It’s a very common ‘advanced’ problem – “So I got good at meeting girls, I’ve learnt a lot and am having fun, but I’ve met this one great girl. I really like spending time with her, and don’t want to end it, but I also don’t want to be in a relationship just yet” – I hear it all the time.
To many guys, being able to casually date a girl is the pinnacle of dating. It’s having their moist delicious cake, and eating it too. To those experienced in it though, the reality is a little different, generally not quite so simple, and maybe not even so glamorous. It can be complicated, a bit tough, but also great and an exceptional teacher when done correctly.
So how do you go about setting up a relationship that isn’t a relationship?
Here are 5 things to consider when setting up more casual style relationships:
1) Know why you want it and be prepared to stick to it
When I ask guys why they want to keep things casual with a girl, why they don’t want to play the monogamy game just yet, most can’t articulate a reason better than “I just don’t want to”
Have you spent too much time in relationships in the past? Did you decide to dedicate this year to your own personal growth? Do you just simply not believe in monogamy? You need to know WHY and more, you need to stick to it. Most guys are so wishy-washy on their reason(s) for keeping things casual that as soon as the girl starts to pull away, or she wants something else, they fret and agree to a relationship that their heart isn’t truly in. Generally a choice that takes little time to regret.
2) Focus on life advancement rather than sleeping with others
“I want to meet other women” is the surest way to send any woman running. When explaining why you want to keep things casual, do not focus on the ‘hooking up with others’ part; instead focus on your growth, on improving your life, on maintaining your freedom, on maintaining HER freedom. Focus on your desire to rise above mediocre and to be different to what most people settle for. She should always be your #1 when it comes to other women.
3) Don’t dump but don’t conceal
Men often hear my advice on this, and then within moments of meeting a girl, or on a first date, they dump all of this onto her. They go into anti-relationship rants, and then wonder why the girl pulls away. When two ‘normal’ people meet, they open up gradually. You’re under no obligation to immediately declare everything about your intentions. She certainly isn’t either. But having said that, you also don’t want to be lying (both for the moral reasons and for the inevitable head-fuck that it will create). And you don’t want to wait too long before she understands where you’re at and what you want in dating – generally the earlier the better (and easier). Personally I advise alluding to it even within the first interaction, just don’t dump it all on her. Ultimately, the more comfortable you are with it, and the more certain you are of your reasons, the more she will be too.
4) Be prepared to give her the same freedom
The amount of guys that I meet who tell me that they want to casually date, or to have an open relationship, while having no idea of the emotional implications, does make me shake my head sometimes. Personally I believe that as men, we are much more jealous, especially sexually, and when a girl that you like, or even *gasp* love, hooks up with another guy, or even just flirts with him – that shit will sting. But what is good for the goose is good for the gander, you cannot get angry at her for this, especially if you’re the one keeping it casual. As the scouts say – be prepared.
5) Offer her value
If you’re not in a relationship, but you’re also not inspiring her, not having fun with her, not making her laugh, not giving her good sex, etc. why is she going to stay with you? You need to offer her some VALUE! If she is an attractive girl who other men are dying to offer a stable relationship to, what is it about you that is going to make her stick around. It’s not about manipulation, it’s about being valuable enough that she WANTS to be around you. If you don’t know your (what they call in business) UVP, or Unique Value Proposition – that is to say, what makes you different, special, stand out – you’re going to struggle to maintain an open style of relationship.