pay attention to if she’s actually wanting to talk to you or not. It’ll only take a couple of seconds to pick it up, and it’ll tell you almost everything that you need to know. Read her face, read her body, read her vibe – what’s it telling you? How open she is? How’re you feeling in her presence?

Expect Her To Be Neutral

Again, very often a guy that I’m coaching will leave an approach immediately because the woman didn’t jump for joy when he approached her. Just because she may seem a little startled at your approach, or has a “What the?” look on her face, that doesn’t mean that she necessarily wants you to leave. She may very well just be surprised that you’re talking to her. Remember, she was just going about her day and then you popped up. So actually expect a neutral response a lot of the time. Just give her a few seconds to warm up (or not). She also may even be nervous herself. If she’s single and wanting to meet a nice guy, and you’re a nice

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guy that she finds attractive, she may actually be thinking “Don’t say anything stupid” to herself just as much as you are. So don’t be so quick to leave if she’s a little puzzled, startled or just neutral when you first approach her. There is a big difference between neutral and negative, and it becomes much more obvious with more experience.

Keep It Simple

You want to keep your conversation simple. Again, she’s responding to you more than what you are saying (are you getting sick of me saying that yet?). If she’s wanting to meet a guy, and you fit her bill, then she’ll very likely be open for a chat with you. You don’t need to complicate it. In fact, trying to be technical will likely work against you. This is what drives me nuts about the pick-up industry – “Create attraction” – “Create a deep rapport” – “Be flirty and funny” For the most-part, it’s all bullshit. Firstly, if you’re not saying what’s naturally popping into your mind, and instead you’re trying to be interesting, or funny, or cocky, or whatever, then your mind will very likely go blank and you’ll ‘run out of things to say’. You could’ve just asked what she’s shopping for today or her name.

All too often I see guys trying so hard to make their conversation amazing that they either freeze up and say nothing, or they say something way out there, trying to be “different”, but it confuses the girl (or tells her right away that he’s trying way too hard). Technical game is mostly weird and annoying, and it’s most often too hard for her to work with. She doesn’t want to be analysed on the street or in the store, she doesn’t want to hear your long-winded DHV story, she likely doesn’t want you teasing her outfit in the library, she actually just wants you to ask how her day is going and be NORMAL. She wants natural and flowing conversation, and something that’s easy to reply to. She wants to hear something that a normal and self-assured guy would say, not some try-hard pick-up artist’s routines.

I often see guys walking away from a good interaction thinking that their technique or pick-up line worked, when the reality is that the girl was open and friendly, and she liked the guy. Had he just said “Hello” and made some simple chit-chat, it would have been the same positive outcome.

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Small Talk Is Fine

There’s nothing wrong with small talk. Topics themselves aren’t boring, it’s the person talking that makes them interesting or boring. Small talk is just what’s going on on the surface level while you’re both subconsciously figuring each other out. If you have a genuine interest in getting to know the person, this will show, so you should try to see the woman in front of you as the 20, 30, 40 year old novel that she is. There’s so much that you could learn about her. There’s always going to be enough to ask about. And actually care about what you’re asking her. Actually give a shit. Listen to what she’s saying. Use what she’s saying. If she tells you that she’s a hairdresser, don’t move onto the next topic – ask her if she likes doing that, what it is that she likes about it. Small talk is how you get to know people, so don’t think that you need to go in there and discuss Plato’s Republic or the meaning of life. Ultimately, you have no idea who you’re talking to. This woman could shut you down in five seconds, or she could be the love of your life.

Note – remember that the first thing that ANY girl is going to think when you approach her anywhere during the day is “What does this person want?” / “Why is this person talking to me?”. So a reminder – if you can let her know what you’re doing yourself early on, maybe even why you came to talk to her, that will really help her relax a little more, and allow her to engage more in your chat.

It Comes With Experience

The more that you do this, the more comfortable you’ll get with conversation. And when you’re comfortable, you’ll enjoy it more. Also you’ll notice more things to comment on, so you won’t be so in your head wondering what to say next. A stressed mind is not a flowing mind. Think of how easy conversation is you’re your closest friend. It all comes down to comfort, so with more experience, conversation won’t be an issue at all. It’s the pressure that you put on yourself to make conversation that actually results in you “running out of things to say”. So be patient and try to take the pressure off. It’s just a chit-chat with a woman in a supermarket – you aren’t addressing the UN. It doesn’t need to be profound or funny, you don’t need to be cocky, you don’t need to even be interesting. All you need is some enthusiasm and to just keep the conversation going. You approached her, that’s your job. The small talk that most men are so paranoid about, is actually exactly what they need to be doing.

Consider working on your conversation as building up a muscle. When you first walk into a gym, you likely can’t lift much at all. But overtime, when you build up those muscles, you can hold

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weight for much longer. It’s very similar here. Once this ‘muscle’ is strong, you’ll never run out of stuff to say. So don’t just think “Oh I’ve run out of things to say” and walk off from an approach, that’s such a common excuse to not even try. Stay in there and push yourself a little, build up that muscle. You’ll be amazed at what your brain can come up with when you just refuse to let yourself walk off.

Worrying About What To Say Next

If you’re stressing about running out things to say or what to talk about next, then your problem is more than anything else, one or more of these five points …

  1. You simply need to practice more. This is the unpopular truth. You just need to have more conversations with strangers. This is a skill that you learn. So often I see guys walking away from interactions saying “Oh I suck at conversation!” to which I say “Yeah, because you’ve not done it before!” You don’t just pick up a guitar and play Stairway to Heaven – it’s something that you need to practice. As you get more comfortable, your conversation will just naturally improve. And it improves a lot. So for now, have patience and keep at it.
  2. You need to relax more and be more in the moment. Try not to think ahead, try to not think of what could happen, try to not think of what she may be thinking. Just try to relax and stay present. Yes, this is easier said than done, I know, but if you can relax your body and pay attention to your breath, it will help you. A tense body means a tense mind, and a tense mind means stifled conversation. This is where the meditation from section 1 will really help.
  3. You need to value yourself more. A lot of your concern about what to say and making interesting conversation stems from you thinking that you aren’t good enough for her. You’re thinking that she’s better than you, so you have to impress her. This is why a lot of guys go just fine with women that they aren’t attracted to, but can’t get anything from women that they are attracted to. Stop trying to impress people. You really do need to start realising that you’re enough just as you are, and that even your small talk is interesting, just because it’s coming from you.
  4. You need to develop faith and really understand that you’ll click with some girls, and not with others. We’ve covered this a lot, but it really needs to sink in. You need to be ok with some interactions not going ok, because the more you are ok with this, the more likely they are to go well. Women will feel that you don’t need their validation. Also,

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you’ll be much better equipped mentally to walk away from a shit conversation without taking it personally. All of this means less pressure on yourself, and again, less pressure means more naturally flowing conversation.

5. With more experience, you’ll start to find yourself in similar situations. Talking to a girl on the street, talking to a woman in a bar, talking to a woman in a supermarket – you really only have to experience each of those situations a few times before you start saying similar things, getting similar responses and having similar interactions. You’ll start to feel more confident because it’ll all feel familiar. There are only so many times that you can approach a girl in a certain situation before you start saying the same types of things, so you’ll build up a toolbox of questions, answers, comments, etc.

Specifics

So let’s get to some more practical advice. Imagine that you’ve walked up to a woman in a shop, and you’ve said “Excuse me … hi, I just wanted to say that I really like your tattoo”, then she turns to look at you, she gives a smile, and says “Thank you”. Ok – where to from here?

Well, the most obvious option here is to just continue what you’ve used to start the conversation. Maybe in this case something like:

▪ “Did you have it done here?”
▪ “What does it mean, if you don’t mind me asking?” ▪ “Is that your only tattoo?”

You approached her, she was warm and receptive you, so now don’t just let it die off, don’t just stand there in an awkward silence, and don’t just walk off. Say anything, say anything. And again, with these more observational type of approaches, you really want to transition them quickly to something else soon, otherwise she may very well think that you’re just a nice guy giving her a compliment (and not actually wanting to get to know her or ask her out). You might transition it to asking what she is shopping for today, you might ask if she is a from here (again, something I use a lot in Melbourne, since there are so many tourists), you could ask something about the shop, or you could even just introduce yourself. If you’ve been more direct in your approach – “Excuse me, I know this is random, but I just really wanted to say hi to you, you’re really cute” – and she smiles at you, it’s the same thing – introduce yourself and then get to normal conversation – “So what’re you shopping for today?” “Are you from around here?” –

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“What do you do if you don’t mind me asking?” Remember – keep it simple. Again, conversation is just what’s happening on the surface level, while what’s really happening is that you’re checking each other out on a much deeper level. While you’re talking about jobs, and interests, and travels, your minds are actually scanning each other for information to see if you are compatible with each other.

Ask Questions

Questions get a bad rap in the dating world. Yes, if you’re hammering out question after question after question and you don’t really care about what you’re asking, then that isn’t good. You’ll come across as desperate, insincere and boring. But if you legitimately are interested in getting to know the woman in front of you, then your questions will come across much better. If you actually give a shit about what you’re asking, then questions will have a completely different vibe and feel to them. It’s about being interested in her and really listening. It’s about using what she’s giving you, rather than just moving on to the next question. If you ask what she does and she says that she is working in a café while also studying, then you move onto “Cool, so what’re you up to today?” – that conversation is dead. She’ll see that you just don’t get it, and that don’t actually care. Instead, you can riff off the two topics mentioned – working in a café and studying. There’s so much to ask about those. So use what you’re getting. Pick out the key words and topics from what she’s saying. Generally if a girl likes you, she’ll give you a lot of information in her answers (the more for you to use). If a girl isn’t interested in talking to you, she won’t give you much to work with (very closed off answers, lots of just “yes” and “no”).

Personally, when I’m talking to women, I ask a lot of questions. In my mind, I’m thinking “Who is this girl? Do I like her? Do I click with her? Is she cool? Do we have similarities? Do I want to spend my time with her?” I’m asking questions because I’m trying to put the pieces of this girl together, I’m not just trying to fill space and keep the conversation going. I’m asking things for a purpose, so the frame from which my questions come from is completely different to a guy just asking questions out of some sense of duty, or hoping that the girl will talk back to him. I’m asking what I actually want to know about her. Then maybe I’ll relate it back to something about myself, and one topic will lead to another. There’ll often be tangents, then returns. I’ll talk about her day, then go off into job or interests territory, then come back to her day. This is conversational threading – it weaves here and there. The conversation feeds off itself. And if she likes you, she’ll be contributing to that.

“Asking questions is like a job interview” – I hear that often. Yes! It should be like a job interview. You’re interviewing her for a potential place in your life. Also, again, how you feel

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about yourself will hugely dictate the result of you asking her questions. There is a social hierarchy. To deny that is naive. And your place in that hierarchy largely comes down to how you feel about yourself. This affects dating and conversation a lot, and it’s why one man can go out and ask a woman a bunch of questions and end up in bed with her or dating her, and another will bore her to death.

More Specific Conversational Tips

  1. Don’t think that you have to be “gaming” her. If you’ve read a lot of pick-up books or watched videos on YouTube, letting go of the idea that you need to be interesting or funny or cocky or teasing, etc. is going to be a hard habit to break. You might not even believe me just yet and are still there thinking that you need to show her your value or create attraction. You really don’t have to. The real you is always coming through, and that’s what she’s connecting with, or not.

Even right now as I type this chapter out, one of my clients is asking for some text advice. He keeps texting to women things like “Had a massive weekend! Now going to another party! How are you?”. He’s not getting results from this style of texting because it wreaks of desperation and trying way too hard. Instead, I recommended he just say “Hey how is your new job going?” – the new job that she mentioned three texts back which he ignored.

Would a high-quality guy who knows that he’s “the shit” need to be gaming the girl? No. He knows that he’s enough. And this comes through more than anything said. So most often, less is more.

  1. Also talk about things that interest YOU. Often men get so caught up in trying to win the woman over that they’re too paranoid to ever talk about what actually interests them. Women respond to passionate men. And you’re passionate and enthusiastic when you’re talking about what interests you. Chances are, if you’re boring – be it on a date or in a conversation – then you’re likely just bored yourself. Obviously don’t talk endlessly about yourself and your pursuits, definitely ask about her and get her talking so you can learn about her, but also talk about what you actually want to be talking about.

Cover a lot of topics. Don’t stagnate the conversation. Move from one topic to another. Flow. Again, you’re putting the puzzle of this girl together, so gather a lot of pieces of that puzzle. Very often nervous men will stumble across one topic that the girl seems to

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like, so they’ll whip it to death. For example, once a client and I were chatting with two women individually (who were friends), and in the hour that we were there, I had chatted about everything from her work, to her childhood, to her ambitions, whereas he had spoken about one thing – her work. He saw early on that she was passionate about her work, so he just stuck on that as a safe topic for an hour. One conversation thrived while the other died.

Talk about each topic to its full extent, delve into it, and then when the time comes to move on – move on. You need to find the balance between not delving into topics at all (skimming across the surface), and banging on for hours on the same topic because you know that she initially liked that topic. Find a happy medium, keep the conversation flowing and fresh, and pay attention to the vibe and the energy of the conversation. If you both love business, and after an hour of business conversation the vibe is still good – keep talking about it. However, if it’s starting to ease off, move the conversation forward. Very often in conversation I’ll even just say “So what else?”

Me – “So what else?”
Her – “What do you mean?”
Me – “What else about you?”
Her – “What do you want to know?”
Me – “I dunno, cool shit about you. What’s your favourite thing about yourself?” And we’re off and into another topic.

  1. Use what she’s giving you (i.e. listen). If the girl tells you that she’s an accountant, or rides horses, or came out straight out tonight after work – use it! Pick the words and topics out of what she’s saying, then ask her about it, comment on it, relate to it. This is how a good conversation unfolds, how you get much deeper, and how you actually create a connection, as opposed to just skimming across the surface.
  2. You want to be directing the conversation to a phone number/asking her out. Throughout the conversation, you want to be looking for reasons to close (i.e. ask her out/get her phone number). If you’re having a good chat, rather than just talking around in circles (which is what many men do), you want to be looking for reasons that justify asking her out or asking for her phone number (or even taking her on a date then and

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there). This could be a common interest, or that she is travelling through your city – whatever. I had a client recently have a girl say to him in the first five minutes of conversation that she had just moved to his suburb and found it quite boring. He should have noted that in his mind for later – “Well I need to get back to my friends, but hey, since we’re neighbours now, I should grab your number. I can show you some places, since you’re so bored” Don’t ask her out the moment that you hear the reason – that can come off as incredibly desperate – just slot it in the back of your mind for towards the end of the conversation. And if there’s nothing that you can see, the simple fact that you like her and think she’s cool is enough – “Well I should get back to my shopping, but hey it was nice talking to you. Do you want to grab a drink sometime, you seem very cool” (I’ll cover closing more in another chapter).

Homework

1. Follow Up Questions

Once again, I really want to stress that as you improve in this and get more comfortable, your conversational ability will improve naturally from just from doing it. You won’t need anything memorised, you’ll be in the moment and chat easily. But for now, you’re probably going to go blank when you first approach a girl. So to assist you here, I want you to write down five generic questions that you could use in any day situation. Simple questions like “What are you up to today?” or “So what do you do with yourself?”

Please don’t make these weird, wonderful or complicated – you want simple and generic questions so that you can apply them in a variety of situations, if your brain does decide to bail on you in that crucial moment. And no, generic questions are not “boring”, and no, not “every guy says that”. The vast majority of guys will never even approach a woman during the day, let alone have an actual conversation with her.

So think of and write down five simple questions that you can use in a day conversation with a woman – ideally something that interests you somewhat. For instance, I love finding out what a woman does for work because it tells me a lot about her, so that’ll always make it into the conversation. It doesn’t matter if your questions are not related at all because you’re likely not going to use all five in a conversation. In fact, ideally you won’t use any of them – these are just ‘fall back lines’ (as I like to call them). In case you do run out of conversation, you can fall back on these to kick-start the conversation again. You could be chatting about what she’s doing with the day and then ask what she does for work, or what she does for fun, or if she’s a local, etc. Your interactions will become smoother as you practice more, but for now, your

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conversation may indeed be a little all over the place, especially if you’re not a chatty, social person. Day interactions are generally quick, so it’s completely ok to go in, ask a few questions, and ask her out if there is some mutual interest there.

2. Go Speed Dating

Book in to go speed dating. If this is something that happens in your city, you’ll find it by just searching online. In speed dating, you’ll have 10-20 opportunities in one night to practice your conversation skills. It’s a great way to become more familiar and comfortable with the initial conversation, without even having to approach. Of course, there’s also the added bonus of possibly getting some dates out of it.

This book is certainly much more about learning how to meet women in real life, which in my opinion is the best and most productive way of meeting quality women and actually getting dates (as well as growing internally), but an evening of speed dating can still be both fun and beneficial for your conversation skills. So if it’s available in your area, book it in.

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Chapter 19: Getting Phone Numbers & Instant Dates.

As a coach, one thing that really drives me crazy is when a guy works up the balls to approach, and the interaction goes well, but then he just walks away without asking for her phone number. If you’re in the interaction, you’ve already done the hardest part (the approach), so if you’ve struck it lucky with a girl responding well to you – don’t just walk off. Remember, if you’re having a good chat, and she’s single, then she likely wants the same thing as you, so don’t disappoint the both of you by not asking her out. The worst-case scenario is that she says no, vs. the best-case scenario – she changes your life. It’s worth the risk.

No Pressure

Asking for a phone number doesn’t have to be complicated. You don’t have to have done or said specific things in order to be allowed to ask for it, and you don’t have to have spoken to her for a specific amount of time. It really doesn’t take much, it’s as simple as saying something like “Well I need to get back to my shopping. But you seem really cool, do you want to grab a drink sometime?”

Personally, I don’t like to ask women out for a “date” per-se because I believe that one of the main concerns for a woman giving out her phone number is that many guys can get desperate, weird, and can’t take no for an answer. They start texting too much and putting pressure on her to meet up, often falling in love after just one date, leaving the girl having to get rid of them and hurting them. So you want to be a little more chilled out and not trigger that potential concern in her. You really want to get to a place where you’re legitimately not too bothered if she isn’t interested in going out with you, as this’ll really come through – she won’t feel any pressure. And also with that mindset, you’ll be in a significantly better place mentally for dates (which I’ll discuss in an upcoming chapter).

Just Ask

If the interaction is going well, just ask her out, ask for her phone number. It doesn’t really matter how, if she likes you, she’ll agree, if she doesn’t, she either won’t (or give you a flaky

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number). Something specific that I would advise when getting a number is to justify asking for it. That’s to say, you don’t want to be talking about avocados in the fresh food section of a supermarket and then out of nowhere say “Can I have your number?” Instead, finish the conversation with something like “Ok I’d better let you get back to your shopping, but it’s been nice talking to you. I know this is a bit random, but could I interest you in a drink sometime?” or – “Well good luck with your shopping. You seem really cool. Are you on Facebook maybe?” (I’ll discuss Facebook much more in another chapter).

Common Problems With Getting Phone Numbers

1. Thinking That There’s A Checklist

Many guys think that there’s some kind of ‘conversational checklist’ that they must get through before they’re allowed to ask for a number. They think that they have to have built attraction, created interest, built rapport, etc. before they should ask. Nope! It’s actually not necessary. If you like her and you’re having a decent conversation, and you feel that there’s some mutual interest there – simply ask. Let go of your ego, stop being so precious, stop overcomplicating it, and just ask. Again, if she’s happily chatting with you, and she’s single, she may be wanting you to ask. However, you MUST to be ok if she says no. Don’t push, don’t persist. Again, this is not a “shit test”. Just move on. You had a great chat with a random beautiful woman. Go you! That’s awesome. If it ends there, that’s still great work. Now just go and do it again with someone else.

2. Conversation Validation

Guys very often start to feel so good from the interaction itself that they don’t want to risk losing that good feeling by asking for a phone number and potentially getting rejected. Ironically, so many guys would actually rather walk away from a great interaction thinking “That went really well” than to go that little bit further and see if they can make a date of it. I couldn’t count how many times a client has returned to me from a good chat, I’ve made him go back and ask for her number – “Hey I was just leaving and I thought I should come and ask if you might want to grab a drink sometime?” – and he has gotten it. A good conversation is a fantastic outcome when you’re new, but if you never ask for phone numbers, then you’re never going to see any of these women again. And besides all the growth that’s happening when you approach, meeting some lovely ladies is kinda the point of all of this.

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3. Time Frame

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Guys very often think that they need to talk to a girl for a specific amount of time (i.e. a long time) before they’re allowed to ask her out, or ask for her phone number (or Facebook). But this is just not true. I’ve dated women that I’ve spoken to for literally two minutes before getting their number. Again, so much of the result comes down to her – if she’s open to meeting someone at that time, and if you fit her type, it’ll very likely be on. And she has decided if she likes you or not in under a minute, generally. That’s not to say to rush the conversation and try to get the phone number as soon as possible – this’ll lead to you getting a lot of flakes (where she doesn’t contact you back) – but if you’ve had a chat for a few minutes with a cute girl on the street, and you feel that it’s coming to an end, just ask her out – “Ok I have to get back to my friend. Hey this is a random question I know, but do you want to catch up sometime and continue this chat?”

Instant-Dates

An alternative to getting a phone number is an ‘instant-date’. This is exactly as it sounds – when you go and do something with the girl then and there, right after meeting her. It’s a date, that’s instant. This is particularly great for travellers who often are just wandering around not doing much, and also for woman who are just not up to much that day. You can go grab a coffee with her, show her something in the city, even just walk around with her. If you’re having a good conversation, and you’ve gathered that this girl isn’t up to much in particular, or has some time to kill, you can ask something like “Hey if you’re not doing anything right now, I was just going to grab a coffee if you want to come?”

Yes, this really is very possible, and something that I’ve seen many of my clients do many times. I’ll often see new clients walk away from a great conversation with a girl who appears to not be doing anything, so I’ll send them back to ask if she’d like to do something. And often enough, to their amazement, the girl happily agrees and off they go. When you’re new to this, you’ll miss a lot of these opportunities simply because you’ll have never considered it to be possible. You won’t ask for the girl’s phone number because getting a phone number from a girl that you spoke with on the train for five minutes, just doesn’t seem possible. Going on an instant-date with a girl who is on her work lunch break just seems crazy. But you have to start re- conditioning your mind and looking for these opportunities.

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Obviously, don’t ask her for an instant-date immediately. Just like asking for phone numbers, don’t become so obsessed with the idea that that’s all you focus on in the interaction. Just chat with her as normal, as if you’re both going to walk away at the end, then if it’s going well and you’ve established that you both aren’t up to much, just ask if she would like to do something. Don’t push for it. Again, focus on the conversation and connection itself. Instant-dates are rare, so don’t be thinking of them in every interaction. Most of the time, the woman that you’re talking to will be out doing something, however you need to learn how to spot the opportunity when it is there.

Also, instant-dates aren’t necessary. They aren’t something that you need to learn how to do. You’ll do just fine getting phone numbers. Personally, I don’t like instant-dates. I much prefer to get numbers because if I’m out and about, that means I’m doing something (mostly coaching). But I do know many guys who prefer instant-dates if the opportunity is there.

Don’t Be The Creep

I really need to point out something that’ll be obvious to most of you. In regards to instant- dates, do NOT be that creepy guy that invites himself along to wherever she’s going, or the guy that just starts walking with her, etc. This is not what an instant-date is. There’s no pressure on an instant-date. It’s something that you’ve mutually agreed upon. It needs to be very clear that you’re doing something together. Invite her along with you, don’t invite yourself along with her. This should be obvious, and I’m sure that it is to most of you, but I really want to clarify it as I’ve seen it enough times where a guy approaches a girl, doesn’t read her signs of disinterest, and then says something like “Cool, well I will walk you to the train station” Just – no.

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Summary

It’s your job as the man to initiate things. This is not just an evil societal thing, women are wired to be attracted to men who take control of situations. Don’t just walk off if you’re having a good chat – ask for her out, ask for her phone number, invite her out somewhere. Take the risk. Put your balls on the line. This ability to take a chance is very attractive to women. She’ll likely think more of you for just having a crack – even if she says no. You’ve done the hard work, and it’ll be essentially for nothing if you walk away from it. Again, sure there’s the growth which is awesome, but wouldn’t growth and a date be good?

Remember, if you’re getting along, she likely wants the same thing as you. Maybe she’s just being friendly to you, or maybe she hasn’t had sex in a year. She wants you to ask. Dating is just as much a pain in the arse for women as it is for men.

So it doesn’t matter how you word it, it doesn’t matter if it comes out wrong, just be sure to end all good interactions by asking the girl out. I know many guys who are great at approaching and conversation, but their ego prevents them from taking it that step further. I’ve also seen plenty of women disappointed by guys not asking for phone numbers. Again, the worst-case scenario is that she says no. What a tragedy! I’m sure that you can deal with that. Getting a “No” and walking off knowing that you did all that you could, is much better than walking away wondering who she could have been.

Homework

1. Create Your Closing Line

I want you to write out a very generic way that you can ask for a phone number in any day situation – something that you can memorise. I know that I said that it doesn’t matter how you word it, and to not focus on what specifically to say, which is 100% true, but again – that’s the place that you want to get to. As you get better, you won’t need this, but when you’re new, leaving a good conversation because you didn’t know how to ask is highly likely. So you might benefit from having something memorised.

An example might be simply “It was nice meeting you. I need to get back to (X). But could I invite you out for a coffee sometime?” Yes, it can be that simple. However, I want you to write it out in words that feel congruent to you. To some people “coffee” might sound lame, to others, that sounds fine – so use your own words. It won’t affect the outcome. Make sure that it’s

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something simple and something generic so that you can use it in all situations. Then commit it to memory.

2. Practice Interaction

Now, run through the whole structure of your hypothetical interaction. Start with one of the day openers that you wrote out, then a couple of the generic questions that you wrote out, and then your closing line. Practice this for a few minutes, ideally aloud to yourself.

Again, I need to stress that this is not something that you will always need to do. In fact, memorised lines in the long-run work against you, but to “just do it” when you’re completely new is rather idyllic advice. These few memorised lines are a simple base foundation for you to get started. You’ll likely go out and find yourself in interactions where you don’t even use any of this, which is great – but at least you have that backbone of an interaction there if you need to fall back on it. And don’t go into interactions determined to stick with your script – just fall back on it if and when you need it (i.e. when your mind goes blank).

Many of you reading this are likely well beyond this homework activity, which is awesome. Like I’ve said, take from the book what you find handy and skip what you don’t. I hope that you still got some new tips and information out of this chapter. If you’re asking for numbers but not getting any results, it may only take one or two things (like justifying the close for example) to improve your turn around.

3. Go Out!

I want you to go out – today, tomorrow, or as soon as you can – to a supermarket, a shopping mall, a busy street, a festival, anywhere there are women, and I want you to commit to trying 2- 3 approaches. I love coaching because I can be there with my clients to motivate them, to show them how to approach, and to guide them step by step – but I can’t do that in a book (obviously), so it’s all on you, sunshine. You need to motivate yourself and be your own coach. However, this really isn’t a bad thing. Being able to motivate yourself and push yourself is the most important thing in life in my opinion. If you take in all of this information with an open mind and just make some small steps forward – your whole life and mentality will change.

So commit to trying just a couple of approaches. Be sure to give yourself a LOT of time to do this, because if you’ve never done it before, it’s going to be hard for you. Listen to some inspiring audios while you’re walking around if it helps (it did for me back in the day). But the main key to getting this done is to commit to doing it before you actually leave the house. This is why you will need the large amount of time, because if you make the commitment to do two

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or three approaches, it could take you hours before you actually do it. You’ll likely walk past several good opportunities before you work up the ability to do one, and that’s fine.

The first approach will be the hardest, so I highly recommend just finding anyone to approach to just get started. It doesn’t have to be the perfect situation, it doesn’t have to be the perfect girl, it certainly doesn’t have to be the perfect opener – just get that first one out of the way to get you started. It can be the simplest of approaches – a question, a compliment, an observation, a functional question – anything. The sooner that you do it, the sooner you can go home.

Another key here is to not look at women and think “I’m not sure I would date her” or “I’m not sure she is my type” If you do that, you’ll walk around for hours dismissing perfectly fine opportunities to practice, and when you do see your perfect girl, you probably still won’t approach her because you’ll be in a cold state from not talking to anyone. Actually doing it is the only thing that will get you out of your head. And this is just you learning the skill of approaching women, having better conversations, improving social skills, becoming more confident – you very likely aren’t going to marry or date any of these women just yet, so don’t be too picky here.

Another important key is to not get down on yourself if this takes a while to do, or if you find it hard, or if you walk past multiple opportunities, or even if you don’t do anything for your first few times. It’s ok, take your time. I recall walking around for hours before I could even manage one approach. If you let one opportunity go, that’s fine, just try again. If you’re frozen and staring at a girl for a while wondering if you should talk to her – that’s fine. If you do it, great. If not, totally fine. Sometimes it takes a few attempts to even approach one woman. If you’re really struggling, one thing that I recommend to some clients is to just walk near the girl. You don’t have to even say anything. By just walking near her, approaching her without actually approaching her, you’re starting to recondition your mind to take some action. If there is a woman in a supermarket that you would like to talk to, but you’re struggling to do so – you could start by just walking past her in the isle. If you walk past a woman, but can’t quite muster up the courage to say anything, just turn back and walk in the same direction as her for a little while. This is still helping to some degree. Again, don’t go stalking or harassing anyone here, just get moving. You’ll likely feel the most anxiety when you’re standing there frozen. So just get moving, even if you don’t actually talk to her.

You can do this on your own if you like, but it’s going to be probably much easier and more enjoyable with a wingman. So do whichever you prefer – alone or with someone. And take as long as you need. They can be absolutely dismal approaches, you can be totally ignored, you can say something stupid – that’s all fine. They’re still successes. You’ve still grown a little and done more than most guys ever will. So go out and get rejected. Even if the interaction lasts

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only a few awkward and painful seconds – you have about 2 billion more seconds of your life, so keep it all in perspective.

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Section 6

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Chapter 20: Meeting Women In Bars.

Despite the negative clichés, there are many positives and benefits to going to bars to meet women. People seem to think that you’d never meet any woman of quality in a bar, that women will be drunk, that it’ll be loud, that you’ll have to dance, that you’ll have to spend a fortune on drinks and that you’ll have to stay out all night. But often this is one’s own insecurities projected onto the situation. Most men have simply not experienced a good night out meeting women in bars (because they’ve not tried anything beyond walking in the front door), so will find a reason to justify it not working for them. But when done correctly, I guarantee you that you can absolutely meet some amazing women in bars – and not spend a fortune, and not stay out all night. Women out with friends, women who came out to dance, women enjoying a drink after work, women who have even *gasp* came out to meet a guy. High quality women leading high quality lives. Yes, they go out too. They do have social lives.

So if you’re wanting to meet more women and to improve yourself socially, bars are the perfect place to start. I know what you may be thinking – “But I’m not a bar type of guy. I don’t go out to bars”. Well, for now, deal with it. The outcome of becoming a more confident and more social savvy man, who is better with women, who is having more sex, who has women in his life, far outweigh any short-term bother that you might feel. And if you’re really that ‘anti-bar’, then you’re very likely going to the wrong ones, at the wrong times, and with the wrong attitude. I wasn’t ever a huge bar or clubby guy myself – but you don’t have to be. Ultimately, if you were going fishing, you’d want to go to the richest ponds. And it’s the same in dating.

Why Bars Are Great For Meeting Women

  1. Bars are high traffic areas. You can go to a decent bar and be surrounded by multiple women – all of whom you can meet. Then you can go to a different bar and be surrounded by a whole bunch more. Also, in bars you generally don’t have to walk around looking for women like you often have to through the day.
  2. Social interaction is expected in bars. Here is a place where it’s considered completely normal to approach complete strangers and just start conversations with them. Through the day, you need to give more of a reason for talking to women because it’s just not

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done that often. At night “Hey guys how’s it going?” is a perfectly fine (and very effective) way to approach a women or group of women. Society says that it’s normal to do this, so it’s much more accepted, and thus, much simpler.

3. Single women go to bars. What is the first place that a newly single woman goes to? Where do single women go to meet guys? Where does a girl take her best friend when she’s trying to get her back in the game? Where do horny women go to pick up? Yep – bars. And before you say that that sounds desperate, that’s just not true. It’s not the venue that’s determining who you attract, it’s you. You attract people who are similar to you, so if you go anywhere with a shitty mindset, then you are going to meet the crazies, the desperate ones, the gold-diggers, etc.

In fact, at the very moment of writing this chapter, this week I was speaking with a beautiful and friendly neurologist in a bar. She was there for her friend’s birthday. Does her job make her better than anyone else? No, not at all. But it’s just one of many examples that shatter any notion of only low quality girls being in bars. In the right bars, there are lots of quality single social women. And with the right mindset, you can meet and interact with them.

  1. Bars are great practice areas for ‘real life’. If you develop your ability to approach people, socialise, and make conversations in bars, this very easily carries over to more ‘normal’ things like social events, house parties, BBQs, etc. That girl in your Latin dancing class is significantly easier to talk to if you’ve already spoken to plenty of women in bars before.

Learning to approach and interact with women in bars will improve your ability to meet women in general, in all areas, and it’ll also teach you subtle social cues. You’ll learn how to read people and situations much better, which again, will help you in all areas of life.

  1. You can wipe out a lot in bars and no one really cares. Yes, people are generally aware of what’s going on around them, however a guy approaching a girl is nothing that would raise an eyebrow in a bar. People are far less concerned about you approaching (or getting rejected) than you think. It happens enough in bars to be normal. And most people don’t even notice you. So bars are a great place to put on your training wheels and get rollin’.

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No, not everyone will “know what you are doing” (a common paranoia). Not everyone will notice you approaching women if you’re smart and do it in a relaxed and natural way (i.e. not run around the bar like a frantic vulture). Again, they’ll either not notice, or not really care because that’s just what happens in bars – women get approached.

Bars are almost like a false reality – a video game if you will – with music, alcohol, lights, stimulations, personas, etc. so you can totally suck at approaching and conversation and no-one really cares. And you’re likely not going to be the worse approach that a woman experiences that night. Shit approaches happen to women all the time in bars. Also, bars often have a good turnover of people, so there can be a whole new crowd of people in an hour or two.

3. You can re-approach. I’ll cover this much more later, but the ability to chat with a girl for a little while, establish a bit of a connection, then leave (for whatever reason), and then re-approach her later that night is very powerful. It’s also handy for newbies who will often run out of things to say, or walk off on the girl without asking her out – they can give it another shot later.

Summary

Going to bars to meet women is great in so many ways. Bars are the perfect training grounds to get good at meeting women and to become more confident in yourself. And there are bars that cater to everyone, so even if you’re in your 40s or 50s or even 60s, if you’re in a decent sized town, there’ll be a bar that you can go to.

Bars are flooded every weekend with single women wanting to meet men, so in my opinion, wanting to meet women and not going to bars is like wanting to get ripped and not going to the gym.

And as I mentioned in the day approaching section, if you prefer meeting women during the day and you really do dislike bars and night game – that’s totally fine. I know plenty of guys who are great with women but never go to bars.

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Homework

1. Your Benefits & Concerns Of Meeting Women At Night

I want you to do the same exercise that you did for meeting women through the day, so …

Step 1

Write down a number of reasons why you think that meeting women in a bar could be beneficial to you specifically. Try to come up with ten. Maybe you’re so busy through the week that you’re only free time is on weekends. Maybe you actually like going out for a drink. Maybe you live in a city with a lot of cool bars. Maybe you feel like you could get rejected there and feel less uncomfortable. Maybe you’re just more social in a night environment. Maybe you want more one night stands, which tend to happen more in bars. Whatever it is to you, write it down. The more positivity you associate to going out, the easier you’ll find it.

Step 2

Now write down what concerns you might have about meeting women in bars, and then challenge those concerns. So write down your concerns and then follow it with a logical argument against those concerns. Examples might be:

Concern – “I just don’t like bars. I feel out of place in bars”

The logic that you could say to yourself might be – “Sure I don’t like bars, but I like women. Being more confident with women is something that I really like the idea of, and bars are a good place to learn that. So how about I find a venue that I can tolerate, and then put aside just a couple of hours a week to go there. Even if I’m not exactly over the moon about it, I could just approach it like the gym – something that I just do in order to get the result that I want. It’s ok if I don’t necessarily love it”

Concern – “I think women in bars are drunk and annoying”

The logic you could say to yourself might be – “Ok who have I actually met in bars? How many women have I actually spoken to in bars? I’ve come to that conclusion but from how much real life experience? Do great girls never go to bars to celebrate birthdays or farewells? Of course they do. And even if they’re out drinking, so? Have I never been drunk? A night out doesn’t make someone bad in anyway. This is my own insecurity about not feeling cool enough to be there”

So really dig around in your head to see what concerns that might have in there, and then take a good look at them.

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Chapter 21: Night Openers – What To Say When You Approach At Night.

“What do I say?” is probably the most common things that I hear when I’m coaching guys, both during day and night. The idea of approaching a woman is already daunting enough, but at night when she’s with her friends, there’s loud music, they’ve had a few drinks, and you’re interacting with girls’ personas – then it can seem even tougher. But it’s actually easier, because in a bar, you can literally walk up to a woman, or a couple of women, or a group of women, and just say “Hey guys how’s it going?” and no one will think too much of it. Approaching women in bars is socially acceptable and expected. When women go out, they expect to be approached.

Again … Be Yourself

In the past chapters, we’ve covered that what is being said is nowhere near as important as the person saying it. The guy’s vibe, appearance, attitude, energy, as well as his compatibility with the girl, are the bigger factors in his approach ‘working’ or not. So given that, when approaching in bars, try to be congruent with yourself. Be true to yourself. If you’re nervous, that’s completely fine. Accept it. Don’t try to be something you’re not. A lot of guys seem to think that they have to be the life of the party, or outgoing and high energy when out in bars because they assume that that’s what gets the girls. But it’s not as effective as many men assume. Flash game (as I call it), is much more likely to work against you than for you. Don’t fall into the common trap of thinking that you need to be loud and extroverted. This can work for some guys, no doubt about it, but only if that’s who they really are (i.e. they are being congruent with themselves). Often flash game gets a lot of attention, but doesn’t facilitate connection, so it doesn’t get the actual results that many people think.

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Women Talking

Something else that’s obvious is that rarely will you find women on their own in bars. You’ll be dealing with groups, which I’ll cover much more in an upcoming chapter, but for now – something that a lot of guys seem concerned about is interrupting women who are talking with their friends. You need to understand that you’re in a bar – women will be talking. Even women who came out specifically to meet men aren’t going to just sit there in silence all night and wait. They’ll be talking to each other – but this doesn’t mean that you can’t approach. In fact, they might be out wanting to get approached. Don’t worry, they’ll let you know if they don’t want you there. But for the most-part, they’ll stop talking and engage in conversation with you, and then it’s up to you to have (or develop) the social intelligence to know if they actually want to continue talking to you, or if they’re just being polite.

Three Styles Of Night Approaching

1. Observational Openers

Again, just find any reason to get in there. For instance, if you see a couple of women standing by a heater – go and stand by the heater yourself. Use that heater. All it takes is something like “Can I borrow some heat off you guys?” or even just a simple “Hey guys” This is all very similar to day observational openers – it’s simply paying attention and seeing if there’s something that you can comment on or use to start a conversation. What’re they wearing, what’re they doing, what’re they drinking? If there’s a girl at the bar, go up next to her – “Hey what are you drinking?” This will be enough to get you started. Even just ask *gasp* “Hey how is your night going?” I’m amazed by how rarely guys capitalise on women going to the bar to order a drink. It’s the perfect opportunity to start a chat. She has likely just left the group that she’s in, you have at least a few minutes of her standing there waiting to be served, and often enough, there’s a spot right next to her at the bar.

I see guys in bars thinking so much about what to say when their opener is very often right in front of them. They’re so caught up in their heads trying to think of the perfect line that they don’t notice the girl’s crazy shoes, or that she has glitter on her face, or that she is wearing the exact same coloured dress as her friend, or that she’s from the birthday group in the corner, etc. I’ve met and dated women from bars by commenting on the simplest of things. Just last week I approached a girl in a bar with “You’re the brightest girl in here. You’re really getting into summer huh”. It was a simple comment on her outfit and she loved it.

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So just try to stay calm and take a moment. The beauty of bars is that she likely isn’t going anywhere for a while, so you can keep an eye on her and wait for a good time. The more that you start looking for ways to start conversations with women in bars, the more you’ll see the opportunities. “You two look suspicious” – something else I used recently, and it turned out that they were indeed checking out guys. Again, it’s not about the opener, it’s just about testing their receptivity. I’m sure that the bright girl that I mentioned above would have responded just as well to me if I’d just asked how her night was going.

Like I mentioned in this topic in the day approaching chapter, just make sure that your observations are legitimate. Don’t go up to a girl and say that you love her dress (or whatever), if she is wearing a completely normal dress. There are so many other options. You don’t have to have an observation to approach a woman – just go and say hi, or ask her how her night is going, or introduce yourself (I’ll cover them soon), but guys SO often miss the simplest of things that they could comment on to start a conversation.

So observational opening is just another tool. If you see a girl that you’d like to talk to, and there is something that you notice about her, then it’s fantastic to use that observation to start the conversation. But if you can’t see anything that you can comment on, that doesn’t mean that you can’t approach her.Still approach, just think of something else to say – maybe even try “Hello”

2. Normal/Simple Openers

This is as simple as approaching and saying something like:

▪ “Hey guys, how is it going?”
▪ “Excuse me, hi, I thought I’d come say hi. What brings you guys out tonight?” ▪ “Hello! I’m Chris, who are you?”

(Or whatever!)

These very simple and completely normal openers are absolutely all you need to approach women in bars. You’re literally just approaching and saying hi. No opener, no observation, nothing too direct – you’re here to talk to the girl and you’re making no attempt to hide it.You know what’s going on, she knows what’s going on. In my opinion, this is the best style of night approaching because:

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  • ▪  It requires no pre-meditation. You don’t need to stand there thinking about what to say.
  • ▪  It can be used for anyone – a girl on her own, a group of girls, girls standing, girls sitting,

girls talking, etc.

  • ▪  It has integrity behind it. You’re just presenting yourself and basically just saying on some level “Hello, I would like to talk you. I’m not going to make a song and a dance about it, I’m just a normal dude. Keen to chat?”
  • ▪  Because approaching is expected in bars, this is really all that you need (whereas through the day, you need to give more of a reason for approaching her). Often guys over-do the approach in bars, and it comes off as very try-hardish. Most often, a simple “Hey guys, how’s it going?” is much more effective than some elaborate opener.

The notion of it being this simple really does get some resistance though. All of the dating and pick-up advice out there has brainwashed so many men into thinking that these simple types of conversation starters are lame, or are what every guy says, but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. Again – it all comes down to who is using them. Every time that I meet a guy who thinks that this simple style of approach is not effective, he’s always one of two types of guy. He’s either the guy who has very high social value (i.e. very good looks and/or very high confidence), and he’s mistaking the ‘power’ of his elaborate openers for women simply being interested in him. So even if he just said “Hello”, it’d still work. OR he’s the guy who has read a lot of pick-up material, watched a lot of YouTube videos, and has a lot of dating theory in his head, but very little (if any) actual experience (or success). Very rarely will a guy who goes out a lot and approaches a lot, and who has a lot of success with it, say that you need anything more than simple, normal openers. He knows that you can approach women in the easiest and most natural way, and start a conversation. “Hey how’syour night going?” is cliché because it works.

What’s more important here than the words that you’re using, is your self-belief, your emotional state, your vibe, how comfortable you are in the situation – all of which come from experience and perspective. A lot of guys want to be confident before they get experience. They want to run before they can walk. They don’t have the willingness to try over and over and over again, which is what does develop that comfort, confidence and good vibe. These guys want to approach perfectly, say the perfect thing, have the perfect conversation, and just get the girl, but they always struggle because they aren’t happy to just approach a woman and ask how her night is going. They want to do something amazing.

Ultimately if a girl doesn’t like you when you approach and say “Hey how are you?”, then she wouldn’t have liked you if you have approached her with some elaborate opener either. She’s

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responding to you more than your opener. For everything that you think will never work, someone will make it work. Guys spend years looking for a magic bullet, the perfect pick-up line, a way to never get rejected, but you know by now that that doesn’t exist.

A while ago in a bar, I told a client to approach two girls with just “Hey guys how are you? What brings you out tonight?” and he debated with me, saying that it was lame and that every guy says that. At that point, I walked over and said that word for word, and proceeded to have a great conversation with the ladies. His response to that was “Well of course it’s going to work for you”.This told me that despite his disagreement, he did in fact understand that it was not the words that count but the speaker. He was justifying his fear of approaching with an excuse that he knew deep down was invalid.

3. Direct Openers

Much like I discussed for during the day, this is where you simply say what’s on your mind. You cut out the bullshit and get to the point – you like her and want to meet her. Very few guys do in bars do this because everyone is trying to play it cool. This is something that my clients and I see weekend after weekend – guys leaning on the bar or on the wall with their drink in hand, looking around the room, trying to look cool. We on the other hand are wandering around the bar talking to women, getting rejected, pushing ourselves, getting numbers and having good chats. And guess who is getting the ladies in the end? Not the guys looking cool.

I covered direct approaching in the day section a lot, but a couple of simple examples for night might be:

  • ▪  “Excuse me, hi, you just look quite cute, I just had to come and say hi. What’s your name?”
  • ▪  “Hi guys, y’all look lovely over here. How’s it going?”
  • ▪  “Excuse me guys. Look, every guy in this bar is checking you out, so I’m gonna be the one

guy to come and actually talk to you. How are you?”

  • ▪  “Hello, you’re adorable, who are you?”
  • ▪  “Excuse me … sorry to interrupt, I’m leaving soon and I just wanted to meet you quickly before I do”

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Some guys don’t like this approach, others guys love it. Again, it’s about doing what feels right to you. As much as I love direct approaching, I actually don’t use it as much in bars, simply because I generally just approach and say hello, or make an observation. But direct is still an essential and well-used tool in my toolbox. Ultimately, I’ll always love direct approaching, in the day or night, because if that’s what I’m thinking and feeling when I see the girl, it comes out effortlessly. And I really don’t care about her response – I was honest, and that feels right to me. I really think there’s nothing more ballsy than just laying it out there, which most women respect to some degree. However again, it’s generally going to be the most effective with women of your own sexual market value level.

Direct approaching saves you from having to come up with an opener, and it can also be used for a single girl or a group. I’ve gone into many groups many times and said something like “Excuse me guys, I’m sorry to interrupt, I think your friend here is absolutely adorable, I can’t leave without saying hello”. Other times, I’ve just kept an eye on her, waiting for her to step away from the group before approaching with something like “Hello, I noticed you ages ago but I didn’t want to come busting into your group to say hello” (I will discuss approaching groups in an upcoming chapter).

Again, just don’t need anything from her. She doesn’t owe you a good response just because you put your balls on the line and complimented her. Some girls will respond really well to this type of approach, whereas others won’t. It’s not about doing it to ‘work’, it’s about saying what feels right to you. Also, again – don’t bang on about how pretty she is. Move on after the opener. And most importantly, as I mentioned in the day chapter, you’re not approaching her telling her that she is “soooo pretty” and pedestalling her in any way. She might be more attractive than you, but she’s not above you on a human level, so it certainly shouldn’t come across like that in your approach. This is exactly why some people consider this type of approach lame – because they’re imagining some loser guy approaching a beautiful woman and acting like a love-sick puppy dog. This nauseates woman. A woman will never be attracted to a guy coming from that place. You can be enamoured with her, you can be in awe of her beauty – that’s an amazing feeling – but keep your footing. She is still just a person like you. Judge her personality as much as her appearance.

And as I discussed in the day approaching section, if you think that she’s heard how attractive she is a million times before – she has. But from people pedestalling her, from people on social media, from her girlfriends, from people wanting shit from her – rarely from people she’s actually attracted to. She doesn’t want to be pedestalled, she wants to be treated like a normal human being. And again, she wants to date UP in the social hierarchy.

So direct openers are not about blowing smoke up her arse. It’s simply about being a man and being comfortable with expressing your interest in her. This is where your beliefs about yourself

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will really come through. If you think that you’re shit, then you’re going to be the puppy guy, even if you TRY to not be (which is why I’m always banging on about mindset – because it’s always coming through). But if you think you are great, you know your own value, then direct openers are going to come out very differently. It’s not about faking it. As a coach, there’s literally nothing more sickening than seeing a guy approach a woman with some fake ‘I’m too cool for school’ attitude. Everyone sees through it. Direct approaching is about being authentic and genuinely coming from a place of “You’re cute, and I want to meet you to see if we get along”

Your own social value is a huge decider in the effectiveness of any type of approach in bars, but especially direct openers. If you’re not very attractive, you dress poorly, you aren’t very confident or comfortable, and you don’t have much personality, then telling a woman that she’s cute probably isn’t going to be too effective. For a more attractive guy, a guy with more of his shit sorted out, or a guy who is really working on his self-esteem and confidence, it will work much better. So be sure to keep it real and work on yourself.

Again … Your Opener Is Not That Important

Please don’t mistake any of my examples or ‘types’ of openers for pick-up lines. These are just training-wheels to give you an idea of what you can say. But the reality is that you can really say anything – as long as you approach and say something. If you’re freezing up but think that you could approach and ask what time the bar closes, or if she knows a better place to go to – do that! Anything is better than nothing. Ultimately what matters more than the opening line is what comes after the opening line anyway (which I’ll cover in the next chapter). Just don’t be like every other guy standing there all night, weekend after weekend, year after year, hoping that something will happen. You make it happen. Now. Let go of your precious ego and just do something, do anything. You will never be rejected more than I have been, and I do this for a living. So I’m giving you examples of what you can say as a general guide, but even these types of approaches are not necessary.

▪ “Hello”
▪ “Hey I like your (whatever)”
▪ “Cheers!” (as you are walking past her)

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Some ‘openers’ are so simple, and yet so effective. Maybe not the first time, or the second time, but eventually they will be. Guys think that it can’t be this simple because they’ve been brainwashed from people selling magic bullets, OR they’ve gone out and tried one or two approaches, and when those didn’t work, they made conclusions like “I wasn’t interesting enough” or “I wasn’t high energy enough” or “My opener wasn’t good enough” or my favourite “I didn’t escalate” – but it was just their lack of experience and the fact that they didn’t keep going after those one or two approaches.

Windows Of Opportunity

Opportunities come and go quickly in bars. A woman will be next to you at the bar one moment, then she’ll be back in her group the next. A woman will be walking past you one moment, and then walking right into a private booth the next. A woman will look at you, smile, then ten minutes later she’ll be leaving the venue with her friends. I see it every night when I coach – clients not diving through the window of opportunity when it opens, and then seeing that window promptly shut. You want to learn to move quickly when the opportunity is there.

But of course, you very likely won’t move quickly when you’re first starting out. In fact, you’re much more likely to stand around for hours, watching the windows of opportunity open and close. And that’s ok, for now. After all, you are in a bar, and she’ll likely be in the same venue for a while, so you can chill and think about it approaching, motivating yourself to do it and look for another opportunity. Just even start looking and noticing when those short windows open, even if you don’t actually take them just yet.

Spontaneity works well in bars. Often I see guys standing there for an hour thinking “Right! I’m going to do the approach now!” and by the time they do it, it comes off as weird and scripted because he’s put too much pressure on the situation. When you wait for hours to do one approach, by the time that you do it, you’ve invested so much emotionally in it that it often comes off as being too important to you. Women go out to bars for a fun night out, so anything that feels pressured or intense is usually going to fail.

The Re-Open

One of my favourite things about bars is that you can re-open women (because they’ll typically remain in the venue for a while). That’s to say, if you’re chatting with a girl and if you walk off, either because she got distracted, or you ran out of things to say (or you just felt a need to

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leave), then you can then re-approach her later. I personally usually re-initiate conversations by casually walking past and saying something like “You again” or jokingly “Are you guys behaving over here?”

Guys are generally so desperate to get a girl’s phone number, or to take her home that night, or even just to keep talking to her, that they cling to the girl, or her group, for way longer than they’re welcome. This is horrible for women, and when they’ll usually “go to the bathroom” or “go to dance”. But by walking off, without a number or wanting anything from her, you’ve shown that you’re not that guy. I don’t think that this should be seen as some kind of strategy, or as something that you need to do – that’ll lead you to walking off on perfectly good interactions – but the nature of bars is that there’s a lot going on and good interactions will sometimes end prematurely. Her friends will come, her drink will come, her phone will ring, you’ll get nervous and leave, she’ll get nervous and leave, you’ll have to go and find your friends, etc. The re-approach is a great way for you to gather yourself, and try again later.

I couldn’t count how many times I’ve chatted with a girl in a bar, gone off to coach my clients, gone back to the girl, gone off to coach my clients again, and then gotten her number as we were leaving the bar. It’s very powerful. A girl once even said to me on a date “You confused me. You were nice, but then you kept walking off on me”. Again, this isn’t a strategy – I personally generally only leave because I’m coaching – I’m just saying that there’s no rush to make an interaction ‘work’ the first time around. It can sometimes be much better to return to it again later.

Note – I’m obviously talking about re-approaching women or groups with whom you had a decent interaction with, and for whatever reason, it ended. I’m not talking about re- approaching women who clearly didn’t want to talk to you.

Hit Those Numbers

Just like I outlined in the day section, start by warming up and being social (which I’ll discuss more in an upcoming chapter), then aim for ten approaches a night. That sounds somewhat mechanical, but when you’re new, you just can’t get into this and do one or two approaches a night. Sure, that’s a great start, but it’s not enough to get you results.

This will work, if you hit the numbers and if you persist. You’ll have some good conversations and meet some great girls if you talk to enough of them. You aren’t going to click with most people, that’s a simple fact of life. So you need to hit those numbers. Again, I’m not trying to make this sound mechanical or that women are just “numbers” or even that you’ll forever need

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to be tracking your approaches – I’m just saying that the reality of this is that you’ll need to talk to a few women in order to find one that you click with, especially when you’re new and developing your ability in this area. And of the few that you do initially click with, it’ll only be a few of those that you date/sleep with/see again. It’s like a sales funnel – people seeing your product vs. people buying your product.

So meet some good wings to go out with, plan the night, go out, get chatty, aim to hit your ten approaches (unless you find yourself in a great interaction before that point), and then ask for the phone numbers of the women that you get along with. Or if the night is coming to an end, ask her home. If you go through this process even just once a week, and you work on your inner game and overall life at the same time, I assure you that soon enough, you’ll be meeting and dating a lovely lady, or some lovely ladies if you prefer.

Chill Out

The last thing that I want to mention is that way too many guys take night-game way too seriously. They watch a heap of videos on YouTube, they read a heap of theory, they talk about it a lot with their friends constantly – all fine, but then when they’re out in a bar they take it all way too seriously and put too much pressure on themselves to make it work. This really affects both their enjoyment of it, as well as their results (negatively).

Again, you don’t need to be the ‘fun guy’, or the loud extrovert, or the centre of the attention, but you also don’t want to be the guy that over-analyses everything and who is walking around the bar with a game face on. Stop trying to do this correctly. Just use simple openers and ask simple questions. A lot of these ‘gamer’ guys find it hard stay to switch off the persona and be real, which often ruins interactions. Once you’ve opened, and the girl is happy to chat to you, you need to drop from ‘open’ mode into something a bit more real. If I approach a girl with something playfully stupid like “I hate you, who wears purple” (or whatever), if we get chatting, I’m going to soon ask her name and what she does. I’m not going to stay in playful stupid mode. If first gear is opening, then second gear is about seeing if there’s a connection there. It’s finding out who she is and if you get along.

Ultimately, you just need to be happy to try, happy to be rejected, and you need to not be so hard on yourself through the process. You need to ask yourself “How can I enjoy this more?” because if you don’t enjoy it at all, you won’t improve. You don’t want to be guy walking around looking like he’s in a chess game for his life, over-thinking his every move. Just let go. Chill out and try to relax. Have fun, say dumb shit, say what’s on your mind. See this as one big interactive game.

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Oh, and should you drink or not drink? This is something that I’m asked a lot. I say to do whatever you want. You’re an adult, make your own decisions. If you’re out there in pick-up artist mode, huddled in the corner with your wingman and glass of water, I think you should go order a drink and chill the fuck out. If you’re getting hammered to try to get ‘confident’, then I think that you should go get a glass of water and chill the fuck out. Personally, I generally have one or two drinks when I’m out, however sometimes I’ll not have a drop of alcohol all night, and other times I’ll be banging multiple shots. You shouldn’t need alcohol, however you shouldn’t completely deprive yourself either if you do enjoy a drink.

Homework

1. Write Out Some Night Openers

Step 1

Imagine yourself in a bar, and think of how and where you generally see women. Where are the different places that you see them, what are they are? What do you think will be the likely situations that you’ll see when you’re out, in which you might be able to approach? Come up with at least ten – standing by the bar on her own, walking to the bathroom, sitting talking with a friend, standing in a big group, etc. Write them down. Remember, rarely will you see women on their own in bars, so mostly you’ll be dealing with groups of twos and threes (something I’ll cover much more in another chapter).

Step 2

Now I want you to write down how you’d approach in each of those situations, given when you’ve learnt in this chapter. This is obviously hypothetical, so it will be hard, I just want you to start visualising it in your mind. Write out what you’d do, and your hypothetical opener for each situation. Yes I’ll be covering how to deal with groups soon, but for now, write out something that you could attempt for each situation.

Again, as you get better, you won’t have to think of what you’re going to say, and you certainly won’t have to write down or memorise openers. But when you’re starting out, having a few ideas on what you could say in the back of your head, in advance, could really help you. And I want you to start running visuals of approaching through your mind repeatedly because it’ll make it a bit easier to actually do in real life when the time comes.

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So get to that now. Think of the situations that you typically see women in in bars, write them down, and then write down a hypothetical approach/opener for each of those situations.

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Chapter 22: Socialising.

So why does it help to be a little more social when you go out to a bar? Well, there are a few reasons, but to give you a perfect example from just a few weeks ago – my clients and I had just walked into a venue and gone to the bar to order a drink. Next to us were five older women, probably in their 50s, all dressed up (I believe they’d been at the races). Waiting for the bar tender, I just asked how they were. We had a chat while we waited for our drinks, there was even some playful flirting, before we bid each other a goodnight and off they went. Almost as soon as they left, in walked three young attractive women who turned all male heads in the venue, and who went directly to the bar, exactly where the older women had been. Since we were already there, and already feeling chatty from talking to the older ladies, all I had to do was make one comment, and my clients and I were in, much to the surprise of the surrounding gentlemen (who likely wouldn’t have approached them anyway). Would I have approached the girls had I not spoken to the older ladies? Yep. But did I do it with more enthusiasm and energy because I had spoken with the older ladies? Yes.

Get Chatting

I find that a lot of guys who are starting out get caught up in wanting to talk to only the hot women. And of course, when those hot women do come walking past, these guys typically freeze up because they haven’t chatted with anyone previously so they’re still in a cold emotional state when it’s ‘go’ time. They find it hard to talk in the important moments because they refused to talk in the not so important moments. Also, they tend to ooze judgement and desperation.

More experienced guys can generally approach only the women that they want to talk to, and can indeed stand around waiting until the opportunity arises, however when you’re new, you really do need to socialise more when you go out – even if you’re not a social person (especially if you’re not a social person). I definitely wouldn’t consider myself a particularly social person – I ironically much prefer spending time on my own than out socialising – but when I was learning in this area, I realised quickly that by chatting with a couple of people when I first got out, I would mentally ‘warm up’. With each interaction I would get chattier, friendlier, more enthusiastic, and I find it much easier to flow from interaction to interaction. I don’t really need to do this these as much days but it helped me immeasurably during the early years, and even still on nights where I’m feeling a bit flat.

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You don’t really want to rely on getting into this ‘chatty state’ long-term in order to be able approach, because often great women will walk into your life when you’re not warmed up at all – but it still can be very helpful to get the night started when you’re inexperienced. So see your first few approaches as just warm ups. This is one of the main reasons that most normal guys struggle to meet women in bars – because they walk into a bar, stand there and wait, wait, wait, before giving up and going home. They don’t want to talk to anyone they deem unattractive, they don’t see the benefit in it, but when the attractive women do come along, they simply can’t quite get started.

You Might Not Be A 10 Yourself

Another issue related to this, and something that I see very often with newbies (especially those who have read a lot of pick-up material), is when they’re deluded into thinking that they should be able to pick up stunners just because they’re out at a bar approaching. I’m sorry, but if you can’t pick up a 5, you can’t pick up a 10. Again, I hate this rating system, but I’m just using it to express a point. No, I’m not telling you to settle for a girl that you’re not attracted to, but I am telling you that knowing a few things about approaching is not enough to get you a really beautiful woman. Having just read a book on dating or having watched a few videos doesn’t automatically mean that your social value suddenly goes up and that women will respond well to you. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you likely aren’t a 10 yourself. You may be – I’ve coached plenty of very attractive and confident guys, but I’ve also coached plenty of 4s who only wanted to talk to the 9s and 10s. Needless to say, they struggle, until they let go of the ego bullshit.

So you maybe need to re-evaluate your situation. And have some respect and compassion for all women. If you’re putting women well below you, then you’re also likely putting women above you. The guys that I meet who are genuinely awesome ladies-men all are charming and are capable of chatting with anyone. They often talk to any woman standing around in bars, but then sleep with and date the women that they are attracted to. Ironically, the most judging guys that I meet are usually the least attractive themselves, or have boring as fuck personalities, but want to date models. A lot of guys have a real sense of entitlement, and I often see them banging their heads against the wall for a long-time. What calibre of woman are you currently sleeping with or dating? That’s generally where you’re at (for now).

So when you go out, make it a mission to be more open to chatting to people/women in general. You don’t have to be Mr Socialite – again, I’m not and I coach this stuff – but you do need to understand that that’s how you’re likely going to get into a better mood, develop social savviness and find this all much easier. You’re not socialising for just the sake of socialising –

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you’re socialising to improve your mood, to loosen your mind up, and to get some experience. You also want to give other people a good experience, and if that means chatting with them for a moment while you are at the bar getting a drink – do it.

Working The Room

Something that I found very helpful when I was starting out, I used to call ‘working the room’. I would go into a bar and just start approaching as soon as possible, however each of these approaches would only last a few seconds or a couple of minutes. I’d approach, say a random comment, or give a quick compliment, or make a random observation, or ask a quick question, or even just say “Hey guys how are you?” … and then I’d leave, generally in under a minute, bidding them a good night – “Cool. Ok well you guys have fun” – and move on. I would repeat that with different people and different groups. I did this because I realised that it wasn’t necessarily the approach that was making me nervous, but what came after the approach. So I found this strategy helpful because I was making it my intention to end the interaction. There was no pressure to stick in there and make conversation or escalate things. I don’t do this at all anymore, however there is no doubt that it helped me a lot in the early years.

If you do this for just 15 minutes or so, not only will you feel a lot looser and more comfortable, but you’ll have made several contacts in the bar that you can re-approach later. And generally these approaches will go ok since people can generally feel when you don’t need anything from them.

Most guys have more much anxiety about what comes after the approach, than the approach itself, so if you can remove some of that pressure and focus (for now) on just the opener, you’ll find getting started a lot easier. Then of course you can stick in the interactions as you feel more comfortable and confident.

And no, not everyone in the bar will see what you’re doing. People talk in bars. No-one thinks anything of it. And these approaches shouldn’t be big spectacles, so don’t run around the venue dramatically, just make them easy, natural, simple comments/questions as you are make your way through the bar.

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Summary

Learning to be able to talk with people, charm people, befriend people, is an incredibly important life skill. It’s arguably the most important life skill there is. So if all of this game and social stuff is hard for you, then you really do need to work on it, and not just for your dating life.

Don’t say “But Chris, I can’t approach a girl if I don’t feel attracted to her, it doesn’t feel genuine” Bullshit. If you’re unable to make simple chit-chat with women in general, then you’re also going to struggle to talk with women that you do like. And if you’re starting out, and are still working on your appearance, personality and game – then you’re likely not that high up in sexual marketplace value yourself. So for now, maybe stop being so picky and entitled. Again, it’s pretty common to see new guys who aren’t that attractive, who are dressed like crap, who don’t have that much of a personality and not very strong social skills, out there wanting to talk to only hot women because some guy on YouTube told them that looks don’t matter. Don’t be that guy. Just be honest with yourself and be happy to start somewhere, and then grow from there. The guys that kill this are the guys who are open-minded.

Again, I am not telling you that you have to spend your night talking to women that you aren’t attracted to, and I’m not telling you that you always need to be talking to people when you’re out. What I am telling you, is that you should make it a goal to approach a few women when you’re out in bars, or at parties, or at events, for the sake of socialising, warming up and improving your state – especially if you’re completely new to this, and especially if you find it hard to talk to people. Warm up, get flowing, and then when you want to talk to someone else, just excuse yourself and move on. You’re under no obligation to stick in there and talk to anyone.

Homework

1. Your Reasons For Socialising

I want you to write out 5 – 10 quick reasons why going out and socialising would be helpful for you personally. The obvious reasons are that it’ll help you chat with women that you’re attracted to, and it’ll improve your overall game, but then also it could help you with your work, or reduce some social anxiety that you feel in general, or maybe you’re new to the city and chatting with people is good for making new friends. I’ve had many clients who were new to Melbourne benefit from socialising and re-building their social circle during my workshop. I’ve

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had others clients who ramped up their businesses by meeting the right people during our sessions. Manyimproved their workplace relations, or overcome a lifetime of social anxiety – all from simply chatting to women when they were out. For me personally, approaching is a natural anti-depressant. So if I’m tired, or wore down, or not feeling too great, my clients know that I’ll generally look for a couple of approaches to do myself simply because I know it will pull me out of the funk, and sharpen my coaching for the night. So really give this some thought, because good reasons for socialising may not be as obvious as you think.

2. Contact A Wing & Organise A Night Out

Very soon, your homework will be to go out at night. For this, you’ll need a wingman (i.e. someone to go out with). So I want you to contact some of the guys that you should have touched base with from the previous homework and organise a night out. Plan the guys that you’re going out with, plan the meeting time, plan the venues – have it all locked in for the next weekend or the next night that you’re able to go out.

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Chapter 23: Approaching Women In Groups In Bars.

Something that you’re obviously aware of is that extremely rarely are women in bars on their own. They’re generally always going to be in groups. Yes, you get the odd traveller or girl who has gone out on her own, but for the significant most part, you’re going to be dealing with women in groups of two, three or more. A lot of new guys find the idea of approaching women in groups quite intimidating, but if you’re unable to do it, you’re really going to struggle to meet women in bars.

Using Your Wingman

This is where your wingman is going to really come in handy. There’s generally only so much that you can do while talking to her within a group – you eventually want to move it up a notch by chatting with her one on one. So once you’re in talking with a group, you’ll need your wing to come in and help you out by talking with the friends of the girl that you’re interested in.

A group of two or three women is going to be the most common situation, and this is actually not that hard. You just go in and open both/all of them, using any of the openers mentioned in the previous chapters. Something as simple as “Hi guys, how are you over here?” or making an observation on them will work just fine, and engage both/all of them. Don’t just talk to one (a very common mistake) because the other will likely get bored, think that you’re rude, maybe even jealous, and possibly want the interaction to end.

Soon after you’re in chatting, this is when you want to invite your wingman in – “Hey this is my friend Paul” – at which point, he should engage the friend/friends of the girl that you’re interested in. You need to turn to your preferred girl and engage her specifically – ask her something or whatever.Just don’t just keep talking as a group. I see this very often when I come in to wing my clients – I’ll engage the friend or friends, however my client will then listen to what I’m saying or continue talking as a group, rather than taking the chance to talk to his girl more one on one.

In my opinion it’s much better for one guy to approach the group, and then the other guy to come in later, rather than both approaching at the same time. This ‘double approach’ to me seems too pre-meditated and actually a little cheesy.

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So women in twos and threes are actually pretty simple to approach. Just treat them like you would a single girl – use the same openers, chat with both, introduce your friend, then focus on the girl that you like.

Approaching Larger Groups

Now I’ll cover some ways that you can approach larger groups. And note here that I’m not a fan of approaching for ego’s sake. That’s to say, if you see a girl that you’d really like to talk to, and she is in a group – great, do it. Or if you want to chat with the group as a warm up, or because you’re attracted to the whole group – great, do it. But don’t approach groups to boost your ego or to look good in front of others. I actually see this a lot – a guy approaching a woman who is with her boyfriend, or who is in a massive group, or in some private function, or eating dinner with her friends. The guy wants to approach not because of any legitimate interest, but just to prove something to himself or to his friends. I just see this as huge overcompensation for insecurity. Please don’t be that guy. You don’t have to be. Getting dating freedom and social confidence doesn’t mean being a social retard. There are so many awesome women out there to meet and talk to, that you don’t have to do crazy “social free” approaches. With that said – how do you go about approaching groups? Here are some options:

1. Go Into The Whole Group

Yes, you can just walk right into the whole group. What do you really have to lose? Again, if you’re worried about how they’ll respond, this is a great hurdle for you to get over. There’ll be some huge growth that’ll make you a better, stronger, more confident person – a person that can let go of what others think about him much more easily.

When doing this, the same openers from before apply – an observation, a simple hello, something more direct – just look for something, anything that you can say. What do you think, feel, and notice about them? Is it a hen’s night? Is it a birthday? Are they wearing interesting stuff? Are they the cutest girls in the room? Do you even need a reason? Does it really need to be anything more than “Hey guys, how’s it going?” Remember that people are much more open to socialising at night. Girls expect to be approached, and some would say actually feel safer being approached in groups.

Once again, if you’re reading this thinking that just walking into a group with a simple opener isn’t interesting enough, that’s a clear indication that you’re not yet thinking that you’re enough. You’re putting their opinion of you above your own opinion of yourself, and you’re

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making their opinion of you more important than your growth and your path. The only reason that you’re trying to do this perfectly is because you’re afraid to feel rejection. But you need to experience that rejection in order to become more immune to it. That’s the only remedy. You don’t need people’s approval to feel good about yourself – certainly not from some group of strangers in a bar. You should consider the outcome of just walking into a group to engage them as being win/win – they either all respond well to you, or you get ignored and a chance to grow that little bit stronger. But you’ll be amazing at how friendly most women are in bars – that is, if you’re out with a good mindset. Remember, what you put out there is what’s coming back to you.

2. Wait For The Group To Breakup

Groups in bars are generally all over the place. Two girls go to the bathroom, one girl goes to the bar, two girls sit and talk away from the group, etc. If you don’t like the idea of just walking into a group, then with a little patience and by keeping an eye on them, you can find plenty of opportunities to start an interaction when the group breaks up a little more. Countless times I’ve wanted to talk to one girl in a group, and rather than jumping into the whole group, I’ve just waited a while and the girl has walked right past me later in the night, or she has gone to the bar alone, or stepped away from the group to check her phone – at which point I’ve approached her. And by that stage it’s generally significantly easier to do because it was already in my head to approach her, I just needed a good time to do it. Often in this case, you’ll even have your opener ready to go from when you initially saw her.

As I previously mentioned, as you improve more, you’ll see those small windows of opportunity open all the time. It might be a girl walking past, or a brief moment in which two girls stop talking and look around the room, or the moment that a girl steps away from her friends to go to the bar. Eventually you’ll be able to act quickly when you do spot these chances, and if you’re quietly watching a particular girl in a group (as you’re still going about your night), often the opportunity will present itself. One of the last women that I dated, I noticed as soon as I walked into the bar. She was in a group – some girls, some guys – and I didn’t know who was with who. I knew that I would talk to her before I left, but I didn’t know exactly when or how. Half an hour later, she literally popped up next to me at the bar and which point I just waved at her … “Are you waving to me?” – “Yes I am”

Important note – as a newbie, often when there’s a perfect opportunity to approach, you’ll think that you should wait for a better one. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that there’ll always be a better moment. Sometimes, yes, there will be a better moment, but most often the best moment is the one that you make right now. Waiting for a better moment is advice much

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more for guys who already can approach, because when newbies hear this, they’ll then often talk themselves out of approaching by waiting for a better moment. So on top of this advice, I also suggest that generally the sooner that you approach, the better. And then as your social intelligence and intuition get sharper, you’ll have more freedom to legitimately pick and choose your moments to approach.

3. Addressing One In The Group

This type of approach actually takes the most amount of balls – just approaching one girl in the group while she is in the group. You can either wait for her to steps away from the group a little, or you can go over, tap her on the shoulder or say “Excuse me” and when she turns to you, say your opener.

Either she will:

  1. Ignore you and keep interacting with her group, in which case you should just leave.
  2. Give you a polite but disinterested “Oooooh, thanks”, in which case you can chat for a moment if you like, but ultimately you should read the disinterest and leave.
  3. Engage you and bring you into the group, which is great. Proceed to chat to the group, but find a moment to return to chatting to your girl specifically.

Or she will:

  1. Turn away from the group to talk to you. This is the best and allows for a more private chat.
  2. Mock you or act disinterested in order to look cool in front of her friends. Yes, some girls will do this. But this is their issue, not yours. You can either mock back, or just leave to find someone else to talk to. Anyone who laughs at you for attempting to approach, very likely isn’t happy at all themselves and their life, so disregard their opinion.

Proximity

Often just being near the group will really improve your chances of getting in there. I’m not talking about creepily stalking them or orbiting around them or staring at them all night – I’m

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talking about just conveniently being near the group that you want to talk to. You have to stand somewhere in the bar, right? So why not near them? You’d be surprised by how often simply being near a group will lead to an easy opening naturally presenting itself. Many times I’ve been in a bar, wanting to talk to a group, or a girl in a group, and I’ve been near them chatting with my clients, when the girls will suddenly turn and look over at us, or say something to us, or something will happen that I can comment on like a drink spilling, or I’ll overhear some joke, etc. Here you need to spot the small windows of opportunity and act upon them quickly.

So often guys will tell me that they want to talk to certain women in a bar, but they’ll be on the complete other side of the room. This makes no sense to me. At least get near them, even if you can’t work up the courage to talk to them just yet. Debating approaching them from twenty meters away is kinda silly.

Homework

1. Write Out Five ‘Fall-back’ Lines

Exactly like you did in the day section, I want you to write out five generic questions that you can use after you’ve gone into any approach at night. Again, I call these ‘fall-back lines’ because often when a new guy does work up the balls to approach, his mind goes blank soon after the open, and he’s left facing an awkward silence. He simply doesn’t know how to follow up the open, or more, he isn’t comfortable yet so his mind is racing. Thus, ‘fall-back lines’ are simple questions that you can fall back in this instance, and can also be using when the conversation dies off later.

One of mine is simply “So what brings you guys out tonight?” or “What’re you guys out celebrating tonight?” which I’ll generally use right after the opener in most interactions. This just kick-starts the conversation. Most often, they’ll say something like “Oh we just came from work?” “Oh yeah? What do you do?” “We’re accountants” – “You don’t look like accountants. Do you like it?” … and the conversation has started.

Another that I use often is “So how do you guys know each other?” Again, if there is a lull in the initial conversation, you can just throw that out there to kick-start it again, and often enough there is a story that you can then use to regenerate conversation.

You can use these two examples if you like, but come up with a couple more yourself, just so that you have some simple things that you fall back on if your mind goes blank. They’re simple questions (or statements/comments if you like) to kick off a conversation after an approach or

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